The ocean was always there. But at first, it was harmless, friendly even. It was just a little puddle, a tide pool like the ones she had seen near the shore of the beach with her Grandmother.
After Grandmother’s death, the rain had poured for weeks. She had stood in her funeral dress, the black weighing down on her shoulders. The sun was bright as they lowered her coffin into the ground. In the movies, grim people stood in crowds, holding up black umbrellas. It was always raining. Ran had thought it was fitting, though; Grandmother was a cheery person. When I’m gone- Ran had interrupted, determined not to hear any more. Oh, child. She had said with a soft smile and an even softer voice. Everyone fades away, some earlier than the others, but they’ll pass on just the same.
Alone in her room, Grandmother’s words rang in her head. Everyone fades away, just some earlier than the others. Grandmother would have wanted her to move on. To treasure her memory, instead of crying herself to sleep like those girls in the old movies they watched together on the summer Sunday evenings. She always stayed there while her parents were busy with jobs and business trips. When they watched horror movies, she always buried her head in her shoulder. Grandmother was brave, braver than her, and when Ran flinched, she would run a hand through her curls and tell her don’t worry love, it’s not real. But she still came to check for the monsters in her closet when Ran asked her to.
Grandmother would have wanted her to be strong, like her. But Ran wasn’t strong.
The rain kept going inside her head, a constant pitter-patter determined to drill holes through her brain. Four days after the funeral, the first storm came. “Will you go to your grandmother’s house again this week? There’s a party at my house this weekend, so if you’re not going, you can come!”
A harmless question, but it stung. She had shook her head, shrinking into her backpack. When the bell rang, she ran back home.
The mask finally cracked and she locked herself in her room for hours and cried until her eyes were swollen with tears. The winds howled and roared as buckets of rain came pouring from the cloud-ridden sky. Her father knocked on the door to call her down for dinner but when the locked door didn’t give an answer, he went back downstairs to check the company taxes and profits. Then, he went out to meet a client. He came home late at night. Her mother didn’t come to the funeral. She was in Germany, meeting with another branch of the company and couldn’t fly back in time.
The tide pool where she had hunted for pearls a few summers ago (Grandmother said there weren’t any, but Ran swore she saw something shiny once, and her mother loved pearls so maybe if she gave her a gift she would stop leaving so often) turned into a pond. After weeks of overcast clouds and heavy rainfall, it grew into a lake. ‘Time heals all wounds’. That was the saying, wasn’t it? She had to be strong, strong like Grandmother. Tape was good enough for Ran. Her heart never truly healed, but it numbed over the years. Plaster and glue and tape covered it up, and she almost forgot about it, if not for the dull ache she would get now and then.
(she didn’t even get to say goodbye)
And then she met Mirri. Mirri who burned like the sun. Mirri who was stolen kisses and laughter that made your sides shake and your eyes sparkle, bright and spunky and fiery and beautiful. The dreary landscapes began to turn bright and buoyant under her blazing sun. Ran’s days began to turn again.
After I move out, we’ll get an apartment and live together, she had told her. We can adopt four cats and go to Brown together. I know you got a scholarship there, sorry I didn’t tell you before but I got accepted too!
You don’t need to stay here, Ran.
We can run away together.
Reinforced by these midnight promises, she had felt brighter than ever. Of course, she would never compare to the light Mirri radiated, the sun, the star, the light of her life.
But sunburns hurt too. They would be like supernovas, a rare and sudden explosion of burning fire and bottled up rage for weeks, usually resulting in two broken hearts leaning against the wall. Red streaks against black hair falling into her face, sobbing until her eyes couldn’t produce another drop; Ran lying in bed, staring hollowly at the chipped ceiling until the tiredness took over and she slumped against the pillow, falling into a restless slumber. Fire and water, Mirri and Ran were. Usually, water could put out a fire, but Mirri and Ran weren’t just fire and water, they were the Sun and the tides. And no matter how much you tried, you could never put out the sun. She never tried, either. But she knew she wasn’t enough. (Would she ever be enough?)
So the only thing she could do was to hold on desperately, wasn’t it?
But the brighter a star burns, the quicker it dies out. At least, that was what she had learned in fourth grade science. And then suddenly with a flickered light and extinguished match, she was gone. When the call came, she couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. When her brain finally caught up with the rest of her, she leapt out of her chair and fumbled for the keys, tripping on her shoelaces as she hopped down the stairs. Her parents had asked her where she was going but there was no time. There was never enough time, and with sobs and confessions and secrets spilled, she had rushed to the hospital. Her tears kept falling, blurring her sight. Mirri had clutched her tight.
At first they wouldn't let her in, but she kept pleading, frantically blinking back tears until the nurse gave in and let her in the room with a warning.
Bruised and battered from the car crash, her eyes were heavy-lidded and struggling to stay open. She was hooked up to several beeping machines, and the smell of alcohol and disinfectant swirled through the air. Ran’s head hurt. Her eyes were bleary, and she still couldn’t quite understand what had happened. Mirri looked up when she entered the room, her cracked lips curving up and her fingers twitched in looked like a wave. Her parents were already in the room, her mother asleep and leaning on the shoulder of her husband.
