Grammar And Gunpowder

On oue point- the necessity of a turnpike road from Hackmatack to Gimlet Crossiug - the independent voters oí Leatherwood county were a unit; and on another - whether it should follow the crest of Ginseng Hidge or the meandering3 of Burdock Valley - they weie hopelessly and about equally split. The "Ridgers" declared that any man who said that thrir line wasn't the shortest between the two given points was a liar according to Euclid. The Valley men objected that the ridge was hilly. "What of that?" retorted the otliers. " Won't as much time be gained on the down as is lost on the up hill portions ?" "If it comes to that," returned the Valleyites, "yon must give up the claim of shorter distauce, tor a crooked line doesn't get any shorter by bending up and down than if it crooked horizontally. The bül of a bucket's jast as long when it stands upright as when it lies flat along the rina." And so they had it. One enthusiastic Valleynian even contended that that route was uot only shorter, but that it "was down Mil both ways." In au unguarded hour I consented to accept the noruination of the Valley party f or representative of Leatherwood in the coming legislature, by which the monieatous question would be settled. The Ridgers put up Major Kehobam ltumbud, a noted flre-eater and dead shot. "I see through it," said Dod Croaker. "They mean to hev their man pirk a quar'l witu our'n, an' shoot him through the borax on the eve of the election, and then run their'n in without opposition." Such talk, of course, wasn't encouraging ; but Dod, I knew, was a bit of a pessemist - and, anyhow, it was too late to back out. The respective committee3 arranged for a public discuasion betweeu tbe candidates- a contest, I confes3, whioh I had little stomach for ; but it couldn't be shirked without showing the white feather. "Be mighty keerful," adrnonished Dod Croaker, "ef you don't want a deadly miscellany sent through your borax." "Give hitn goss!" niost of the others urged. liAnd if you do die a martyr to the good cause, thegratitudeof Burdock Valley will keep your niemory forever green " "Much good that'll do me!" I couldn't help thinking. The great day came at last. The multitude asseinbled on a piece of neutral ground midway between the rival routes, where a grand stand had been erected, hung round with map3 for illustration, besides which a blackboard had boen brunght from a neighborin school-house to meet any sudden diagraphic emergency. I was to speak three-quarters of an hour, tbe major an hour, then I another quarter üi reply; order to be kept by three moderators, one taken from each side, the third being 'Squire Straddler, a man accustomed to look with philosophic composure on the strifes of othera from the serene elevation of the "fence." I was particularly caref ui in the opening to give my opponent no cause of offence. In fact, I never once alluded to liim, but stuck closely to faets, ügures and topography. The audience began to yawn long before my time was out, and the cheers of my friends when I quit I think were quite as much expressive of relief as of applause. Then came the maior's turn. He erally "went for" me. l'll not recite what he said. In the (irst place, 1 never was giveu to repeating slander, and secondly, I have rotante forlow abuse. When he sat down his side fairly yell ed themselves into incipient bronchitis; while I feit as I rose again, much as you may imagine the Duke of Wellington' pet corps did at the famous command, "Up, guards, and at them!" My back was thoroughly up. I forgot all about my "borax;" and turning on the doughly major, for the space of fifteen tninute3 I literally made the f ur fly. He bore it better than I had expected. It was not till, in the close, I ridicuied his slips in grammar, that I saw his face change. That made him mad. It always does so affect people syntacitically vulnerable. Dod Croaker shook bis head, but too late - the mischief had been done. A triumphant crowd from the Valley bore me off on their shoulders, chanting, as they went, to a brass-band accompaniment, a soul-stirring lyric from tho pen of a rising Burdockbard, or wnicn oeiioia a specimen: "Dy may siy wliat dey like, Aa' ole Rtiiubuil may anuble; But dat Hiasau? Uide'jik Beats Jordán for to trabl!" That evening I received a note from the major. "You seen proper to-day "he said,"to refleot on my phillolygical character. I won'c allow no man to do that with empunity, and so demand an umble apology. Yours, &c, R. Rumbud." I replied by declining to "apologize," "unibly" or otherwise; and hinted that if anything of the sort was due, it was from him to one Lindley Murray. " Yon can't