Wit And Humor

"I'd have people know I'm nobody's fooi," saidFenderson. "Inotherwords, remarked Fogg, "you're yourown master. " - Boston Transcript. A little boy being asked if he was dux of his class, replied: "lam where the head of the class used to be, bnt the teacher has turned the class round." The man who will invent a sealskin which can be worn in summer time will gain the everlasting regard of several thousand American women. - The Drummer. A Philadelphia organist has been discharged for playing (though very slowly and solemnly) a marchfrom an opera bouffe. Seventeen deacons recognized it at once. - Phila. News. "When a man lies," observes an exchange "the devil laughs." According to this beli,ef, his satanic majesty devotes twenty-four hours a day to laughing. What a jolly oíd boy he must be. - Norristown Herald. A prominent merchant says when he ff on a tour, and spend money, but ne ast takes his ad. out of the paper, It as the same effect a red flag hung in ront of his place would.- Grip. Philadelphia girl went into a shoe tore in Chicago the other day and askd for a pair of number twos. "Very orry, we cannot accommodate yon, nadam," said the polite clerk; "but we lon'tkeep infant's shoeshere." - Phila. liews. A man who was arrested for cruelty o a miserable looking horse was asked f he ever fed him. "Ever feed Lim? rhat's a good 'un," was the reply. 'He's got a bushei and a half of oats at lome now, only he ain't got time to jat 'em." In Chicago, the other night, a mind reader placed his hand on the gentleman 's forehead and quickly replied: "You are wishing that these experiments were over so you could get a drink." And everybody exclaimed, "wonderful!" She had just visited the studio of an artist famous for painting interiors and she was going into raptures over his work. "Then you think him a great painter?" "Deiightful! So much feeling. Such good color. His insides are just too charming for anything." We hear of a woman who applied for a situation as car-driver. Being asked if she could manage mules she fully replied: "Of course I can; I've had two husbands." That woman should go to congress where there are plenty to manage. - Elmira Gazette. Wiggins, the weather man, predicts that in about ono thousand years the streets of New York will be under water. Why didn't you say whisky, Wig, and there might be some one who would believe you, even if they oouldn't liveto see the result of yotir prophecy. - Peck's Sun. In addressing a Sunday-school a whilo ago a speaker said to the boys: "Always be kind to your little sisters. Now, I never had a little sister and I once tried to be kind to some other fellow's sister, but she had a cruel father, and he hurt me helping me off the front steps." - Ex. (Scène, Highland pólice office.) Superintendent topoliceman: "Whatmean ycu, Tonal, by entering John McLuish 'tramp' in the books of the offis? What iss a tramp?" Policeman: "A tramp, yer honor, iss a man who' travels aboot an' seeks for work, anddisna' want it." Superintendent is satisfied. A Tennessee schoolmaster kissed the girls in his school as a nieans of punishment, and before the school board got onto his racket he spent an hour each day punishing the girls. Well, if he looked anything like inany school-master3 in the west, he couldn't have inflicted a worsepunishment.- Ex. "How do you find the third side of a triangle?" asked an Austin teacher of one of his pupils. The boy grumbling said in a low voice, that the teacher was a donkey. "Say it overagain, Johnny, and speak up louder. Perhaps your answer is the right one," replied the pedagogue, who is a little deaf. - Texas Siftings. A schoolmistress of Yreka, California, while on lier way to school, was attacked by an infuriated steer. "She seized the animal by the horns and held him uctil help came." The next day she saw a rat in the school room, when she hastily gathered her skirts about her, jumped upon a desk and yelled mnrder. A rat has no horns for a woinan to grab hold of. - Norristown Herald. A Germán nobleman had two sons, who were reported to be rather fast boys. One of them was a clerk in a bank, and the other was an oflicer of the army. "How are yonr sons coming on," aaked a friend. "Bad enough! The oue in the bank, who onght to be drawing drafts, speijds all his time in hunting; and the one in the army, who ought to be busy shooting, is always drawing drafts on me for money. - Texas Siftings.