New Year's Day

HE soene ís in Austin, Tex., and in the sitting-room of the mansion oí Colonel Percy Yerger. An ímpression prevails in the Northern States that the climate in Texas is almost tropical. So it is, in hot woather; but in the fall oí the year.when the Texas northcr, a yonng brother of the Kansas biizzard, vails, it is colder in Texas than "adog's nose in Jinewerry," to borrow one of Opie Keaö's colored aphorisms. Colonel Perey Yerger was seated near the lire nursing his lower limbs, whioh, owing to an attack of rheumatism, abounded in almost as many curves as a pretzel. He was in a bad humor. Mrs. Yerger was sitting near the window sevving. She was in a somewhat sentimental mood. Johnny, their eldest son, a student at the University of Texas, and a vcry prmising youth, was engaged in tlio manufacture of a composition on " New Year's Day." Mrs. Yerger sighed heavily. " Whai's the matter!" growled Colonel Yergev, "have you got the rheumatism, too?" " No, I was just thinking that a new year is soon to davvn upon tliis earth." " It is, eh? Well, I am glad to hear that it is a new year that is going to dawn. If 1 thought the same oíd year we have been having was going to dawn, I'd tako to the woods." The idea of Colonel Yerger taking to the woods with his legs in their present inflamed condition caused Johnny to smoker. " I think you have a great deal to be grateful for," replied Mrs. Yerger, peusively. " Yes, I suppose I ought to be grateful for the boils I had last spring." " You managed to pull through. I noticed they didn't affect your appetite." "Yes, I pulled through until .summer, When your mother paid us that three months' visit. 1 &urvivod that, and now I've got the rheumatism. But I am glad I've got your word for ït that a ruw year is goin? to dawn, for if it was the old one, I'd want to travel." Once moro Johnny snickered at tho idea of the old man traveling. " What are you grinning about? TVTiat are you doing, anyhovti" snarled Colonel Yerger, who was in one of his most irritable moods. " Writing a composition on Xew Year s, replied Johnny. " Let' s hear what you havo got written." Johnny (reading)- "The celebration of the first day of the year dates back f rom the highest antiquity. The ancient Israelites celebrated the first day of the year witu splendid festivities, regarding it as the birthday of Adam, the father of the whole human race." " Humph," sneered Colonel Yerger, "you might add that Adam was the only man who ever had his wife made to order." " Made to order him about," interrupted Johnny. " Your amendment is adopted, Johnny. He was the flrst one, but not the last one, who had his wife order him about." "You poor men," replied Mre. Yerger, looking up f rom her sevviug, "you are always laying the blame for all the miseries of the male sex on Eve. It was Adam who was tempted by Eve, but if my reading of the Bible is correct, it was Sutan who flrst tempted Eve, and Satan was a male; so all the human iils originated with the male sex after all." "Maybe so," replied Colonel Yerger, squirming a little at this home thrust, ''but if Eve had only mherited half the dissimulation of somo of her daughters she would have made an ignominious ass of his snakeship. Read on, Johnny." "You ought to say something in your composition, JohnDy, about men making cood resolutions and turning over new leaves. You might say, Johnny, that now is the time that leaves begin to turn, but that after a few weeks seeond-hand swear offs can be bought at tho ncarest saloon for- -Colonel Yerger, what do you pay for a schooner of beer?" said Mrs. Yerger, with a silvery laugh. "You needn't try to get off any flabby sarcasm beeause I swore off and then went back on it. ïhere are about four miUion women who start diarie9 on the lirst of every January, and by the Fourth of July there isn't one of them running on sohedule time. How is your diary coming on, Mrs. i Yerger? "It didn't play out as soon as the fresco I on your good resolutions wore oft. Your Bwearing ofl is soon wearinf? oft. Never you mind. I am going to make some new good resolutious this New Year's." " Whafs the matter with the old set you made last year. They are about as good as i new, I should think." Jolinny (reading)- "Taking a retrospective glauco at the var Uiat is past and gon wo find that vo have done ni.iny Ihinjn we shouid not have doue" - "Johnny," intenrapted Hrs. YergerJ "You had botter stop reading your eompoBition, it disturbs your pa." „ Sarah," said Colonel Yerger, " here is tho twent.j--flvo dollars you wantrd to buy you that (linter hat you