Honest Abe, U. S. M.

HONEST ABE, U.S.M.

The Rural Mail Carrier on His Daily Trip.

Makes a Short Stop at Widow Patterson's and Hears of an Elopement. Ben Johnson seeks Advice Concerning a Tombstone.

[Copyright, 1902, by C.B. Lewis]

EVERYBODY along the Three Mile road knows Farmer Patterson to be an obstinate man and one bound to hare his own way about things. He is a widower with three daughters, all old enough to be married and all having sweethearts. As they were high spirited girls, I figured that Uncle Mose might have trouble on his hands, and when I drove up to his gate the other day I realized that he wasn't happy. He began jumping up and down and swearing as soon as he saw me, and it was ten minutes before I could get at what ailed him. He finally quieted down a little and said: "Abe, it's them gals of mine, an' I can't stand still." "What's happened to the girls?" "One day last week Sue comes to me out in the orchard lookin' as humble as a cat an' says: " 'Daddy, Joe Fowler has asked me to be his wife.' " 'But you won't be,' says I. " 'For why?' says she. " 'Because I don't like the shape of his nose. It's got a bump in the middle, an' I won't have it in our straight nosed family.' "She hums a tune to herself an' walks off without another word, an' then comes Kate. " 'What do you want?' says I. " 'I want to marry Jim Green,' she says. " 'But I forbid you to.' '"For why?' " 'Because he's got yaller front teeth, an' I won't have no such teeth eatin' fried pork over my table.' "Kate whistles to herself an' goes off, an' up comes Maggie an' says: " 'Dad, I'm goin' away soon.' " 'Where to?' " 'To Stimpson's Corners. Will Stimpson has asked me to marry him, an' I've said yes.' " 'Then you'll be disappointed.' " 'For why?' " 'Because he's got a cock eye, an' this is no cock eyed family. If you three girls don't simmer down an' stop your nonsense, I'll cut a peach tree sprout an' give you all a lickin'.' "That's what I said, Abe," continued Uncle Mose as he grabbed at his hat and slapped it against the fence, "an' everybody knows I'm a man of my word. Them gals was as quiet as mice till yesterday afternoon, when I went down cellar to clean up a little. I hadn't got to work before the door was locked on me, an' when I yelled to know what was up they calls out altogether: " 'Goodby, dad! We can't stay here no longer!' " "What did they mean by that?" I asked. "Why, durn my hide, they meant they was goin' off to git married! Yes, Abe, them three fellers drove up in three buggies, an' them gals left me locked up an' rode away with 'em, an' I never got out of the cellar till this mornin'. They went off bag an' baggage, an' they are married by this time, an'- an' " -

   And Uncle Mose was so mad that he lay down and rolled over the grass and got up and tra mpled down a bed of pink hollyhocks. I knew I could say nothing to him, and so I quietly drove away. There was one more incident before I finished the day's drive. Farmer Ben Johnson, who lost his wife a year ago by being gored to death by a bull, was out in the front yard talking with a tombstone man as I drove up. They were having a spirited argument, and Farmer. Ben turns to me and says: "Abe, you are the United States, the American eagle, the star spangled banner an' the Goddess of Liberty all rolled together, an' you ought to know everything. You know I'm a widower, don't you?" "Yes." "Been a widower for eleven months, but expect to be married in two weeks. I'm feelin' it my duty to buy a tombstone for my wife's grave." "That's correct." "She was a good woman an' a hard worker." "I've heard so." "Always up early in the mornin' an' never goin' to bed till her work was done." "Yes." "Made more carpet rags an' soft soap than any other woman in the country." "I guess that's so." ''But it was her fault. Abe- her own fault- that she got in the way of that bull an' met her death. The funeral cost me $50, an' I've had to hire a woman to run the house, an', taken all together, I'm thinkin' if I pay $10 for a zinc gravestone for her it'a plenty enough." "I think he ought to take marble at $30," says the tombstone man. "Zinc at $10," says Farmer Johnson. "What d'you say, Abe?" "You remember her with affection, don't you?" "I do." "And you left the bars down for the bull to get out ?" "I did." "Then make it artificial stone for $15." "Hanged if I don't!" says he, and he was closing the bargain when I drove away.

M.Quad