Wit And Humor

A selioolboy. to cxp.iin the differcnce betwoeii'"iloíir" and "deer," said one was a bipod aud the otlier a quadrupod. A funeral procession, consistin? of fon or twelve carriagea and a liearae, blocksnp the road much to the disgust of a pedestrian, who looks at it gftvnaely, and says: "Ilnrry along. Can't I 'ever get through ?" '"Yes," returns n malicioua jehu, "if you want to take the iirst carriage." lu dizzy restaurant: A cnstomer is dissatisfiëd with the microscopio dimensión of a fish hall (wilh no bread) and makes a gveat kick. " Wherc's the proprietor? Sen I him herc," he deiiruids. The waiter with an ineffablo ''Oh, monsieur, the pvopriutor never eals here." An exchange savs : "Tlw Ponnsylvania Duteli rir8 inake good preserves, bnt it docsn't say how uiuch suRtn' yon take to a poimd of Duteli uirl, noi' iiow Ion-i yon let 'cm boil. TJio recciptfor préaoryin ■ Dutcli girla shotild be pubüslied. "Put 'em in de bag. A youth í-eñised to tako a pill. Ilis crafty mother thereupon placed the pill in a preservad poar and gave it to ííiin. Presently she aske l : "Tom, have yon oateu the pearP' He veplied : "Yes, mother- all but the seed." Many n failier's pvide is shooked, and many a mothora heart blee is a trlflo as their boy "up at grandpva writfla l.iia littlo scrawl home, í'Tliis is the bos pifie. I lik living hcar beitelthan to home," and tlicy inwardly vow ncv,-r 10 be liaren with tlie little tullow wlien lieeoines back. Mnke homc tlae"boss" place foryóur childi-eneye it they seeni to be "boas" ot'it. Mai'k Twainsaya tho only introduction toa litoraryaudienco that heevér hal that seem'ed to hiui ihe nglifc word in thoriht place- a real inspir,tion- was as follows : "Ladiesand gcutlouien, I shall iiot wasteany unneiessaïy time in the introduction. I don't know anytliiiy about this man; at least I only know Uto things aboüfr bin- uno is that he has never heen ni the peuitentiarjr, and tho otheris,! can't see why." It wha on a Sound boat, and tho mato was evideuilv annoyed abolí somethiug. "Carry it torward," ha hml. "Carry it torward, yon lunkheuied son o f a seulpii', or 1 hope to be gee whizaley gaul dustod to jude U 1 don't inaul tho dad slainnied head oflfu ve with a cipslan bar, you hugbackedmolligrubber, ye!" And I he tleck hand looke i up "' protgimd admiraüon, and said : "By Geoi-e cap, it' i liad your culchur 1 woukln't be i ruiiniii' íis mate torno man iu thescr waU'i-s ; i'd be a commauiin' a boat of niy own." X was ftill asa goit the other niglit ■vvhen he lelt the club to find bis uay" to the fair ereature who calis him hei "protector." As he rollnd rutlier carelessly ftlou the Bldowalk lie aixideutally dropped bis cañe. "Tiie dcvil take it," lie inutteral as lie atraightened back after an attcmpt to pick it un which uoarly resulted in throwitig him on las tace. Two or three moro such attempts followed. an t then A, atidressing the eme Lu a toe oí deeif dia-uat,8HÍd,"It] pi. you up, I wül fel í! and yon woul.iu't pick me up.' Ana he ruled on leavilijf tlw caiie where it fiíll. "My friend," bean a serious individual who unlled in at a provisión' tlealors the other day, -will you give me a lew minutes to talk iiboui your íuturc"- "Futures! no, biast your futuresl 1'm Btuck !g;3.uOü with thoblankett thiojïs. l'm doing uothin but a spot business nov,aud blanked little ot ihat. Theie's Cluu-ley S. ti Btairs, he'il talk futuro' with yon IVoni J u I y toeternuy- .ood lutt-niiig -and the polk man rusl.e I wtt, Icavinu- the good clcivyniun, who was incuici-ienced in tlie slanj; of ihe trade,. speechless with astonishment, and heBaved up his remarks oa tüe EuUU i'or afuture opportunity.