werc talkin , ubout, only don't say any thing moro ubout good resolutions," This ended tho joint discussion in the Yerger tamil; about New Year's. The two prominent features of thf ceWbration of New Yoar's Day, leaving the feasting out of the question, are swearing off and making calis. The New Year's good resolutio, although it is broken often and early, has sonicthing of man's better nature about it. Even the mero attempt io give up a bad habit is a step forward and upward. The good resolution, like the squalling child in the theater, shouid be carried out, but very frequently this is not done. Thcre is a great variety of small vices which men vow to commit no more. Profanity is one of them, but the result ia usually described by an unidentified poet as follows: Now men w 1 swear they wlll not swear- Their habits wearing off: As time woars on, they still swear on, And thon swear off on swearing o ft. A Texas editor made a solemn vow oc New Year's Day not to touch mtoxicathig fluid during the year, but he also made a eimultaneous vow that the rules might be suspended under certain contingencies. 1. When complimentary bottles of wine, etc, were sent to the office. 2. When laboring under a sense of discouragemeut. 3. When a now name is sdded to the subscription list. 4. When hc folt that ho aelually noeded sometbing. 5. On any special occasion. Howover, to offset this apparont rclaxation oí the rules, he also mado a vow not to taste a drop under any circumstances whatever during the year that has just gone, or during any previous year sinca Adam was created. The habit of promiscuous ealling while in a partially inebriated condition, which ha9 fallen hito neglect in most of the large cities, still prevails in an epidemie form in many towns. The objections to this forced conviviality are very numerous. During the latter part of the day, although there is no dancing on the programme, the entertainment often ends with a reel by the caller. It is tnuch better to have a basket hung where the young men can deposit their ballots and then go about their business. The average young man can stand a good deal, but when ten or flfteen pounds of Boggy fruit cake, moistened with forty different chemical abominations, masquerading a9 French Cognac, CJenuine Sherry, Old Port and other thinly disguised aliases; I say, when all these begin to penétrate nis system, he is liable to fade away before another flew Year's Day dawn9. Still another peni threatens the young man who calis, that is, if he pulls through. During the af ternoon he is liable to propose matrimony to every lady he calis on. This is more dangerous than merely making a bonded warehouse of bis digester. Some youngmen are so impulsiva that even if the lady removed her false teeth they would keep on a9king her to fix the day. Still another danger threatens the festiva New Year's Day caller. It is customary to hire vehicles and ride from house to house giving each lady the mechanical shake, which ;s like working the pumphandle up and down, blending with a glass of wine and some cake, and getting off the usual chestnut about "Happy New Yearl" Now, a few pints of intoxican ts will make a horse travel very f ast, particularly if the intoxicants are inside of the driver, and accident are almost sure to occur. I remember that on one New Year's Day, someyears ago, in Austin, Tex., two vehicles loaded to the muzzle, so to speak, with gentlemen, who vvere also well charged, carne together with a crash, and fov ten minutes there was a shower of the elite of the city. One of these gilded youths, in descending from the blue vault abovo, struck a valuablo fruit tree in a gentleman's front yard, and bruised it severely with his head. In fact, a limb of the tree penctrated the young man's skull, but by carefuUy cutting away the skull the limb of tho tree was saved. Another dude was hurlcd so high into the atmosphere that he subsequently declared he distinctly saw the mortgages on some of the three-story buildings. For twenty minutes after the collision dudes could be seen fondlingtheirspraiuedankles, and sighing for more hands to rub the places that could not bo conveniently reached. The vehicles were pretty badly used up, and the dude who hired one of the teams from tho proprietor of a livery stable botrayed a great deal of coyness vvhen urged to pay for tho wrecked vehicle. The consequenceof this shyness was that the stable man assaulted the New Year's caller, and people living several blocks distant remarked that it sounded like the patter of a muie's hind leers on the nbs of a hired man.