Wit And Humor

Pepo says that beautr draws us by aftingie hair. It ci vsn't nowaday. When a beauty gets so bald-hcadefl Üiat she has b'ut oue huir left, JE doesi't draw much. "When a man rots ready to swear over nn appareptly tough goov?. ."d thenfinds the joints yield readity to tho itnife, he believes that "A softanser tirnclh away wi-nth." TIb wiw Gcograpliical Society of Japan lias just publislied, on a mrze ecale a raap of tlic city of Yeddo. The lames of districts, stroets and the )iko ri'C inaerted both in Jupanese aud Latin clurajcters. Wlen you wc fonr or five chlldren vrlio iiecd coutbinr, washing, aiid patctóng, holding a" convonlion on a front door-step, yon Uavc come to a lioii-f where tlio jnotliei' paints pottery. r"lore jg r.n unprecedented actiTity ia cl-il nianu facturera, 'fhey are ■rtini and it is feared thai tlio supply of metal will run short. A St. Louis girl has ordered a paiiof .skalos. T.Vo ladics nre disonseing a tliird, wlio is, of cour-e, beent. "6he is reallj charniing," says one, "and, above all.she lias guch au air of intelligence." 'Yes," answers the other, "but thcre areno words to that air." Never mind a man wlio is hard np, for'ie eau work. Never mind a woman ivho is dead brote, for she can get niaried. But think of the little dogs win haven't got any velvet blankets and wlio can't get einployment. A gentleman accidentolly steps on a dail ty ])Oodlo led by an elegant woman. "Ötupid! A little more and you woild have crushed Fido." "Ah! If I had crushed him I wou ld have replaced him." "You flatter yourself!" "Prisoner at the bar," said the judge "is ihcre anything you wisli (o s.ay before sciitence is possed upon you?" Theprisoner looked wistfully toward the loer, nul remarked that he would like to say "Good ereaing," if it would be ajreeable to the company. "Xnria," said a pions husbaud tohis wile "théna wicked Ömiths are allowing thoir children to play in the yard n Ssudays. To-morrow 111 set the dog ju their chickoas. The judgment of lieavcn must )e visitcd on 'eui in somt way." Ayomig lady was tilcen to task for tigtii lacing, and siie suid she resorted to tic practica on purely oconomical grouids. '-llow is" tlmtV" asked her repiover. "Why," she replied,"! lace tiglitly simply to preveut waistfulness." ':,"o," said Talkinprton; "no, I uever go to church. Vrliat does it ainount to atyway? - sermón aud colleciions. 1 cao read boiter sermona at home, and as tor collpctions - why, man, l've colltctious without numbtT, both in pruffl and verse." "All, Mr. Shuttle, glad to sec you nt ■ iuo-c!av,' sa.i tiiedoacon. "Ex.il fccrmon on Hemd this afiernaun." "dplendid," replied Job. "How the bevereud did put in liis licks. I woqldn't have heen in llei'od's place for ö." Oíd Jones throw3 hia brokon píate and truck at Brown's hens when tiiey intitde on hie garden. JJrown góuerally remarks to his wife : "1 bought thoss lbwls for pure Game, out they scem to be Cocli-in (hina to-day." Broivn is ftn eveu-tempered youth. Au old lalj' wearing a pair of green goggles stepped on the Sacranieuto train at South Vaüejo and kaocked at the car Sto; and actually waited till at was opened on the inside by a passenger. For comummate politeucss this has no parallel. The other Sunday a bright little girl of three years attended service at an Episcopal church, where the rector was oue of her particular friends. She objected to her motlier making the responsos, siviüï : ''Don' t epen k mnra ma : don'tsay anything. Uncle John isn't, to you." Boyhood is oandid, and middlc ago, thongh it may think the samo thing, is retioent. "What part," a'kod a Sunday-school teacher, "of The Burial of Sir John Moore' do you like tho best?" He was thoughtful for moment, and then replied, '"Few and short were the prayers we eaid.'" Eider sister (to yonng lady inquiring for a situation) : "I think ron have been in my emjiloy bofore?" Y. L. : "Yes, ma'am; hut when Miss Helen was going to be married I thonght, as one of the family, I could best expresa my annoyance by leaving my situation for a short time." Little Willie (to Mr. Jones, who ie quite attentive to Willie's widowed mamma) : "Mr. Jones how did you come to have siich a bald head of hair?"' '31 r. Jone? (wlio is uot as dry as he looks, and lias been in the fur trade) : "Whv. Vvrillie, I neslectod it ono son, and the molas got into it." ''Oh, my love, my sweet, may heaveny8ïigels Whisper golden words as they kis3 your peaehy clieeksi" wrote a lover to hia sweetheart only six montlis ag-o; and now lie wishes the angels would wMsper to liim tiow his breach of proinise suit is liUely toend, and his lawyer l'rankly says he cannot teil. Some time back a lady and hevlittle daughter wave awaiting the commencemcnt of the performance ai a certain place of enturtaimpeut, when they were eonsiderably startled by an old gentleman behind tliem violen tly blowing lus nose. Grcat was the amusement of thoe sitting near on hearing Llo little girl exelaim, "Möocows, mamma - moo-cows." Ata small country toxrn tliere lately died a middle-aged man, leaving a widow ot' thirty-iivo. At the funeral tlie deacon of the vill.ige alludcd to the good qua litios of the deceased, and among others his yeiierosity. Jle aúd the deceased had leut him sorae money once. Upon which the weepii widow raised her head and inquired liow murh, and whetlior he had paid it back or not. "Whoso has not observed a schoolma'ain, a tritio p-ist her fullest bloom, rather spai-e uiit unscrupulousiy mm, enting a piece of bread and batter hl .-i picnic, luis nol geen all1 in lite worth Beeing. The wav she liolds a moreel between the extroraost tip ends of lier foreünger and tluimb, whiie the litilc digii stands out i'roin its cotnpnnions and pointe rigidly into space, is tlie very quintcssence of daintiuess. Lord Teighmouth relates that liis tutui'. the Uev. Mr. Jerram. was one day preachiug, when iie was disturbed ] by Buoriug. lic appealed more llian once lo me supposett sleejier, „rid at last peremptorily ntimateu 3SJktf, Jiulesa the gooü man or woinau to w'lio'm J attributed the jnteriuption were afrtín lle mut discouUime hi scriuou. "Bir," exclaimed a niiii ñoni a reinóte j}rt.tof thecliurch, ' "it's a liowlt" Kcpeiitanco : Teacher (wlio ís tring to ex)lniii the nieaiiiiig of repentanco) - "íMippose a bad boy were to s;"ul an onuige, and bis good mother gijon catch lihn witli it, and tabe liim by ulB ''and gently aud tcll him wickeu itis, and liow very, very grieved slie víiS4.un't 'ou 1Uili novv Uiat the líUie boy onght to feel sorry y Bunday scbolar-c; "Yessuro." Tcaclier- -And why, JVi.-jnadji ke?" Bundmy acholar - "líocause- J' ri-'(,'aclier - "BecauM what, Marmy?" SuuCSí acholar - "'Cause he baiu't et the or1 1 befo' his ma cotoh him and luok it away ÍVoiu liiin."