Wit And Humor

"Why Ton't thcy linve au oxamlnatioii in color-blhiiliKiss fit West 1'niiit, - Philadelphia Built tin. Well, huw, t.lie question is, Will a West P.)i)it cadet lie, oí" tfon't he? It Ir ioiicnilly l'cared tliat be w - . - Hawkeye. The Uostoi) Commercial Bulletin nfin-iiis us tliat tli'iK iii'.;ol' Oilyina.r.rri un - G-eorge, oi' Grecoe - is visitiug Paris. A Príend - No, we aro not goin;' to Enrope this bu minor. O. ir congregatimi cannotafford it. Thora are tUroe men in jail at Ozark, Ark., uliarzed witli jnurder. The ninnrkablu tiling about this case is tliat Mie uien are ín jail. 80 nmiy of Lorillard's horses have been Bcmtched in Englantl tliat 011c is h':ul to ihink tliey have boen running tor office - JVew Orlcans Picayimc. A lino in a Welsh poen) re-ids : "Mi {rnnaf i ehwi gBnu arn ty rwytli Pete." Vre advise Pete tu do notliing of Uw kind. it would bü injiulicious. "Yes, ElfVida," gays the Hiwlceije, teart'ully, '-this is a world of trau'sitory tilines. Everytliiag ch-uie.s in tli is wurid, exoept the circus and Mary Auderson's age." The Chicago hotel-clerk looks at the papers hastily in the rnorniug, and not socing ftfty notico of' his soarfpin, believes that the dark horse will be the ca nd ida te. "I like hot weathor best," said a Philadelphia girl, "because it niakes pa and ma so sleepy tliat tliey don't coiné bothei'iug arouud the paiior Llio nights i have male eoinpimv." Census takers wcre paid by tlie number of ñames tliey collecteu, and several men tlecliued the ja.) in the town where Alvarado iSuon ompairni anl lligalniar Zuhrieskowatticaiyèra reside. Mark Twain, speaking of a ncy ïnosquito-iiettin-r, vvites : ''The day is cuining when Ve shall sit under our ncts in cluirch and slunibur peacefully while the disconaflted flies ciub together and take ie out of the minister." Barnum lias srorn his circus is worth only SJU,ÜUU, but even tliat is a good price. Vre've seen cii'cusses that were'nt worth two cents. "Besides, you must bear in mind that Barnum was lauoring under the exciteineiu oi' talking to a tax collector. The shooting-gallery men are doing a poor business. They might work np a little trade at tive cents a throw it they wuiiki put up a stuffbd cat 011 a practicable garden-wall and allow customers to turow boot-jacks at the offeiiuuig oiiject. "Philadelphia Is happy," saysPticifc, becausc "the eyes of Uit) World have boen on her for a week and slie has beaten iïuW York in haring a raiiro.id crasn." Dressing iu crash, and liaving the eyes oi tlie wurld on her wnile slie flirts. The dizzy jade. In a certain Irish cathcdral to this day aro shown three skulls, one liule oue and two bigonej;, whioii tne guide describes tu visitors as Uio skull oïSt. 1'atriek Whan he was a cliikl, the skull of Sc. Patrie k grown up, ani the skull ot'tit. Patrick as an old man. An excellent old deacon. who having won a fine turkey at a eharity orab-bag raflle, didu't like to teil hi.s severe orthoaox witb how he c:ane by it, quietly roranrkcd, as he handed over the fowl, that the ,tíhukers gave it to him. A gang of burglars were a bursjling at Long Isiaiul Mie otlicr day, and stolo a set ol Appletoiis' Cyclopedia. Tuis shows ih.it tnere is a conmieii:lable thiust for knowledg'O ainon tuis clasa of night workers that hos hitlierto been unsuspceled. Jso doubt tliese crucKouMrfM wuiic noin líoston. When an burilar isn't buralin.lie likes to He a basking in the suii, witli tlie Cyclopedia volumes liini encircling, to i-ead tlio books all ovei one by one. "John, how many timos have I toitl you always to eat bread vith your meat?" "Papá, how man y times have you lolil me ueVer todo tro Lhin-'S at a time?" A bunoh of American shinglos "vvhich was wushed on the island of Madttgoscai- was put to popular use. Twö hundrsd and flity obüdvon wcre aeeoimuodated. "There," said a cliarming lady, with a naive expression tliat Bidfi her face radiaut, poiutiug to au ebony case of chmaware, "tliat is my brick-bat cabinel." An old lady wïthsevéral nnmarried dauzhters foe.la tliein on lish diet, bedütuse it is rich in phosphorus, and pliosphoriK is the essenlial in matonea. "Is that a fiuim-nl?"' "Shure, sir, I'm thinking it i.s." "Anyuotlv of (listinetion?" "i reckon it is sir." "Vlio is il Ihat died?" "Ttie jinllcmau in the coffln, sir." Teacher: "Feminino of friar?"' First briylit boy : "llasji't any." Teacher: "Next." Öeeonl briglit 'boy; '-Nun." Teacher: "ïhat'a Pig+it," First bvigltt boy indignautiy cjaculates : ■'l'aat's just what 1 said." A young lady sent n poem entitlcd, 'I cannut Make Him iámile." to a newspaper. The editor ventures to expresa the opinión tliat she wou ld have sueceeded had she sent him the poem. "llow do yon likcmc now?" asked a bollo ot' hor spouse, as she sailetl iuto the room witii her long trata sweeping bohind her. "Weli," said he, "to teil Uie truth it is impossible í'or mo to like j'üu any lijiigor.'' Wliat siu-prisetl Noah more thau ftught else was that he i'ecoived 110 ajplicatiou for íVoo passes. And wlnit astonished ihe pubiio at'ter the llood wíis that tlio veleran navigator liever tried 10 get up a. coinpliiiiciiLary benoíit í'or liiniselí'. A stranger a churchyard and sooiiig a hearse standing hard by, iuquired wlio was dead. The soxton ïniornied liira. "What coinpiaim?" askcd the inquisitiva one. fciaid tlic old man, "Xliere is 110 complaint; everybody is satisfled." "All houses wherein men liavclived And .Lied are haunted houses." Thus Longfellow; but Mra. Tiiiiuoe says she would rather Mr. T. should haunt thti hoTiso a litüe beiore Jie die, it' it isir't askiug too much. A wcalthy iiiaiiiilacturer of Connecticut liaving built an elegant mansion, aiul wishing to talie a second wife, said to lus architect: "Whiuh agrees best with brick and brown stone, a brunette or a blonie?" The owncr of a pair of bright eyes says that the pretliest compliment she ever received carne írom a child of 4 ycars. The litüe fellow, af'tcr looking intently at her oyes a moment, inquircd naivuly, '-Are your eyes new ones?" When the census-taker, wishing to compliment, said to a citizen : "Ah, sir, you've a wife of a hundrcdl" tlie lady grabbed a rolling-pin and saüed In on bim, saying: "Vou villian, I told you 1 was only 25. Don't you daro to put it down as 100 !" Social ainenities. "Papa (to Mabel, vrho has been to a juvenil e party) - Did anyone pay you any atlentions. Mab? Mabel- I don't knovr. Papa : - I rncan, did anyone talk to you, or ■ dance with you? Mabol - Wc 11 thero ■yras a linie boy wüo made facQ atine.