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A Ballad With A Moral

A Ballad With A Moral image
Parent Issue
Day
6
Month
October
Year
1887
Copyright
Public Domain
OCR Text

The nero of this touching tale of amatory woe Is- teil him not I told it you, or surely blood Will flOW - Philander Jones, of- never mind, ril cali it Timbuctoo, To give you his correct addrO9s would never, never Uo. A year ago- it must be that- I'll say so, anyhow, P. Jones was not the awful size that P. Jones is just now. So far irom weighlng twenty stone, he turned tho scale at flve, And people called him thereabouts the thlnnest man ulive. A year ago a change carne oer the spirit of bil life. It came. of coursc. with womankind, the primal cause of strif e ; A single man till then he'd been, both happy and content, A woman came upon the scène, and then hl quiet went And such a one, a widow dame of most terrlfio size, With chubby cheeks, and yellow hair, and little piggy eyes. He feil □ love, did poor P. Jones, he lost hls tender heart, A victim to the piggy eyes of Clementin Smart. Anón, P. Jones declaed his love; her answer you may guess, The usual blush, a little slgh, a shiver and a "Y-ee-9." They billed and cooed awhile and then discussed their future plans, And ended in the usual way by putting up the bao 113. When people heard the startling news, they thought lt very bum That one so fat and one so thln to such a state should come. The thing. they said, was scandalous, lt was too shocking quite. Affection so misplaced as that was very far íroni right. Now when the unsuspectlng pair got wind of what was said, lt so upset the Widow Smart she vowed she wouldn't wed Unless P. Jones would undertake to fatten up a bit, And do hls best to make himself ia point of eize more fit. But P. Jones, who feil in with thls, not whishing to demur, Said he considered quite as rauch was due to him f rom her; If she would meet him just half way, he wouldn't kick at that, He thought she'd be more comfortable with half her share of fat. She pondered it within her mind, and finally agreed To sacraflce one-half her fat to meet the present need. That settled it, and from that hour they boldly waded in, He tried nis bestto gat more fat and she to get mor. thin. He fed himself on cattlefood and ate the fattest meat, He took no exercise at all, did nothing else but eat, While she- she walked about all day and climbed the highest hills, Half-starved herself, took "anti-fat" nd divers kind of pilla. At last, oh, day of looked-for Joy ; these maaures bore their fruits ; F. Jones besan a swelllng out head downwarda to his boots And Widow Smart, with rapture, nw beheld her stoutness flee, Until no woman thereabout was thinner built than she. When P. Jones reacbed a certain point ho deemed itwise to stay; He did not want to go beyond the self-agreed half-way. The same, of course, wtth Widow Smart; hir object was attained, The way was olear, the bar removed and nothing else remained. Forthwith he dropped his fattening iood and rested from his greed, Forthwith' she dropped her exeroise and took her wonted feed. But horror! ne'er a bit hestopped, but stouter grew each day. And she, alas 1 do what she would, tbe mors sho shrunk away. Affairs had now grown desperate, the features were reversed, In point of faot they found themselves as bad off as at flrst; The only diflerence he was iat who used to bo so lean. And she who used to be so broad was every bit as keen. What could they dof What did they dot Ab.1 reader, if I lmew, I don't, and so it's very plain, I can't enllghten you. tet's leave thnm in their sorry plight- tho moral precty olear: Don't try on tricks with Nature, for it's sur to oost you dear.

Article

Subjects
Old News
Ann Arbor Register