Wit And Humor

Mrs. Pinaphor can't see the use of a corn exchange. She has an irritable corn on her Tittle toe, but she wouldn't exchange it for another, she says, foi fear she would get one more painful "Does your Helen remind yon o Helen of Troy?" she asked sweetly, as the sofa springs flattened under a pres sure of one hundred and sixty pouuds "No not precisely; you remiad me more of Helen of Avoirdupois," was his sealy reply. It is not true that Santa Claus wil not put anything into a -stocking in which there is a hole. Last Christmas a society bell found a darning needie ana a baü oí yarn ín uers. A correspondent tells an anccdote o an oíd woman, who, when her pastoi said to her, "Heaven has not desertoc you in your oíd age,", replied, "No, sir, I have a very good appetite still." When a young man in Patagonii wants a wife he rules out and lassoes one, but in this country when a gir wants a husband and her fellow doesa't come to time, the lass sues him - for breach of promise. "He cometh not," she said, and she was "sound on the goose;" he didn't arrivc. His intentions were all right, but they failed to successfully combat the bull-dog that was screened in the moon-kisseil shrubbeiy. "Mrs. Hemy," said John to his wife the other morning, "if you give me a Christmas present this year, please arrange it so that the bilí won't come in till next month. It's just as well to keep up the Ilusión for a short time." The true definition of luck, as definei by Col. Moonoy, is as follows: "lï you go homo a' two o'elock in the rnorning after promising your wife to be in early and flo .1 her sound asleep, that's luck but it ísn't to be depended apon." ' Sambo, me bhoy," exclaimed Pat, a rollieking Irishman, lo a jolly darkey, teil us what maltes your nose so flat,' "Dunno, Mars' Pat," ansvvered the darkey, "but I spec it's to keep me f rom pokin into odder people's business." "Dinners har larcart. You've been to boarding school. What does that mean, Polly!" "Aller cart. fatherP Why, that means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and first-rate, you order what they enll a dinner wagon. A new agony: It is quite the proper idea for a young lady to paint a bunch of pausies on a fresh laid egg and vard it by special messeneer to her )est gentleman friend. This signifies: 'Pa is hatehing another scheme against 'ou. Come 'over tlie garden walr this evening." The interest now begins. A lady who had eompany to tea reroved her little son several times, peaking, however, very gently. At ast, out of patience with hïm, she said, sharply: "Jimmy, li you don't keep til] Pil send you away from the table." wooking at her in surprise, he asked: 'Didn't you forget to use your eompany voice then, mother?" A gentleman who had tarried late at ïis club, foundhis wife awaiting his return in a high state of nervousness. She said: "Here I've been waiting and rockillfr in the ohair till niv linnrl anina - - - - v m ■ ■ i ■ !■ m ■ mm - f at ' l v ' l 1.1 ll l 1 r round like a top." "Jess so, wife, whcrc IVe been," responded he; "I guess it's in the atmosphere." Ostrioh fanning has its drawbacks. The ostrich does not set, She don't tiave time. She does not sqnat down over something and insist on hatching it out if it takes all summer, but she just lays a couple of porcelain cvispidores in the hot sand when she feels like it and then goes away to the seaside to quiet her shattered nerves. "When two gontlemen cali on the same lady the same eyening, one arriving carlier than the other, whose place ÍS it to leave first?" asks n. ent. The enquirer should have figured this out while going home, instead of trying to console himself with the reflection that the other fellow would probably miss the last car. First swell: By Jove, Fred, that is quite the highest collar I've struck yet. Second swell- think so, oldman, Idon't mind telling yon; it's a little idea of my own. It's one of the guvnor's cuffs." These poetical birthday books are charming affairs, but yon won't find a vvoman of over nineteen making any use of the blank space corresponding to the date of her introduction on this terrestrial ball. Not much. A facetious boy asked one of his playmates how a hardware dealer difiered from a bootmaker. The latter, somewhatpuzzled, gaveitup. "Why," said the other, "because one sold the nails, and the other nailed the soles." A man was found dead on the floor of his room at the Merriwether House, Frankfort, the other morning. He had blown ont the gas, "Sad aftair?1' said the landlord, speaking of the event; "I should sayitwas. Over 1,000 feet of gas escaped. A reporter rang up the office of two prominent physicians. "Is anybody in?" was asked. "Yes, sir." "Who?'' "Me, sor, plaze." "Is Dr. A. in?" "VVouldn't Dr. R. do sor, plaze?" Well, yes." "Nather man iv 'em is here, sor." A loviug couple in Iowa were, says the local chronicler separated by "a cold clcud of frozen realism." It is evident it was not the hash question that disturbed thero. Ho we ver cold or frozen hash may be, it has never been described as a realism. "Do you know what churchyour next door neighbor attends?" inauired a friencl of an np-town man. "JSTo, I do not; but I'm sure he's a christian." "What reason have you for thinking so?" "Because he sprinkles ashes on his sidewalk when it's slippery." The money lender never neglects his business. He takes all the interest he can in it. The average life of a farmer is fiftysix years, but it depends a good deal on how old he was when he purehased a mowing machine. A hotel keeper may be eniertaining an angel unawares;butanempty tronk, all the same, can not be left as security for a board bill. Queer! The cashier who is short in his accounts is universally condemned, while a reporter short in his accounts is universally praised. The following occurred in a Lowell Sabbath school on Sunday: Teacher - "On what were given the commandments to Moses?'" Little Boy - "On two marble-top tables." The billy goats in the suburbs of New York have been eating up the newspapers left by carriers, and the detectives who were laying for an oranized gang The iirst young man who paid lifty cents for a secret that would show him how to doublé his money without risk was told to doublé up the biggest bilí he could flnd before putting it in his pocket. Orpheus when he played made the rocks come up; and his power seems to have descended to a great niany popular singcrs. You have to come up with the rocks if you want to hear them. A Louisville policeman has been discovered walking his beat at night, and the general opinión is that he is an infernal fooi, as he'd have experiencedno trouble if he'd gone to sleep in a cosy doorway. A Londoner one day by accident saw the sun. "'Eavens," saidhe "'ow they 'ave improved that there 'lcctric light." After a moment's pause, during which he gazed upon the novel sight, he added reflectively: "But 'ow in thunder did they get 'm up so 'igh." An Illinois minister took for h3 text: "Man wants but little here below, nor wants that little long." He was rcminded of the subject of his discourse after he had preacked an hour or more bj discovering that most of his congregation had gone home. A new stage kiss has been invented which lasts two minutes, and the only v;iy to prevent the over-crowding of the dramatic profession is for the star actresses to eat onions just beforo going on the stage. Nothing will quicker shatter a two-minute kiss and make it droop and die avay in two seconds than an onion-laden breath. She was asked what she thought [of one of her neighbors by the name of Jones, and with aknowing look replied: Why. I don't like tosay any thing about my nefghbors, but as to Mr. Jones, sometimes I think, and then again I don't know, but after all, I rather guess he'll turn out to be a good deal such a sort of man as I take hïin to be." Dr. Dresser, whohas written a work on Japan, saw served on the table a dish of fish "so delicately carved that no vital part was touched, and the fish was still alive and glaring on its devourer, when the last slice of its ilesh had been consumed." This may sound like a.wild statement, but the incident has been matched in this country. A minee pie has been so delicately carved and consumed by a young man just before going to bed that no vital part was touched and it was still alive and touching the vounïmans vital narts about three hours after lic had ?:iten it. At least the man rensonably inferred so from the inibroglio it fcioked up in hia interna] department.