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Grade
7

From: Elle 

To: Jackson

 

It was a rainy day. But in the hospital, everyday looked like a rainy day. It was always gloomy. It was always dark. The lights make me sleepy. It's just incredibly dull. But it just got even more lifeless after I was admitted for 8 weeks. Granted I was just waiting for the disease to kill me slowly during those 8 weeks. 

 

Even though I was happy and ready to let go. It seemed like you weren't. Your smile didn't change one bit. But it made me want to keep seeing it. You made me want to keep living. And honestly I hated you for that. But every time I say I hate you just to make me feel better, I just end up loving you more. And I really really hate you for doing that to me. Now I really really love you for letting me hate you. During the 8 weeks I had left and had spent in the hospital, you spent every day with me. You knew you were going to see me all disgusting, covered in sweat, and smelling like medicine, but you still stayed with me. You held my hand and ran with me throughout this journey. 

 

On the day I was admitted, you ran to my hospital room and saw me breathing heavily with a cannula on my nose. I was in a hospital gown, and my mother was holding my hand. You thought I was sleeping. My Dad let you take a seat on the couch and for five minutes I watched my mother stroking my hand gently while whispering to my Father about this one time I did something funny when I was a kid. But you, you just sat there. Your phone in hand, and a duffel bag on your lap (most probably filled with hoodies, white shirts, and some other stuff), but I noticed something strange. You had something yellow on your shoulder, I tried to open my eyes but they were too heavy. After a few minutes, my Mom and Dad left to get some food and asked you to watch over me while I "slept". Slowly, you removed the yellow blur on your shoulder and put it around mine. I took a whiff and remembered exactly what it was. It was my blanket I had as a baby. The one I would never let go of. I kept holding onto it until I reached the 5th grade, which was when I met you. That was when I decided to give you the blanket as a gift that symbolizes trust and support. I thought you threw it away, but here it is again. Hugging me like how you embraced me on our first date. 

 

 

 

On Friday of the second week I was in the hospital, you and I were watching some old Disney Channel shows on my laptop. Suddenly the nurse knocked on the door. You let her in and she entered with a syringe and a blue pill on a tray. You kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear that you would be back. You hated seeing me scream my head off and I hated needles. Slowly as the nurse approached me saying that its only gonna hurt a little, I closed my eyes and squeezed the yellow blanket tight. I waited for the needle, and I didn't notice that it was done. For the first time in forever, I didn't scream because of a needle. Thanks to you. After that she left the blue pill and asked me to take it if ever rashes appear. 

 

 

 

On Tuesday of the third week I stayed in the hospital, it was actually bright and sunny for the first time in that hospital. I was wearing your blue hoodie which was huge on me and silk shorts instead of just a hospital gown. "Hey, let's take a stroll outside." You whispered into my ear. "I don't think we can considering how it's getting harder for me to walk." I was lying of course. I didn't think my parents would allow that. But to my surprise my Dad went ahead and said, "You should go. Besides you'll only hate not walking around in the next few weeks." You nodded at him and smiled at me. Your adorable bunny smile made me agree. And while we were walking around the garden of the hospital, you suddenly whispered to my ear, "You are my everything. I don't think I can ever let you go." And honestly I was terrified after having heard that. We both knew I'd be gone in a matter of weeks and yet you still can't accept the fact that I am about to disappear from this world without leaving a single mark. I felt your tears roll down your cheek and land on my lap as you press your head against mine. "I... Am going. You know that right? I really can't be with you forever. No matter how much I want to and no matter how much I love you. It's just life, it began and now it's ending." I held your hand and squeezed it tight. "I know. I do. I just always thought we'd be going to the same heaven. But I guess we already have that here right now. Every single moment I spend with you, it's our heaven." Then you looked up at me and smiled. I don't really believe I'll be happy in heaven. I think heaven for me will just be another place or thing I've always wanted, I finally have, and now that I have it I don't know what I want. But you were right,  with the right person even a dumpster can feel like heaven. 

