Bob Burdett's Best

Rob Burdette visited Lebanon, Ind., and on his return this happened to hiui : On the road once more, with Liebanon fading in the distance, the fat passenger drumming idly on the windcw-pane, the cross passenger sound asleep, and the tall, thin passenger reading "General Grant's Tour Around the World," and wondering why "Gieen's August Flower," should te printed above the door of "A Buddist temple at Benares." To me comes the brakeman, and seating himself on the arm of the seat, says : "I went to church yesterday." Tes," I said, with that interested inflection that asks for more. "And uliich church dld you attend ?" ""Whieh do you guess?" he asked. "Some union mission church ?" I hazardedi. "Now," he said, "I. don't ïike to run on those branch roads very much. I don't often go to church, and when I do, I want to run on the main line, wliere your run is regular and you go on schedule time, and don'fc have to Tait on a branch. Good enough, but. I don'b Hke itt." ■Episcopal?" I guessed. 'Limited expresa," he said, "all palace cars, and $2 extra íor a seat ; tast time and only stop at big slatioiis. Nice line, but too exhaustive íor a brakeman. All train men in uniform, conduetor's punch and lantern silver-plated, and 110 train boys alle-tred. Then the passengers are aliowed to talk back to tlie ;onducTcr ; and it makes them too íree and easy. No, I couldn't stand the palacii carS. Ricli roads enough. Don"t citer, hear of a receiver being nppolnte.fl tor that line. Some mighty nice people travel in it, too." i Universalist," I suggested. "Broad gauge," said the brakeman; "Ocei. too much complimentary busiesis. Everybody travels on a pass. Conductor doesn't get a fare once in íifty miles. Stops at all üag stations, and won't run into a unión depot Ko smoking cars on the train. Train orders are vague though, and the trainmen don't get along well ■w ith the passengers. No, I don't go to the Universalists, though I now some awful good men who run on that road." ! ' Presbyterian ?" I asked. ■iNarrow gauge, eh ?" said the brakeman, "pretty track, straight as a rule ; tunnel riglit through a mountain rather than go around it ; spiiit-level grade ; passengers have t o sLow their tickets before they get on train, mighty strict road, but the cara are a litt-le too narrow ; iiae tij sil on a seat and no room ín the aisle to dance. Then there are no stcp-over tickets allowed ; got to go straight through to the station you are ticketed for, or you can'fo get on at all. "When the car's full no extra coaches ; cars built at the shops to hold Just so many and nobody else allowed on, but you don't often hear of au accident on that road. It's run right up to the rules." "'Maybe you joined the Free Xhinkers ?" I said. "Scrub road," said the brakeman ; ' dirt road-bed, and no ballast ; no time card and no train dispatcher. Al! trains run wild and every englncer makes his own time, just as he picases. Smoke if you want to ; kind of goas-you-please road. Too many side tracks and every switch ■ido open all the time, with the switchman sound asleep, and the target 'lamp out. Get on as you please and get ofi when you want to. Don't have to show your tickets, and the conductor is not expected to do auything but amuse the passengers. No Kir, I was offered a pass, "out I don't like the line. I don'ta travel on a road that has no terminus. Do you know, sir, I asked a división superintendent "where the road nin to. and he said he hopedt to die if he knew. I asked him if thei general superintendent could teil me, and he said he dldn't believe they had a genera! superintendent, and if they had ho didn't know any more about the road than the passengers did. I ed him who he reported to' and lie sairt "nobody." I asked a conductor who he got orders from and he didn't take orders from any living man or dead ghost. And when I as-Led the engineer where he gob his 01 ders irom, he said he'd like to see anybody give him orders, he'd run tliat train to suit himself or lie'd run it In the dltch. Now, you see, I'm a railroad man, and don't care to run on a road that has no time, makes no connections, runs nowhere, and has no superintendent. It may be al) rlght, but I have rallroaded too long to understand it." Did you try the Methodist?" I said. , 0 '■Kow you're shouting," he said, witli some enthuslasm. ''Nice road eli ? Fast time and plenty of paBstiDgers. Englnes carry a power of stcam, and don't you forget it ; stram gauge shows a hundred and onough a'! the time. Llveïy road ; when the conductor shouts 'all aboard' you cau hear him to the next station. Every train lamp shines like a headliírht. Stop-over checks given on all thiough tickets; passenger can drop off the train as often as he 'ikes, do the station two or three days, and hop on the next revival train that comes thundering along. Oood, wlio'e eouled, eompanionab'e conducto.-s ; ain't a road in the country v.here the passengers feel more at home. No passes ; every passenger puy.s íull traffic rates for his ticket. TVesleyanhouse air-brake on all trains, too ; pretty safe road, but I didn't rido over it yesterday." "Maybe you went to the CoDgregeiional church ?" 1 said'. ' Popular road," said the brakeni;m, "an oíd road too, one of Ihe Oest 11 the country. Good roadbed and confortable cars. "Well managed too; directors don't interfere with .liviion superintendente and train orders. Ioad"s mijrhty popular, but it's ty independent, toó. See, Jidn't one oi the superintendents down cast discontinue one oí the oldest stations on this line, two or three years ago ? Eut It is a mighty pleasant road to tra vel on. Always has a pleasant class of passengers." "Perhaps you tried the Baptist ?" I guessed once more. Ha, ha," said the brakeman, ''she is a daisy, isn't she ? riverroad; brond, 'beautiful curves, sweeps around anything to keep close lo the river, but it's all steel rail and rock ballast, track all the "ivay and not a Bidé track írom the round jiouse to the terminus. Takes a heap oí water to run it, though ; doublé tanks at every station, and there isn't an enginc in the shops tfaat can pull a pound or run a mile in less than two gouges. But it runs through a beautiiu! country ; these river roads alwayti lo ; river on one side and hills on -the olher, and it's a steady climb up grade all the way ti'l the run endu w here the fountain head of the river begins. Yes, sir, I'U take the river lOatl every time for a lovely trip. snre couections and good time ;ind no prairie lust blowing in at the winde is. And yesterday, when the r.ondiictor carne around íor the tickets v;t h a little basket punch, I didn't üsk him to pass me, butl I pald my ïaie Hke a little man - twenty-iire cc-ntK for an hour's run and a ittle concert by the passengers thrown in. teil you, Pilgrlm, take tlie river rcacl when you want - " F.ul just here the long whistle ürom tlie engine announced the station, and tla' brakeman rushed to the door gLcuting : 'Zionsville ! This train xnakes no stop.) between here and Indianapoli.s !' Robert J. Burtlette, the autlior of the above, will appear in the Y. M. C. A. Lyceum Oourse - in which J. M. Barkley lectures at the Presbyterian church next Tuesday evening, Nov. 26.