Press enter after choosing selection

Wit And Humor

Wit And Humor image
Parent Issue
Day
5
Month
October
Year
1883
Copyright
Public Domain
OCR Text

The Maoria have a superatitioas boief in fairios. Porhaps Mr. Herbert 31ade thonght ihat Sullivan wasaiairy. A Moxican lady of rank Las hair two and a half yards long. She willbe able ;o soll out at a profit when therc comes a boom in the hair markot. Members of the Concord School of Fhilosophy oan eat clam but sparingly. and it must bc wcll bakea, touaer, auu lbo white mc.it of the breast. A oynlcal writer says fans, which aro known to hare cxisted 3,000 years ao, nrc tlic oldest articlcs in use by the ladies, exccpt thcir tongues. As like as two peas- ïvvo Q's. As swift as an arrow- The head of it. As warm as toast - The dough in it. As frail as a bandhox - The bonnet in it. A taüor was startled the other day by the return of a bilí whieh he had sent to an editor, with a notice that the "manuscript was resjjectfullydeolined." When Henry was courtin Sarah he used to boast that lic had a "boss" girl; now that hu is married ho iinds that he has a "boss wife; but he never mentions it. It is only tho female uiusquito that bites. Whlle the female is off huntinoj blood, tho nialü is holding n politica! convention Id the wóods andsetting vip primariea for iiext yoar's campaign. Thcro is still one thiug in favor of the dude - he will never blow out his brains for any womau. A charge of nl-.if 41tnA ïiili cunnP wñti lll Tinti Mllli, 111' VI 111LW líífLJ VfJLVWf ""' vhit anything. When you notice a paragraph beginning witii: "A good story is told of So-and-so," don't trouble yourself to read 'ü. It has been pnblished undcr somc guise in every newspaper in the world. The average young lady wants at least four feet of a seat in a street car for a rido of six blocks, but she will ride half a day Sunday squeezsd into a bnggy seat besido her young man and not find tlie least fanlt. 'í'ui glad Billy had the sense to marrv a ettlcd old maid," said Grandma WinkniM at the wedding. "Gals is hily-tity, and widders is kincley overrulin' and unsettin'. Old makls is kindor thankful and williu' to please." La Fiancec: "Oh, dear! Ihavegotto o-o and I slinll havo to be away two wholo years, and I ani dreadfully afi-aid." La Fianoe: "Now, how silly yon are, wlion I havo proruised to be ultorly borcd until jou come back." Au ox team is singularly synibolie of courtship and marriage, for it begins with a bow, continues with a ring and a voko, progresse3 with a longue, and enils bv presonting to the woríd a piotui'O of a goaded pair. Considering the public way in which ladies carry thoir purses, it is strango that thicves do not snatchthem oftener. Perhaps, though, the thievos have fouud out that the purses are like human heads- the highcr they are carried the less there is in them. A litlle girl's essay on a cow: "A legs, onc on eacli corner, and a tail beliml. It is a very bcantiful animal, the oow is. ItgivesuSmilk, butter, cheese, and knife-iiandles. The cow is a woDian animal." At. a rcoeut weddkig in Cantón, Mo., tlio parson closcd the coremony with ibc sen lenco: "Whom (Jlod hath joiucd togcthcr lol no man put asunder," when an ngeil woman exoïaimed, with groat oarnestness, "Or no woman, oitlier, for they'ro just as bad as the men." ít has been thought for a long time that photographs could not be taken sucoessfully by artificial light. But the other nigbt a West HiJl man had his taken in the dark. He doesn't care anylhing about the photograph, but will (rive 5 to get the frame back. In modern Egypt a young man is not permitted to see his wife's face before marnage. The Boston girls are using evcry eftbrt to have this custom introduccd into this country. It is the ouly way they can liopc to compete with the Western branch of the