A Lucky Die

What the dence ails me ? Where am I, anyhow ? Wherever I am, springs and matresses must be scarce, for I k'iow I am laid on some mighty hard substance. Wonder if it Is on a dissecting board? Wonder if I'm dead? I feel mighty like it. Maybe I am stretched out readv for tl ie doctors to carve me. These were my first thoughts, very cheering, indeed, as I becarae conscious. I could neither speak nor move ; but I soon lëarned tliac I could hear. A door opened, footsteps approached, I feit a cloth removed from mv face, and a voice, which I recognized as that of my intended f ather-in-law, said : "He hasn't changed nmch," and liia companion, whose voice I recognized as Sowerby's, the undertaker, said lightly : "There's just where you are mistaken, Mr. Mufiins; hé looks a cussed sight i ictter dead than alive, but how does Friscilla feel about it ? ïake on much, eh ?" "'Oh! nn, just enough to appear well," aid the father of my afflanced, with a huckle. "She never cared mucli for Smith; 'twas his stamps that she f anied. My Priscilla is a practical girl and went in for liis dimes, his carriage and greys, although at the same time ! must own that she was spooney on bald-pated Iloward, the artist, but he's oor as Job's turkey, as the saying is." "WeU, she can have him now for all lus poor c:uss, can't shoV" said Sotrerby, beaüng a tattoo with his digits on my chest. ifc v "i presume so, but she will wait till ,he year is up, for fear of gossip, you kuow." "lint who gets his nioney, seeing tlie oor cuss has no relations?" queried lie undertaker. , uui Liutu o au iim. i uu ace, my 3riscilla is a sensible girl. Before she prontised to marry him she had him make his will in lier favor, Poor Smith was rather sappy, yuu know; ïad noihing against liirn, liowever, alliough he was deucedly homely, and uch a barndoor of a mouth, always open." "Well," said the clieerf ui voice of the mdertaker, "his niouth is shut tight enough now, I reckon ; he'll never open t in this world again. I reckon his inmortal part is now with the angels." And my mortal part is also with the angels, thought I - a tine pair of angels ! l feit indignant at their clumsy ridicule. I tried to shut my flst, but the devil a shut was to it. I could do ïothing but listen. He then began to ne&bhre me formy coftin. Ihad heard hat undertaker's whistled joyfully wlien they got a measure. I believed it to be only a joke on the craft; but Soweiby actually struck up tlie air "Pull DOWII tllP. Blinda" in ;i eilMllPfi trilling whistle while hemeasured me. -a nobby casket and 100 hacks, eb, Mr. MuffinsV Must make a big thing of it. The cuss lef t lots of money, and remember he was to be your Priscilla's husband. Must make a splurge, Mr. Mufflns," said the worthy undertaker, with au eye to his own pocket "Well, 1 don't mind if the cofihi is a little nobby looking; but 100 hacks! The deuce' Just send one or two for the mourners, and the rest who come to attend the funeral can furnish their own rigs or hoof it, whichever suits them." They covered my face again and lef t me to my own reflections. I had of ten heard it remarked that meditation was good lor the soul, and this was the best chance I ever had of trying it. An hour must have passed and the door was again opened, and two persons came, whispering dong, to where I lay, and the voice of my promised wife feil on rny ear. "I dread to look at him, Mr. Iloward ; lie was so homely when living, he must be frigbtf ui when dead." I ground my tceth in rage as 1 remembered how often she had gone into raptures, or pretended to, over my noble brow and expressive moutli, and would solemnly declare that if [ were taken from her she would enter a convent, take the black veil and never morebehold the sun. One of them raised tlie cloth. I knew they were looking at me. Iloward was the chap she was spooney on, whoni her father had mentioned. "Seerns to me vou don't feel very bad about liis dying, Miss Mufflns," exelaimed Iloward, deliberately. "Well, to teil the trutli," saul my betrothed, "i don't care very nmch about it. If he had lived I suppose 1 should have married him, because he was ricli ; but I was getting about sick of my bargain, for, I know I should always be ashamed of him." "But you loved him," remarked Howard. 