Wit And Humor

The civil enginecr would like to bo monarch of all he surveys. People iniablo to express their feel ings can send thein by freight. An apple thrcvv the flrst man. Sinco then it has sorter let the business out to the banana A wajt got hold ofan editor's whisky bottle, and labelled it, "ïo be coatinued in our necks." It was the man arrcsted for stealins; i mirror who discovered that he had taken a glass too mach. The law can nover make a man honcst. It can only innko bina very uucomfortable when he's dislionest. Men make fortunes by atteivüng to their own business, because tliere aro so lew men engaged in that line. Kate Field asks : "Can a man get aloiitf without cliin?" üertainly replies au excliauge, if he has cheek enough. An old toper, in a discussion with a teinpei-ance lecturer, triuinphantly RRkcd : "If water rots your bonts, wiiat ellect must ït hare uu tüo co.its of yoiii' stoiuacli?" If yon grasp a rattlcsnnke firmly bout tlio neck, ho cauiiot strike you, saysa Western paper. To be perfectly safe it will be weil to let the uired man do tho grtwping. Wlien you soo i man take liis hat o(T to you it is a sign that iie respects you. Hut wiien"he is scon il i vesting liiinselt'ot' hU coat you oaii make up min i tliut hu iiueuds you sliaJ respect hinu 'I wisli I was worth a million dollars," ail a ;eiuluii;iii. "WTlut j;oil wouiil it lo you, lor you dou't spoud your pretest luoomoi" inquired n ii-ieiul. '-O;i, I couid be coouomical uu a large tóalo." A wcallhy ïnuiufacturcr of Connceticut., baviiis built au eloiut iiuusiou and wuliiug to taku a secón 1 wife, said to li3 arcliiiect, "Wliicii ayrees best witli brick an I browu stunt-, a brunette or a biou ie?" A ricli but pitrsiinonioaa ol.l gentleman, ou beif taken to tusk ux his liuuharitablouesa, said : "Truc, I dou't give niucli ; but il' you only kut;r Uow it hurts me wlieu 1 giro auythiujj, you wouldu't wouder." An awkwftrd fellow planted his fooi square upoua lady's train the otuer d:iy. "Oh, you great trainwrecker!" said the lady, anarily. - "Bog your pardon, striiet-iweoyurl" was thü arob reply. Thei-e is a youth who, eycrf timehe witin s tu ii'et alimpsu ot' hig gyroctheart, crie.s, "lnrel" directly uuder her vriuüovr, la the alarm of the iiioincnt she pluuges hor hcad out ot' the vviu .ow, and iiiiuircs lVVhere?" wheu he uoeticully himsell' on the Ijosoiii, aud cxciaiuw, iire, my Carulnia." A young couple Just marricd ai-e passing tiie lioitcymooii 111 a prutty vill;i. ''Tull me, my love," said she, "lliut you are not tired. 1 t'ear souiötiuiüs tii-il you rogref your bichelor lile." "Ou tiie oouunry, iny auol," liu replie.1, "J roerat it ao littlo tiiat it' you wure to diu 1 would aiarry aj;aiu l'iirUt awav." A pliysician, heavüy londed -with tuwu-iüls, í'or whioli he bad paid only ill part, liiistiijr urcscribcs a box ot' pilla tbr i patieut, un i allowed his iiinul U) wan me Uuok to liis real eslulo. 'iio patioitt asko t liovr iho pilla i1!1.! to bu l ikon. Tiie ilo;tor replieU : '■Oiiu-lliii'd üown, aud tlic i"est iu six un i twx'lve inoiillis, witu interest." The minister stopp&l at a liouse on tliu tíoiil i tii lo last vveuk, and stHiglit to improve tiie time by "iving an eigbt-year-olil boy u instructivo leson in moral i ty. %'My boy," siid tiie minister, "1 liave lived 45 years, and liavo never useit tobáceo in any iorm, nor tolil u lie, nor ultered an oath, nor playod tniant, nor - " "Ginmiiiiy crioivcis!" intorrupted tho lad, "ver ain't hal .iny fuu at all, have ye?" - Uil City Dernck. ,