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Anecdotes

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Parent Issue
Day
31
Month
October
Year
1879
Copyright
Public Domain
OCR Text

Colorado has the most aelightful chmate in the world, and bed-bugs. A mother in Israel residing there requires her grand-daughter, a young High School miss, to read to her daily some portion of the Good Book. While so engaged recently the young lady suddenly stopped, and exclaimed, "Why, grunrtina. I declare, here isa grammatícal error." The oíd lady replied, "No matter, darling, Kill it and go on." A learned Irish judge, among other peeuliarities, had a„.habit oí begging pardon 'on every occasion. Once his favorite expression was employed in rather a singular manner. At the close of the assizes, us he was about to leave the bench, the offlcer of the court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the crimináis, as he had intended. "l)ear me," said his lordship, "I heg his pardon- bring him in." The other night at a London club, some Americana were boasting about their inventibns, and the wondert' ui machines to be found in the States. One of them told of the well-known mincing machine which, a live hog being introduced at one end, turns out tlie animal in sausages at the other. An lrishrnan, who was not going to have the Yankees ride rough-shod over every other nation, turned on them and said, "Bedad, we've got the same machine in Ireland, only ouis is more perfect, sure ; for if you don't like sausages you can i"f - "K inr ' k-ttTKi öy reversmg the action they'll come out a live pig agin where he went in." A recent trip of tiie City of Chester of the Inman Line. trom New York to Liverpool; was enlivenëd by the wit of a Washington girl, wlio was the ftivorite passenger. In t.hn paipf;tfinw(r was a youngEngTish snob. Aw.'p said he, iu conversation with Uie Washington girl, "I have seen considllc„ ■ .- ■■-_ „.,fy r tiMve seen otlier places, and it is agwate country, but you don't seem to have any gentwy in América." "What do you cali gentry '?" asked the lady. "Aw ! why people, you know, who doant have to do anything, you know; people who live without work. ' "Oh, yes ! we have such people," answered the lady ; "but we don't cali them gentry." "Aw! then what do you cali thern, pway?" "We cali them twamps." "Aw." Lady to peasant- "How mueh for that load of peat ï" Peasant- "Fifteen francs madam." Lady- "Oh. mercy me, that's too dear. Besides, I don't want such a small load- I want a two-horse load." The peasant goes to a friend.borrows his friend's horse and hitches it to tlie cart beside his own animal and returns. Peasant- "Here is a two-horse load, madam." Lady- "Ah, that is more li IIow much?" "Peasant- "ïwenty-flve francs, ma dam." "Lady- "Very well; I will take it.This is very much like the proceedure of the average bar-keeper, who, being asked if that is rye whisky, affeets to be covered with confusión, puts the Bourbon bottle into the ice under the counter, rattles it, hands it out again and beams upon the customer, who says appreciatively, "Ah, that's right- always give me rye." A lady had issued invitations for a dinner party of twelve; and on the morning of the appointed day, when conferring with her footman, she discovered that one of the twelve silver shells in which scalloped oysters were to be served had been misplaced. Rigid search for the missing article having proved unavailing, the lady decided that sooner than give up that particular couree she would simply decline oysters when they were handed her, and so the eleven shells were sufflcient. It happened that when the oysters were served at dinner the hostess was engaged in a very anhnated conversation with one or two of her neighbors and f orgetting her determination, took one of the shells of oysters and set it before herself. If the servanfs heart feil in consternation at this, he gave no external sign of it, but speaking in tones distinct though low, said respectfully : "Excuse me, madame, but you said I was to remind you that the doctor forbade your eating oysters!" - "-- ■ Counsel : "Do you know anything of this case?" Juryman: "No." "Ever readofit?" "No." "What! never?" "No." [ Applause.] "Have you formed any opinions about anything ?" "No." "Ne ver have opinions ?" "No." "What! neverV" "No." [ Applause.] "Ever heard 'Pinafore' "V "No." [Groans. Kemarks : "No wonder he didn't do it. Sold."] "No sympathv with anything pertaining to the public interest?"' "No." "No information, no knowledge, no opinions, no taste for reading, no desire to know what's goingon in the world?" "None whatever." Counsel, finally: "Good! i'ou'll do for a jury man. You are accepted!' Lo, the poor printer, sitting on hls stool, dissembleth alyly with his stick and rule - sogers all earnestlv o'er this and that, with oue eye peeled upon the hook for fat; or, waiting for copy, o'er the stone he stoops, and two-era quads in hand, he lefia for

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Subjects
Old News
Ann Arbor Argus