business. -Lynn Bee. A St. Louis paper, in its account of an interview witli Mrs. Langtry, rather meanly says: "Under a blue satin sofa could "bc seen a pair of rather generously proportioued bronze slippers. ' ' This is rather "fresh," coming from a city where girls uso two soias to conceal their footwear - one for each slipper. - San Francisco Post. True caution: "Ma," said Jennie Parvenu at Newport, "they said those Smiths wlio have got the Jones cottage are awful stylish and have got a pedigree." "Got the pedisrree, have they?" said Mrs. Parvenú excitedly; "well yon keep away from thein, for I don't want youtöcstch il." - Neiv York Mail and Ezxjrcss. "WÍiat be themP" said a countrynwu, stopping in front of a fruit store yesterday and pointing to a bunch of bananas, liavmg learned lie oougnt a plump redskin, and, without stopping to peel it, bit oft' the end. The bananawas (inishcd in the primoval style, and then the granger remarked: "The rind ain't rnuch, but the peth ia purty fair." A nüted base-ball player has been senten 2cd to tlie Penitentiary in New York for attehiptisg to murdor his wife. Somc of his old comrades have very littlé sympathy with him. lf be had ultempted to murder the umpire tho defeatcd ninu wouldhavepresented liim with a handsomo testimonial. Il it wasn't for the unfair decisions of tho umpire, both clubs would always win. - Norristown Herald. "The Swedes aro sohonest thatevery eme into :ui opera uousenangs nis ambrolla in the lobby and nover tSinks of asUiug for a check." If the urnbrollas aro anything like the one we saw oarried by a Swede in this country the othcr day, wc aro notsurprisod that a check is not domanded for their safe rel urn. The Swode who loses his unibrolla must be envied by thoso who aro lcss fortúnate. - Norristown Ilerald. "Simon yoivvc been drinking agaiu. I smell liquor on your breath, and it was only yesterday you proruised me, your fond wife, that you hadnow linally reformod." '-Y"es, " Mrs. Mullberry liii 'tli Tint. vnn sho {hir t.llft V 1 1 I I } it.iii o_ , ui-tv ivvl gLiv V y tílv' cholera' s a-raging in Egypt (hic), anrs corain' in Ihis direcshun liko (hic) 'spress train. Got to begin to brace up my (lüe) systoru in time, Mrs. (hic) Mulberry.''1 Mrs. Tompkius roquests the pleasure of Captain Brown's company to a small party on a certain Friday evening, and receives tho followiug repíy : "21 Spriggins place, Monday. Captain Brown presents his complimentsto Mrs. Tompkíns, and regrets that thirteen privates will bo detaiued by habeas corpus writs, and two sergeants are on the sick-list. The rest of Captain Brown's company will have mnon pleasurc in waiting oa Mrs. ïompldn's on Friday evening." - "What makea yur aclc dat way?" askcd oUl Nelson of his wife, as she turnecl and looked at a wonian. w'ho passed along tlie street. "I wansterseo what she's got on," the woman. replied. "Now ain't dat a fine tvick?" Wanster sec wbut sho's k01 on. ])o:in ti'iink dat she's got auy ob }-erse'f's clothcs, does yer? Think dal sho's beea stealin' somethin', I roekin, Come on heah, now, an' quit er tryin' to ack like a white 'onnui." No sncli slow coach: "So A. gol away with $100,000?" said a reporter to the president of the bank. "Yes," responded the president with a sigh; "but 'that is not the worst of it." "What! did ho take the convertible bonds besides the cashP" "N sir," roturnetl the president; "the villian got away with my daughter." "Ah! an elopenient," "Yes, by Cupid!" "Ah," murmured the reporter (a Harvard gradúate) thoughtfülly, "falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus." "Omnibus be smashed!" roared the president; "omnibus, indeed! No, sir; steam cara. Darn 'cm, thoy jumped oa the_ steam cara. Only a bkimed fooi would elope in an omnibus, anyhow!"

Article

Subjects
Old News
Ann Arbor Democrat