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The Fat Woman's Husband

The Fat Woman's Husband image
Parent Issue
Day
4
Month
May
Year
1883
Copyright
Public Domain
OCR Text

Pecks Sun. "You don't seem to know me," piped a squeaking voice at the door of the editorial room on Tuesday. The voice carne from a face about as big and full of wrinkles as a baked apple, on top of a body that looked as though it might be made up of au old suit of clothes and m umbrolla frame. "Well, I don't sccm to, though the voice is familiar," said the editor as he sruiled on the human shrimp and bade hin enter. "You are not a book agent in disgnise, or a Nihilist?" "No," says the little man, with a pained look at being thought a book agent, "I was in hero last f all and you wrote my wife up. I am the husbánd of tho fat woman that travels wkh the side show. We are on our way to join the shov. and tho old lady has wintered splendid. She has gained about a hundred pounds. I teil you that Dakota air is the thins:, for the profession. Every professional on the stage orinthe circus ought to winter in Dakota." "What, you haven' t been out there all winter with your delicate wife, have you," said the newspaper man, to draw him out. "Yes, you reniember af ter my wife had the cough in Michigan, and I had ie trouble with the landíord of the ïotel about charging mo seven dollars or mustard for piasters, that I left her with the show and went west to take ut farm. Well, I built a house, and after lie show season was over my wife came n. It took us two days to get her to he farm from the station. You see, here was no wagon she could ride in, o we had to walk her out there, and he got stalled in the mud several times, 'he living skeleton come with her, and we had to carry her most of the way.but had to do about all the lifting, beoause ,he skeleton hasn'tgot any niuscle. But ve got to the farm ünally. and the Albino 'irl came up to visit us and got snowed n and had to stay all winter. She had an engagement witb a hall show at the east, out had to break it, and she is joing to bring suit against the territory of Dakota for damages, on account of the snow. We passed a very happy winter, only we got a little short of provisions a few times, but it didn't make much diflerence only to the living skele;on. He has got an appetite that a milionaire ought to have. Eat ! Yoa wouldn't think a frail body could contain so niuch. But my wife is a delicate eater, thougli she is lightning on gin, and the Albino girl is only a moderate eater. That climate is elegant for all of our crowd. The Albino girl's hair grew eight inches longer, and the skeleton lost fourteen pounds, besides, as I told you, my wife gained a hundred. They will all get higher wages this year. The manager of our side show was in St. Paul with the dwarf and the Zulu, and the fellow without any arms and legs, and he brought them up to the farm for a week, and we would have had a fine reunión, only for the blizzard. A blizzard come up one morning, and we thouglit the end of the world had come, We stationed my wife out at the north side of the house to keep the snow off the building, and laid the living skeleton down at the bottom of the door as a weather strip to keep the snow out, and I stuffed the dwarf into the cat hole, while the Albina girl sat in a window where the glass was gone, and we used her hair to run our lingera in to keep them warm. The Zuln twisted hay into ropes to burn for cooking, and the man without legs and arms madohimself useful holding down the furniture. Well, it was pretty tough for a couple of days, but the blizzard iinally blew over, and we shoveled the snow away from around my wife and rolled her in. She was the only warm one in the family, though she took a cold on her lungs, and her cough is like a cross betweon afog whistle and the nojse of a boiler factory. Do you know, thatold fellowthat keepsthe hotel down to the depot, wants mv wife to go out on the depot platform every time she coughs. He says it shakes off the plastoring. We carne through St. Paul yesterday and the whole town turned out to see us. My wife got wedged in a car doorat the depot, and it took an hour before we could get her out. She had to rido down here in the baggage car, with süding doors on the side. I think it was a mean thing for the baggage man to hang a eheck on to my wife's belt, and chalk 411-44 on her black silk polonaise witb white chalk. But she got even with him. When the train was going through the tunnel up there near Sparta my wife coughod, and the baggage man thought the tunnel was falling in and he got down on nis knees on a pile of ducks some hunters had in the car, and tried to pray, but he had forgotton the combination, he had been railroading so long, and hadn't got any farther than 'now I lay me1 when the" train came out of the other end of the tunnel, and my wife laughed at him. He said he hadn't been so scared since he had the blood hounds of an Uncle Tom's Cabin party in his car, and they treed him up on the bell rope, and toro off the lower end of his clothes. Well, we go to Chicago at one o'clock, and 1 must go downto the depot and arrange with that old fellow that keeps the hotel to feed the gang. He will probably charge doublé price for my wife, and I can wring the living skeleton in at half price, on account of his slimness, we will paralyze that hotel keeper, andif he will wish hehad never been born. Well, we will probably be around here with the circus this summer, and I will bring the whole gang up to see you. Good day. ' And the husband of the fat woman leaned towards the door and feil out in the hall. "You say your wife is tryingto get a divorce ?" sáid the lawycr. "Yaw," answered Hans Spreckendeutck. "Yafi, dotisso." "And now you want to suö Jacob Schneider for daniages for alien ating her afl'eotions?" "Yaw." "Was sho a good wife?" "No, she vas a bad womans. She runs mit de poys." '-Dicl you love her very much?" "No, I'm potter midout her," "Well, if she was a bad woman, and you are better without her, you are not much damaged if Jacob Schneider takes her off your hands." "Yah, it looks like dot, ain't it. Mebbe its petter I don'd say nuttings aboud it. But, by shirninies, I pities dot Yawcob Schneider." - The Bookkeeper. Wendell Phillips' wife has been an invalid for over 30 years, and during aD Ihis time the great orator has been untiring in his attention to her. "No one but you can know what it has been to care for her," was remarkod to him reeently. "Ah! No one but me knows howgood she is," was his heartsome answer. A Mr. Robert Griffin, of London, is afraid that the earth will not bo large enough to hold the inhabitants it will have some years henee. Robert is living in a very crowded part of the world. Set him down' on an American prairie and he will not feel so bunchcd up in his mind as he does at the present moment. - New Orloans Picayune. At breakfast the other morning a New York dude declined a picce ef shad. He had been told that fish f ood inade brain, and he didn't want to unfit himself for

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Subjects
Old News
Ann Arbor Democrat