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A Chapter Of Trials

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Brooklyn Eagle. Spoopendyke came homo one night bringing a small bundle in his arms. "It's a printing-press, on wliich I expect to do all my own printing hereafter," ho said. " Oh, but isn't thatiovely !" fluttered Mrs. Spoopondyke, dropping the stork and rushing to herhusband'sside, "and can't we do the loveliest things with it! Is it the kind that the Herald and Sun and all those papers are printed with?" "Oh, yes Mrs. Spoopendyke," gro wied her husband, "you've hit it exactly. This is the very kind. I got Mr. Bennett to kindly try it on, so as to get it the same size that the Herald is printed on." "And will you print papers with yours like Mr. Bennett and the other editora?" continued Mrs. Spoopondyke timidlv. Oh, but won't I, though?" yelled her husband. "JLt needed a dod gasted female idiot to thmk of that; you' ve struck the proper plan. "Think you can print a 50x60 showbill with a 3x4 press? Well, I tell ye that ye can't. Can ye get it into your measly head that this ís a card press, and can only print a card three inches by four inches?" "Oh, it's a card press is it?"ventured Mrs. Spoopendyke; "then we can print hose beautiful Christmas cards on it, can't we?" "Now you' ve got it," yelled her husband, "that's the idea. It prints in thirty-iive different colors at one impression, and any design frotu the picure of an old crank with a sealskin vercoat, loafins; around somebody's limney with a game-bag full of jurnpng-jacks, to the New Year, 1883, repreented by a hump-backed baby dressed n a broad grin, with a napkin tied ound his waist, driving out the old ear, dressed as an old tramp with a nowing machine and a gallon jug of whiskey under his arm. That's the dea, exactly. Think you can print hromos and lithographa on it, don't rou? Wellyou can't. You can only )rintone color, that is black. Think rou grasp it now?" "Well," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, "I uppose you can. print vislting-cards on t?' "Yes, Mrs. Spoopendyke, I can,"said íer husband, in a softer tone, and he jiew in a much botter humor as he prooeded to show his wife tho press and xhibit his dexterity in the uso of the ;ype and the press. At last ho got his worthy holpmeet's name set up in type, and proceeded to Hit the chase on the press with a grand lourish. But in an evil honr he had orgot to key il up, and at the first uch the wholo business went to pi, and at the next feil in a confused mas all over the carpet. "Why, what makes it do that?" said Hrs. Spoopendyko, laughing. "What makes it do what, Mrs. S?" sneered her husband, as he hit his head on a corner of the table in a mad dive after the type. "What d'ye s'pose makes it do it? What makes anything to anything? Ií I had your talent for asking idiotie questions, I'd get a glass of beer and a three-inch paper collar, and live out as a prosecutíngattorney." By this time the worthy gentlemen ïad got the name set up ana securely 'astened, and was printing with great justo, but he had, unfortunately, set ;he types in wrong order, and tho first eight perfumod visiting cards camo out ike the following: gdoodaupfiqd' When Mrs. Spoopendyke aaw it she set up a little scream, "Oh but isn't that funny, though. What raakes it be wrong side up?'? "Funny1" howled her husband, with horrid derision, as he grasped the situation. "Tt's a perfect thunderbolt of fun. It's the most deliciously humorous thing of the century. All you necd is an advertisement of ïiver pills on the cover, and a joko about a goat on the first page, tó be a comic almanac. With your appreciation of humor, all you nced is a broad grin and 3,000 worth of stolen diamonds, to be the leading comedienne of the American boards. Can'tyou see the measly type's turned wrong? Theyhave only got to be turned round the otherway." After half an hour of diligent labor, the types were again in position, securely keyed vip and put on the press. When the flnal arrangements were completed, Mr. Spoopendyke turned round to wink at the baby, and incautiously left his thumb over the edge of the press. As luck would have it, Mrs. Spoopendyke in her anxiety to show her husband how well she understood and appreciated the press brought the lever down and the uress closod on that gentleman's thumb, making him jump four feet high, and utter an exclaiuation that would have made the second lieutenant of a cumpany of pirates blush! 'Dod dast the measly printing press,' he shrieked, as he smashed thebase-burner with it, and then threw it in the alfey. "Haven't ye got any sense scarcely! Why don't ye go on with the entertainment? The measlv thing only got as f ar as the bone. Why don't you begin on the skeleton? Why don't y e finish the chapter?" and Mr. Spoopendyke danced up-stairs, five at a timo, with a parting injunction to his wifo to hirc out for a slaughter-housc. "Well,'" said Mrs. Spoopendyke, as sho picked up the baby, and put a pitcher of water where 'her husband would be sure to fall over it when he went down stairs in the morning, "If we have so nnich trouble in printing one word, I wonder how Mr. Bennett gets along with a whole newspaper to print. ' ■ The doctor is called to the son of a business man. He writes a prcscription that the family hasten to have filled. On the following day he returns to see his patiënt, and finds the family in tears. "Alas!" sighed the mother, "I did not belivethe measles eould kill my poor boy." "The measles!" exclaiined the dootor; "lie had the measlos and you, didn't teil me!"- Paris Wit. At the postoffice the other day, a Yankee saw an Englishman lay his threecent stamp back down, and, wetting his thumb, proceeded to daub the back with a view to making it stick to the letter. "That's it!" roaredtho Yankee; 'a Britisher don't feel competent to lick George Washington, though he's been dead over 80 years!"- Drake's Travelers' Magazine. "That off-horse secms to be lame," said a possenger upon a steam-heated Second avenue car front platform to the drivor, the other morning. "The gray wan, ye mane? interrogerated the driver. "Yes." " "Faix that áiu't the ofl-iiorse, it is the nigh one." "Excuse me," politely answered the passenger, "but I'm left-handod."- The Judge. The state of Prince Bismarck's health still continúes unsatisfactory. He suffers less than formerly from palns and swollen veins in the lower limbs. but there can be no doubt that the once iron constitution of the Chancollor has undergone a change for the worse, so that he is now very susceptible to atmospheric changes.


Old News
Ann Arbor Democrat