Zeb White's Tales

HE IS UNEXPECTEDLY ELECTED TO THE TENNESSEE LEGISLATURE. 

Leaves His Home to Attend a Session at the Statehouse-Takes His Wife With Him and Has a Queer Experience-Why He Resigned.

[Copyright 1902, by C.B. Lewis]

"It was ten or twelve y'ars ago" began the old possum hunter of Tennessee "when our member of the legislature turned ag'in moonshine whisky.

"That meant that somebody else must be 'lected in his place, and what did the pesky people around yere do but come to me and want me to stand! They come to my cabin a dozen at a time, and they shook hands and called me an honest man and all thatm and the mo' I hung back the mo' they wanted me to run. When they got me into a tight co'ner, I says:

"I can't skassly read, and I cant skassly write, and I can't git up befo' that legislachur and speak ten words, and what good could I do down to Nashville? Besides, I hain't got no good clothes, and thar wouldn't be nobody to talk about b'ars and wildcats with me, and I'd be as lonesome as a sick coon in a holler tree. Then thar's the old woman. If she went along with me, they'd make fun of her, and if she stayed yere she'd be all alone. I'm fur moonshine whisky, as yo' all know, but I can't take no office.'

"They purtended to give in at that, but what did the critters do but put me up to be voted fur when the time come, and the fust thing I knowed I was 'lected by 400 majority! When I heard the news, I told it to the old woman and said:

" 'Waal, what am I gwine to do about it? I've either got to hunt fur a cave and hole myself up or go down to Nashville.'

" 'And what'll yo' do?'

" 'I'll go with yo'. I've bin thinkin' this thing over, Zeb. Thar is sich a thing as Providence, and Providence appears to have picked yo' out to go down to Nashville and keep them critters from incouragin' the revnoo ag'in moonshine whisky. I don't know how yo' ar' gwine to do it, but as Providence has helped yo' out when yo' was tackled by b'ars and wildcats and roarin' bulls it will help yo' out now. When we once git down thar, Providence will p'int the way and we will foller'

"I felt purty skeery about it" said Zeb "but the old woman talked so bold that I made up my mind to give it a try. Heaps of critters come around and incouraged me and offered to lend me money, but I didn't borrow a dollar. Coons and possums was plentiful that fall, and I sold 'nuff pelts to pay our railroad fare down to Nashville. We didn't hev very good clothes, but when I spoke to the old woman about it she said:

" 'Zeb, we ar' jest poor and honest people. We ain't gwine down to Nashville to swell around, but to be very humble and to do the best we kin.We'll jest put on our Sunday clothes and let it go at that. If anybody don't like our looks, they kin look the t'other way.'

"Waal, we started off one day and got aboard of the railroad kyars. I was a leetle narvous, and the old woman braced her feet and hung on with her hands, but we got along without any calamity. In about an hour, when she dared to open her eyes and draw her breath, she says to me:

" 'Zeb, how many houses hev yo' seen since we left home?'

" 'More'n a hundred,' says I.

" 'And how many people?'

" 'More'n a thousand.'

" 'Shoo! Then we must hev got clear around the world and back home ag'in.'

"When we got down to Nashville, thar was so many people and so many houses and such a movin' around that I got the old woman behind me and prepared to fight to the death, but not a critter laid hands on us. Some of 'em laughed at my cowhide boots and some of 'em grinned at the old woman's poke bonnet, but everything was good natured. We went to a tavern to get board, and when the old woman sees the carpets on the floors, the stuft cheers standin' around and the lookin' glasses as big as a tablecloth she turns pale and puts her arms around me and says:

" 'Zeb, I kin now see why thar ar' so many sinners in this world. If a critter kin hev all these things, he don't keer a pesky drat about gwine to heaven. I'm afeared we'll be bad 'nuff to steal hawgs in a week."

"Thar was a good deal of winkin' and smilin' around that tavern," said Zeb, "and I was skeart and mad and narvous all the time, but I hung on and said words to brace the old woman up. At the end of three days the legislachur opened, and I had to go up to the statehouse. Lordy, stranger, but I'd rather tackled three old b'ars to once. I had gooseflesh as I struck that crowd, and the old woman wasn't around to incourage me. I went into the statehouse with the crowd, and I'd just found a seat when a feller comes around and says:

" 'Excuse me, but ain't that a rifle yo've got thar?"

" 'She be' says I. 'It's a rifle which has killed mo' b'ars and wildcats than yo' could count in an hour, and she's still ready fur the next varmint.'

" 'But yo' can't bring no deadly weepings in yere,' he goes on. 'This ain't no jumpin' match nor hoss race, but the legislachur of Tennessee.'

"I told him I knowed whar I was, but that I should keep tight holt of that rifle till I knowed I was out of the woods, and he goes away growlin' to hisself. Mebbe it was half an hour arter that when a feller stands up on a platform and looks at me and says:

" 'Does the honorable member from Beaver Cover expect to find any b'ars on the flooh of this house?'

" 'I ain't sayin' as I do' I answers, 'but if thar is a riot over moonshine whisky I might want sunthin better than a club.'

"With that they all laughs and begins to pick on me. One asks if I brung my dorg along, another moves that I git up and tell a b'ar story, a third wants a pattern of my coonskin cap, and so it goes for ten minits. Bimeby that same feller stood up ag'in and says, as slick as yo' please:

" 'Mebbe the honorable member from Beaver Cove would like to be excused for half an hour while he takes his gun home?'

" 'Do any critter yere want to pick a fuss with Zeb White?' says I as I stands up.

"Everybody laughs and claps his hands, but no one comes nigh me, and I puts on my cap, shoulders my rifle and says as I walks out:

" 'It's an onery crowd, and thar ain't a man among yo' who kin pull a rabbit out of a holler log.'

"I went straight to the tavern, and thar I found the old woman shiverin' and shakin fur her life.

" 'What's the matter?' says I.

" 'They've put pillercases trimmed with lace on our bed' says she, 'and the gorgeousness of it will bring on heart disease. Zeb, fur the Lawd's sake, let's go back home!'

" 'But I'm yere to watch moonshine,' says I.

" 'Never mind moonshine nur nuthin' else on the face of this airth, but let's be a-gittin'. This world ain't fur us, Zeb. We is like two lost children wanderin' through the woods and expectin' to be eat up any minit, and I'm so skeart and flustrated that I shan't live two days longer. Zeb, if yo' love me, come home.'

" 'I'll do it' says I, and she got on her poke, packed our carpetbag, and we was out of that town of Nashville befo' sundown, never to go back."

M. QUAD