 

 

 

It was my fifth week in the hospital. I've never had more wires and tubes connected to me in my whole life. I had stuff supporting my heart, stuff supporting my lungs, stuff supporting my digestive system. Too bad I didn't have anything supporting my brain. If I did you probably wouldn't have to sleep on a cold and hard couch. You have been with me in the hospital this entire time. I'm tired, I wanna let go and just go. But that's impossible when I'm with you. I yell at you, I scream randomly, I laugh at the wall, it's just the medicine, but you still choose to stay. I vomit every 2 hours, I scream and sob after waking up every time I take a nap, I can't go to the restroom by myself, but even though I'm purely disgusting, you still take care of me. My goodness, you must be a saint or an angel God sent me. Today, I decided to skip a medication. It was brave specially for a person in my situation who at this point can't even stand up without a person assisting her. I asked you to sit beside me during therapy. Therapy was just another dreadful talk about life, adjustment, letting go, basically dead people stuff. So while we were sitting in the office of Mrs. Fuster, I was already half asleep but you were keenly listening to her lectures. The one thing I heard was, "Just remember when she's gone, she's gonna want you to remember her. Cherish her memories. And know that she'll always love you." Which was true. It's just that, when I'm gone I want him to take our memories together and make sure he remembers how great it is to be in love and I hope he finds it again with someone else. I closed my eyes for one minute and my doctor barged in with watery eyes and her hand clenching these papers tightly. "Ummm, Mr. And Mrs. Percy may I see you for a moment." I knew exactly what was going on. "No. Whatever you have to say, say it to everyone here please." You clenched my hand tightly. As you heard these words, "8 was a miscalculation. Our team did our best to estimate and it got lost between 6 to 8. The papers said 8 but, the reality meant 6. I'm very sorry." 

 

 

 

This was by far one as the most heartbreaking moments of my life. It was the first time I saw you bite your lip and try to hold back the tears. I knew I was going faster than expected, I just knew you weren't prepared to actually hear it. After the doctor left, after the therapy, after everything, we went back to my room. I asked my parents to leave us alone. You sat down beside me, and I leaned on your shoulder and kissed your cheek. "Hey. I want you to know this okay? Please don't interrupt me while I'm saying this. Just listen and comment later. You knew that I was terminally ill when you first started dating me. The thing was, you didn't think we would last long. But given two years, you've fallen deeply in love with me as I have with you. But because we both love each other, I want you to remember me. Never ever ever forget me. I know you won't. But I also want you to remember how much you loved me and how much it would make me happy to see you happy and in love again after I leave. I love you and I don't want you to resent me okay? I don't want you to miss out on your love life and your soulmate because I do, I do, I do love you." You just smiled while your eyes we're full of tears. "What if you are my soulmate? What if you are my one true love?" I giggled. "Just because you are my soulmate doesn't mean I am yours. If God wanted me to leave this early, it's because he wants you to take our memory of love and make sure you feel it again when you're with the right person." You just nodded. "I trust you because you're smart. I trust you because I love you. But I will stay with you until your very last day and your very last second." I hugged you tightly and kissed you while I was still less disgusting. 

 

 

 

This was it. It was finally my last day. My last breakfast was a toasted peanut butter sandwich and mango juice like what my mother used to make me when I was upset or tired. My last text message was, "Goodbye I love you okie?" My last post on social media was on Instagram. I captioned it, "My last." It was a bunch of pictures of my food, screenshots of my last messages, my last selfies, and my last kiss. The last clothes I put on was no hospital gown. It was a Chanel dress that belonged to my sister that I've always wanted to have. Your last words to me were, "I love you always and forever." My last words to everyone were, "Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you." But honestly, my last words were the words I uttered when I was in my room after having my last sip of wine with you. Again, it was my last words to you and my last words on Earth. "See the stars right there. My dad used to take me out to the--- the umm.. the porch and pointed to it. He sa--- sorry umm.. He said that star w-was grandma wa--ving at m-m-me and watching over me. So--- ughh-- when I'm g--gone, just look up.... I'll be there. I-I-I love you, it's be-been a pleasure lo-ving you Jackson.... Simon.... Davis." The last thing I saw was your smile. My very last words were your name. Thank you Jackson, for loving me unconditionally until my very last day. I'll love you always.