Wit And Humor

WIT AND HUMOR

• Recipe for making your own eye water: Stick your finger in it.
• He that pryeth into every cloud may be stricken with a thunderbolt.
• A feast of reason: The entertainment of an idea.
• Time out of mind: Forgetting to wind up your watch.
• The horse-shoe doesn’t bring good luck when the horse applies it.
• The person who retires with the sun must have a warm bedfellow.
• A man in Utah, who has only the legal number of wives, is spoken of as, “comparatively speaking, a bachelor.”
• "Sweet are the uses of university," said a girl when a senior asked her to go to a concert.
• "Quail on toast" was what he ordered. "Quail on trust" was what the innkeeper called it some months after.
• Maxim by an ancient maiden who always expected to find a burglar under her bed: "Look before you sleep."
• It is never too late to mend unless it will take a patch bigger than the garment.
• Apothecary: “You want this prescription filled, sir?”
  Patrick: “Divil a bit of it, sir! It’s the bottle I want filled!”
• A bright youth has discovered that the age of fifteen is “a trick with a hole in it," and he says, “the hole moves all over the box.”
• “The darky’s hour is just before the dawn,” remarked Sambo when he started out before daybreak to steal a young chicken for breakfast.
• Fancy stationer’s daughter: “Oh, ma! What a sweet valentine he has sent me? Wherever shall I keep it?”
  Mother: “Keep it? Nonsense! Put it in the winder!”
• A certain New York dry goods merchant, in want of a boy, lately displayed the following suggestive notice:
  "Boy wanted, that has fully rested himself, and is not too intellectual."
• While we remember the suffering poor of Ireland, let it not be forgotten that thousands of American freedmen have to fasten their suspenders with shingle nails.
• Two little girls were comparing progress in catechism study.
  First girl: “I have got to original sin.”
  Second girl: “Oh, I’m beyond redemption.”
• It is astonishing how full four women can fill a church pew made to accommodate six, when some woman they don’t like comes along down the aisle inquiring, looking for a place to sit.
• Mr. Smith, who has to lug a scuttle of coal upstairs three times a day, read with prospective joy the announcement that the coal fields of the world will be exhausted in two thousand years.
• In these days, when Mrs. Pork, Mrs. Yeast, and Mrs. Fusil Oil are fabricating and affixing mottos and escutcheons, what should prevent the Smith family from adopting “E Pluribus Unum”? — Puck.
• A son of the Emerald Isle, meeting a countryman whose face was not perfectly remembered, after saluting him most cordially, inquired his name.
  First man: "Walsh," said the gentleman.
  Second man: "Walsh—Walsh," responded Paddy, “are you from Dublin? I know two old maids there of that name. Was either of them your mother?”
• “John, we won’t have potatoes enough for dinner with so much company. What shall we do?”
  “Tell them we’ve lost our potato-masher, and the wife had to use her hands. They won’t ask for any,” said John.
• Sunflowers are to be worn at the belt this season, according to a fashion authority. This is what we have been waiting for; sunflowers have been worn so high in times past that it was impossible to pick them without a step-ladder.
• “There are seventeen and a half men to every female in the Territory of Dakota,” exclaimed an old spinster when she read the above item.
  “If girls knew what I know, they’d take the half man rather than none at all.”
• When old Mr. Higgensworth was asked if he took a newspaper, he replied that “since our member of Congress stopped sending me the Congressional Record, I don’t take any. I guess I can get along without it. It never gives me the news, anyhow.”
• Professor Peters has discovered another comet — Albany Journal.
  “Well, what good will it do him? He cannot trade it for a dog. He cannot ‘spout it’ for 25 cents. The fact is, the country has got all the comets it wants.” — Cincinnati Commercial.
• "Nothing happens but the unexpected," is the wise remark attributed to a French philosopher. We don’t think he is right. You always expect to be dunned for a big bill when you haven’t a cent to your name, and it always happens that way.
• Charles Lamb was in the habit of wearing a white cravat, and in consequence was sometimes taken for a clergyman. Once, at a dinner table, among a large number of guests, his white cravat caused such a mistake to be made, and he was called on to “say grace!”
  Lamb: “Is there no real clergyman present?”
  Host: “No sir.”
  Lamb: “Then,” bowing his head, “let us thank God.”
• Sicilian brigands recently carried away a son from his father, at Valle della Vita, promising to restore him on payment of 6,000 francs. The father gave information to the police, and by their activity, the brigands were discovered in a cave near Cal— as the place where the boy was to be found. The father and soldiers, on entering the cave, found the bones of the lad lying about, the flesh having been eaten away by dogs and vultures. The boy had been torn to pieces by the brigands as revenge for the supposed treachery of the father in giving information to the police.
• England paid $12,500,000 for foreign eggs in 1878.