Donkey For Dunder

"Vhell, bow you vhas now?" said Mr. Dniider, as he tiptoed into the station and stood before the fat pólice sergeant the other afternoon. "Oh, it's you?" muttered the sergeant as he looked up. "Yes, she vhas ir.e. I vhas going by aboudt a mile avhay, you know, tind I shust drop in to see if yon vhas deadt Last time I vhas here I told you I vhas going back to Shermany, bnt I don 't go, you see. ' ' "Isee." "Sergeant, don't you remember how I Tised to be sorue hayseeds - ha, ha, hal Nottings vhas two times alike, und eaferybody shsvindles nis." "Yes, I remeruber," ansveered the sergeant. "I vhas greenhorns. If a man comes to me mit an express package, I pay him seex dollar und find a big stone in it. If somebody comes und says I shall run for office, I gifs him ten dollar und don't see him any more. If aman likestc put Cari Dunder in a book mit Sheorge Washington und Grofer Cleveland, I pays hiru feefty dollar und nefferseedot book. It makes me laugh dot I vhas sooch hayseeds - ha, ha, ha!" "Mr. Dunder," said tle sergeant, after looking up at the clock and out of the alley window, "what do you want to see me for?" "I shust like to know if you vhas all right, you see." "There's something else. You have beer swindled again. " "Oh, no, no, nol Vhen I vhas some greeuhorns, I vhas took in, but nobody can fooi me now. So you don't haf der shroallpox und vhas all right, eh?" "I want to know what's happened to yop, " said the sergeant, as he carne out frota behind his desk, with a grim smile on his face. "Vhell - ha, ha, ha! Don't I say nottings happens to me? I shust haf some good luck, you know. Don't you worry aboudt Cari Dunder. He vhas all right. [ vhas going to rnake more ash ten tousnd dollar in one year. ' ' "Teil me how. " "Vhell, I like to wait nnd surprise you, but mebbe she vhas all right to teil you now. Did you hear of dot funny paper in Cheecago?" "Whichone?" "She vhas called 'Der Gigantic Shoser und Laugh Maker, ' und she vhas so 'unny dot vhen you read her you must 'all down on der floor - ha, ha, ha!" "Have you got a copy?" "No. A feller come in ray place und tells me all aboudt her. I vhas all alone vhen he comes in und says vhas I Cari Dunder. I vhas. Dot vhas all right. He reads of me in the papers, und be comes ■ one tousand miles to see me. He vhas ! der editor of dot paper." "I see. Aud what did he want of yon?' "Vhat vou belief, ch? He vhants me to write for bis paper, niid he gifs me oue hoondred dollar a week. Dot brings hiw here. He saya I vhas so funny dot he must haf my shokes in bis -paper. Shildren croy for 'em. " "Wheu were you funny?" asked the sergeant. "I - I duüno, but dot's vhat be said to me. He like soine shokes right avhay, und so I gif hirn some. I vbill shpeak dose shokes to you, und you vhill see bow funny dey vhas. "Vhy vhas a man who leaves bis pocketbook under his pillow at home like a ship iu a storm? Because his wif e takes oudt ten dollar bef ore hegets back." "He didn't take that from you as a joke, did he?" exelaimed the sergeant. "Of course. Vhenhereads dot shoke, he laughs till I half to hit hira on der back. Dotmakesme laugh, too - ha, ha, ha! Here vhas another: "Vhy should a man who has eat sorne oysters all winter go avhay from home in der spring? Beeause he vhants a change pf clámate. " "Great Scott!" gasped the sergeant, "and he took that?" "Vhy not? He fallsofl his shair vhen he reads dot shoke, und he says his readers vhill be comvulsed for trwo weeks. Here vhas one more: "Vhot vhas dot deeferenoe between a man oop a tree und a man down a hole in der gromid? One must come oop und one must come down - ha, ha, ha!" "Mr. Dunder, " solemnly observed the sergeant, "did yon cash a check for that man - the editor?" "Of cours-e not. If he says dot he likes me. to cash a check, I take him foi a fraud. Oh, ao! Cari Dunder vhas no sunflower - not dis time. " "But you lcnt him money?" "I - I - vhell, she vhas o:;e hoondred dollar a week on dot paper, und he pays her back ruit dot first salary. He doan' say right out dot I shall lend hini twenty dollar, but" - "But he got it?" "Vhell, hc haf to go back to Cheecago, don't he? If somebody don't piek bis jMckct, he vhas al] right. He don't vhant to take dot mony, but I put her in bis pocket. He vhas so glad dot I sce tears in his eyes. " "And you helped swindle yourself. Why don't you change your name to Cari Donkey?" "Shwindlcd! How you mean? Don't I write some shokes?" "No! You couldn't write a joke in 100 years!" "Und don't I wr5te for bis paper at one hoondred dollar a week?" "Kot aliñe - not a cent! That man simply played you for a flat. The longer yon live the less you know. You ought to have your skull sandpapered. " "So - so I vhas tooken in?" gasped Mr. Dunder, ashestaredat the sergeant. "Of course you vvere. " " Und I vhas hay seeds nnd greenhorns, eh?" "You look out or the cows will bite yon." "Sergeant, let me shpeak to you. I vhas going all oafer town und look for dot man. If he vhasn't bere, I shall go to Cheecago und find him. If he vhas alive, I shall meet him, nnd vhen I meet him I shall give him a shoke like dis: "Vhy was a d.ead beat like a hnrricane?" "Because why?" asked the sergeant. "Because I shump in on him und shoke him till he vhas black der face. Den I sball buinp his head on der sidewalk seenteen times. Den I shall knock him by der middle of last week one vhay, nnd by der middle of uext week der other way, und vhen dot coroner comes arouud to sit on der body he don't find uottiiigs bnt some teeth nnd shoestrings. Sergeant, goodby. If I dou't fiud dot man und git gome revenge you shall IoqIj for me to be found deadt mit some sorrow on my face. ' '