A Humorous View

The following was written for the Toledo Blade in 1878 by Petroleum V. Nasby : Confedérate X Roads (which is in the state of Kentucky), Jan. 22, 1878.- I ain't so certin that I want the silver bill to pass ez I was. The fact is, the thing don't work ez I sposed it wood, and I ain't clear onto it. There is suttle principies in these flnanshel questions wich requires a great deel uv thought, and there is underlying principies which a man has got to understand afore he is competent to set hisself up ezauthority. One thing I'm certin uv, Bascom ain't no finanseer, nor never will be, and I told him so. "Wat is a finanseer?" asked he. "A finanseer," sed I, assooming the look of Dan'l Webster, "is a man wich kin pay bis debts with nothin - a man wich kin git suthin with nothin." "The Corners, then, is full of finanseers," he remarkt, bitterly, casting a casual glance at his slate, which wuz jist full enuff to turn over and begin on tother side. But he hezn't any uv the sience uv it. I wuz argooing with him the other day in favor uv my noshun uv a leather currency, though I told him silver wuz much the same thing, and, for example I would assoom tb at silver wuz to be the currency uv of the fucber. "Now, don't yoo see, Bascom, that ef I hed twict ez much money, I coold drink twict ez much whisky and pay for it?" "how mdcb is twice nothin'?" wuz the unfeelin' answer uv the tyrant who bolds the destinies of the Corners in his hands. "That's wot yoor capitle hez bin ever since I knowd you." "Parson," sed he, "I don't see what earthly difference it'a goin' to make whether silver is currency or anything else. How are yoo goin' to git silver ef it is made legal tender? Ef silver wuz ez plenty ez bricks, w'at hev you got to get any uv it with?" "Troo, G. W.," wuz my answer; "but can't yoo see that to hev silver wood relieve the dettor class ? Even, now afore it is legal tender, it's only wurth 92 cents on the dollar, and when the country e floodid with it, it will go still lower. Then we - or rather sich uv us ez hev property to raise money on - kin pay off - " "Eggsactly so," retorts Bascom ; "you kin pay me for the good honist likker uv mine, wich you hev consumed, in coin, which is less than the dollar yoo promised. All rite. But look here - come in here, all uv yoo. I want yoo silver men to kuow exactly w'at yoo are rushin' ixto." And this feend led us iuto the back room- that back room wich contanes the subsistence uv the Corners. There, in long rows, wuz Bascom's stock There, in barrils, piled one on top uv another, wuz the delishus whisky uv Louisville, uv different ages, rangin' Erom that uv two weeks old to that which hed jest left the still and was scarcely cold yit. There it lay, and ez my eye ranged affeckshunately over it I feit ef I could hev the drinkin' of all that likker I wood be content to lay down and die when the last drop wuz gone. Bascom pinted to the immense tank wich he had erected within a few days, with a pipe runnin' in from the roof. "I shan't raise the price of likker in consekence of being paid for it in depreshiated currency," sed he. I feil on Bascom's neck, in an exstacy uv delite, while the others shonted, "rah for Bascom." "G. W.," I remarked, while teers suflbosed iny eyes, "I never placed you much below the angels, but this generous act has histed you a liundred per cent in my estimashun. Bless you, G. W., bless you." "But 111 teil yoo w'at I shell do. Do you see that tank?'" said he. "May I ask w'at that is for?" I sed. "That thank WILL BE FILL WITH KAXE WATER," sed he. "The moment yoo git to payin' me in silver, I shell take out uv each uv hem barrils jist eggsackly three and one-fifth gallons uv likker, and fill it vitli water." "Merciful hevings," we all exclaimed, 'and poor likker so weak now !" "And wlien silver gits down to 75 cents on the dollar, I shel take out '2ö er cent uv whisky and fill her up w:ith 25 per cent of water. And so on down. Sf silver goes up I shel add whisky (,'ggsackly in proporshen. In short, my whisky is jist agoin' to foller currency and nothin' shorter. Yoo fellers wieh work for wages may swet, but I won't." "But yoo'l increase the size of yoor glasses?" sed I. "Not eny. But you may dnnk twice ez many times to git the same amount uv drink es before, by payin' for each drink." Aud Bascom stalked hawtily back and took his posishen behind his bar. Ther wuz consternashun in the Corners sich ez I hev never seeu. Ther wuz a hurried eonsultashun at the Deekin's house and I sejested that we emancípate ourselves irom the dominyun uv this tyrant by startin' a grosery uv our own on the joint stock principie, which wuz agreed to, each man agreein' to contribbit $10 to the capital stock, which wood '' be eritiff tö buy a bar'I or two, for a beginnin. We wnz entlioosiastic till we come' to ballotin' for the man to keep the place, when it. wuz fonnil iastid uv my bein' chosen, yoonanimously, es I eggspected to be, thitt every njan hed, votid for hisself. Ez not u spul uv them would rect'de, the skeein wuz blocked rite there, and finally bed to be abandoned and we went back to Bascom's and submittid. That tryant hez us. Uv course we can't stand likker diloottid in that marnier. We are willin' enuff to diloot the currency with wbich to pay for likker, but we want our likkr full strength. We coodent help it, but that nite we signed and sent to our representative a remonstrance agin' the silver bill. The Corners is now for a honest currency. Wood, O wood, that we hed some uv it. Petroleum V. Nasby, Finanseer. In one respect there is a similarity in the perdictions of both Mr. Bryan and Mr. McKinley - tliat is so far as the results their respective parties hope to accomplish are concerned : Mr. Bryan tells us tliat free silver will raise the price of farm produce. Mr. McKinley says tliat protection will raise the price of farm produce. Thus we see no matter which ticket is elected, the Iaboring man is stared in the face by the proposition that he must pay a higher price for the producís he uses. ín such a dilemma, which horn will he grasp? - Dexter Leader. With this difierence. Protection gave the farmer a market for his produce- tliat has been tried and found to be true It gave him a market by giving the laborer employment, so that he coul buy. Free silver will not raise the price of any thing on earth. It will simply cut the valué one has to buy with in two. The farmer will receive no more for his wheat than he does now, but the laborer will have the dollar that he is paid off in reduced in value about one-half, so that he cannot buy as much as he does to-day. Congress can change the name of the foot stick and have it called a yard stick, but it will still remain the length that it was by its first name. Congress can stam]) "one dollar," on a piece of silver, and by haying a suffieient amount of gold to redeem it in, float a great many of them and the people will have confidence and receive them at the face value. But it cannot stamp an unlimited quantity of them and maintain their value. Consequently unlimited coinage means a cheap dollar. It not only means a cheap dollar, it means a debased currency. Protection meaos better prices b' furnisliing work to idle men, and putting them into a position where tliov can buy the farmers products. The great demand will increase prices, and they can-be increased in no other way under heavens. "It is better to open up our factories and milis to the labor of the American workingman then it is to open up the mints of the United States to the silver of the world." Xo greater truth was ever uttered.