'ïo, I didn't! My affections were wasted tóng ago on oiie who never reLurned my love." And my fawt-fading idol sighed lieavily. They had now cowml my iaceagain, and werè standing wilhin a few feet of where l lay. "About how long ago, Miss Muflïns?" asked Howard. "Oh ! about a year or so," with another sigh. "About the time I went away '{" interrupted the cautious Howard, cougliing a littlc. "Well, yes, about that length of tinifi," assented my dear artianced. "Now, Miss Mu-Muf-Mullins- you- oli! you don't mean to insinúate that I-I-I, oh! oh! oh! too much bliss - :im the lucky- " "! don't mean to insinúate anything, Mr. Howard ;" and the angelic sweetiish of her voice became somewhaL metallic "Now, see here- Pris-Pris-cilla- oh ! let me cali youby that melodious name. See here! I alwayslovedyou; not for yoiir beauty. God knows, but for yonr artlessness; 'pon niy soul I (lid, and would liave proposed to you only i heard you were engaged to the chap that is stretched there." "Olí! Mr. Ilovvard!" said Mis, Smith that was to be, giving a little squeal. "Don't Mr. Howard me, If you return iny aSection you must cali me by some pet ñames. Cali me TCarry- cal! me Lovey - but for Ileaven's sake don't Mr. "Howard me, niy own Priscilla!"said Howard, in a quivering voice. Then I heard a movement of feet, accompanied by a loud lip explosión. Moses! hovv mad I got! I tried to kick or grate my teeth, but the devil a kick or a grate could I raise. 1 was obliged to grin and bear it. Bear it I liad to: but grin 1 couldn't. Soon iny company left, and 1 was again entertained by my own pleasant thoughts. iintil I agaiu tVlt the nloth warm palm was laid on my torehead, and the low sweet voice of Minnie Rivers whispered- well, no matter what. Night carne - so (lid the neitflilors to my wake; and f rom two oíd crones who sat near me I learned to my horror that I waa to be büried next day. "Of course you are coming to the funeral to-morrow, Mrs. Frizlebaum V" said one of them. "Oh ! dear, yes, surely. I hope it may turn out a ñneday, for I want to enjoy the ride to the cemetery," [ then lost eonsciousness, and the next I heard were the grating voices of Priscilla, my iiancee, and her mother. Apparently they were bmshing. dusting and giving the room a general slicking up before the funeral. "Ís Howard to be one of the pallbearersV asked the voice of my mother-in-law that might have been. "He would be, gladly, but he hasn't a suit of black clothes," said my sweetest. "Why, Priscilla! my child, don't you remember Smith's black broad-cloth ; the suit is brand new. I know it will fit Iloward. Cali hlm in- he's sitting in thekitchen - and let him try them on." Now, this black suit was a particular favorite of mine, a perfect tit, that set my person off to great advantage, and it made my blood boil to hear them talk so coldly of transferring it tojpy rival, to be worn at my funeral. I was getting very mad now. I feit the crisis was near, and that I should either die or explode if they meddled with my black suit. Priscilla tock it down f rom the peg - I knew it, for 1 heard the buckles jingle - and ma'e for the door. I tried to shake my list, and yell at her, but all in vain, and there I lay, outwardly calm as a lamb, my inwards boiling with wrath. It was too much! The deepest trance could not have held out against that suit; with a powerful effort I sprang up and howled. Priscilla dropped my dollies, her mother the duster, and both bounded out of the room squêalinglike shot rabbits. With difficulty 1 managed to get my clothes, and had jnst sjot inside my pants when Mrs. Mutlins and lier daughter, headed by the undertaker, peered in at the door; a motley company of women and smutty-faced children stood in the rear, Such scaied-looking owls; enough to amuse a dead man. So 1 laughed. It was not very becoming; but I laughed peal after peal till my sides began to ache. ïhen the undertaker ventured near me, saying, rather dubiously ; "So you are not dead yet, Mr. Smith ?" "Well, no, not exactly; sorry to disappoint my friends about the funeral, however." "Yes," he assented, absently ; "bad rather - that is -ahem!" Fooled out of the dimes, cari i;i and greys, my gal, thought I, as i lookfl! a Prioiillo ■(o apeak with him, said her father, in an undertone; "act your part well." They now began to gather arouud me and to congratulate me on my narro w escai-e. 1 noticed tliey cried i great deal more than when I was dead. Priscilla came and hung on my neck, sni veling desparately. I gave :ier a not-over-g3ntle push f rom uk and told her to wait next time till I was safely buried before she meddled with my clothes. "Oh! ï'm so glad!" she said, sweetly, without appearing to notice what 1 said about my clothes, "that you ave not dead, dear. My heart seemed witbered and broken to see you lying so cold and white. I wept bitterly over your poor ángelic face my darling." "Oh, yes, you did. I heard you ai d Iloward take on at a f urious rate. J t was a very lucky die for me, my ducky." "Could you hear '{" she gasped. "I rather think I could," I replied . "So good-by, my noble girl ; you can have the pleasure of calling Iloward all the pet ñames you can lay your tongue to." She made a bee-line l'o the open door, and her pull-back wr the last I ever saw of her. Ilowar. never married her, and I stil' hear sli lives a life of single blessedness. As am writing this piece a qulet litt' figure steals to my side, and a sofï white hand, whieh sends a thrill o pleasure to my heart, is laid loving oi my shoulders; yes, the hand of Minni Ilirers, now Minnie Smith. my wife.