sneak out," wrote back the implacable major, "by hugging in the Murraj s. I don't know the one you mention, but I do Bob and the rest, aDd they're all gentlemen and good Ridgers. As you ref use to apologize, nothing remains but to demand aaddisfaction according to the coad, which I hereby preemptorially do. The bearer, Captain Drymple, wül confer with any iriend of yours." There was something so absurd in this illiterate ass calling me to cate his 'pkillolygical" honor, that I was incltned to laugh at flrst; but I soon becanie sensible tbat it was no laughing matter. At that time and place, I had no choice but to give the niíijor saddisfaction," or resiga my candidacy and leave the district in disgrace. Dod Croaker might turn out a true prophet, after all. Asking Captain Drymple to wait, I sent for Toin Baillie, to whom I stated the case privately. "Of course you'll have to flght him," said Tom. "I see nothing else for it," I aiswored, "though I detest duelling in my heart. "So do I," said Tom. ' Like several other things, it owes existence to the deference that men of sense often feel niimnpllpi fr.n nav t.r fnnls hnh voii and I can't recréate the world. Have you any chuice of weapons?" "I have no skill in any; I leave all to you." I introduced Torn to the captain, and the two withdrew together. In less than an hour Torn returned. 'Everything's settled," hesaid. "The meeting's to be to-morrjw morning, at seven; pistols; twelve paces. Get a good night'a rest. Jiothing like it to steady the nerve. l'll cali for you." Toin's advice was more easily giren than folio wed. It's well enough to say: "Get a good night's rest," but vvho ever got one with a lively prospect of receiving a bullet in his "borax" - I saw no fun in the word now - in the raw of the morning ? After tossing anxiously most of the night, I feil, at last, intoa s weet sleep, from which Toin's voice aroused me. It sounded, I fancied, much as must the hangman's summonsto thedoomed wretch at the break of his last day. After a hasty breakfast - Toiu said there was no such thing as keeping a steady hand on an empty stomach - we drove quickly to the place appointed. The others were already there with the surgeon, whom Captain Drymple had engaged to bring. Major Rumbud looked black and vicious. "He'll kill you if he can," whispered Tom Baillie. ''So, Üre exactly at the word, with the best aim you can. ] t's your only chance. No sentimental firing iu the air, mind!"' Nevertheless, I had determined not to iniure my antagonist, though it wouldn't do to teil Torn so. The pistols were loaded, the ground measured, and the combatant3 placed. Torn had won the giving of the word. "Gentlemen, are you ready ?" he called out, "Yes," we both answeied. The major's eyes, I noticed, were fixed on me witli the same malignant gleam. He meant to show me no mercy. He stood in the attitude of alert attention. It was plaiu he intended to aliow me little chance of taking the start, even if disposed to f ollow Tom's advice. I awaited the next word as I might a summons to meet death. Before it could bespokei a horseman galloped in sight. "Hold!" he shouted, and in a few seconds stood dismounted between us. "Colonel Grimke!" exclaimed Torn, with a look of unfeigned surprise and pleasure, taking the stranger's band. "I got wind of this this morning," said the other, after hastily returning Tom's greeting; "and am very glad to have arrived in time. I shall allow this duel to proceed on one condition." The major's face retained its scowl but became deathly pale. "What is the condition, and why do you inttrfere ?" demanded Major Bumbud's second. "The condition," replied the colonel, "is that Mr. Baillie shall claim hisright to have the persons of the principáis examined. to make sure that everything's fair. The reason I interfere is tnat somo years ago I had an aff air myself with that gentleman," pointing to tne major. "I'm a pretty good shot, and took caref ui aim, and fired at the word, but he carne off whole, and I with a bullet in my shoulder. I've iny own opinión as to how it happened, and don't intend to see ïoul play here." The major's face grew livid. "After what has passed, I must insist ufon my right," saidTom, advancing toward the major. "Stand back!" he exclaimed, with an oath, levelling his pistol at Tom's Colonel Grimke sprang forward, and seizing the major's arm with one hand, with the other tore open his bosom. exposing a suit of flexible steel arinor completely pistol proof 1 That was the last we ever saw of the truculent major. The Ridgers had to fiad a new candidate, who was handsomely beaten, after a sharp contest, and wegot the road through Burdock Valley _