Ran choked back sobs and collapsed at her hospital bed.
Don’t ever scare me like that again.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
And then the monitor flatlined. Ran screamed, but her voice seemed hollow, echoing around the empty room. Then the nurses came rushing in, frantic words and chaos, but the rushing in her brain drowned out all of the commotion. The gears in her brain turned slowly, trying to comprehend the impossible. She felt a pair of hands pull her out of the room. Struggling, she attempted to reach towards Mirri one last time, but they were too strong. The door shut. She sat in silence with Mirri’s parents outside of the operating room. Hours later, a tall woman wearing navy scrubs under a pristine white coat stepped out of the room. “Are you Mirri Jeong’s parents? We’re sorry to tell you that…” Ran didn’t hear the rest of the worlds as the sun came crashing down, replaced with patches of storms and lightning and thunder.
Her heart hurt. Mirri was…gone? Bright, beautiful, lively Mirri? Her Mirri? She felt like someone had crawled up her chest and ripped her heart out. She sat stunned, not noticing anything around her. Nothing felt real. What was happening? She looked down, watching herself pull up in the driveway. Was this an out-of-body experience, like the ones in movies? Ran stared down at her body and wondered how she had driven herself home safely. At home, she could hear awkward footsteps stopping at her door. “Go away,” she hissed, before the knock came. Silence, and then the sound of hesitant steps fading away. She stared at the ceiling. By now, it seemed to know her better than the people she lived with.
(She didn’t even get to say goodbye)
Castillo. She had bumped into him on campus, and they walked together to their next class after he got her hot chocolate to make up for the one she spilled. They both had English. It was snowing that day, and fluttering flakes of white speckled her hair. Clouds blocked the sun. The sun... she used to know someone who reminded her of the sun. She couldn’t quite remember who it was. (a red streak vibrant against black hair, sparkling eyes) Ran’s head throbbed. She returned her focus back to the ground, looking back to see their footprints, but if she could make out the design of her boot’s soles, it would be trampled by the numerous other students who came this way.
“What’s on your mind?” She glanced at Castillo. He was also majoring in art and design, it turned out. She wondered how she had never noticed him.
“Just the snow. Winter is pretty, isn’t it?”
“Pretty, like you.” She could feel her face flush a little. Huh, that was new. When he brought his attention back to the path awkwardly, she turned and let her gaze linger a few seconds. She had almost missed the way he had winced when she bumped into his side, if not for years of observing. Everything seemed much clearer from another point of view. How he had seemed to shrink into himself, rubbing his arms while he offered to buy her another drink. The little signals were small and almost unnoticeable, but she could see the haunted look in his eyes whenever he fell silent. Like recognizes like, she mused. Similar, yet different.
On her way back to her dorm, she stopped and scooped up a small pile of snow in her hand. Her grandmother had told her that there were three main types of snow. Powder snow, the snow from the first snowfall of winter. Soft, sifted flakes of salt and flour glittering in the cold sunlight, drifting onto a cake of frosted grass and hard earth. Packing snow, the snow you can find after it warms up a little and then refreezes. Packing snow was the type of snow she used to make snowballs with. Crisp and fresh, she could hear the crackle-crunch crackle-crunch of the snow giving way to her boots in her head. And then there was what Grandmother had called ‘crystal snow’, the type of snow she was holding. The colder, harsher cousin of packing snow. After it had been frozen and unfrozen too many times. It sparkled on the ground, millions of tiny diamonds fallen from the world’s longest diamond necklace.
If Ran was like the raging hurricanes and storms inside her head, Castillo would be like crystal snow. He froze over the turbulent waves, blanketing everything with a thick layer of snow and ice. Silent and still. An icy fortress, like his name, sheltering her heart and holding the storms at bay.
When you throw a snowball made of crystal snow, it doesn’t splat and come apart like packing snow, a paint splatter of white against black asphalt. Instead, crystal snow mostly regains its shape and compresses into a harder, stronger snowball. Like turning coal into a diamond, crystal snow slowly but surely turns into ice. Another similarity between them.
Ran had noticed this too early, or perhaps too early, but step by step, her castle where all was finally calm and quiet, began to grow edges. Doors were closed off, shielded by jagged iced edges until one day, it crumbled and collapsed. Like recognizes like, but they weren’t so similar after all, were they?
Winter doesn’t last forever. And as the snow melted away to reveal the ugly patches of yellowing grass and mud, so did Castillo. Little hills of ice, desperately holding on to the last traces of the cold, until eventually, those melted too. Somehow, Ran realized, there was more space left in her heart to be hollowed out. The hurricanes screeched and bellowed as turbulent waves threatened to drown her whole. When she heard the news, she skipped English and the rest of her classes, and spent the day in her dorm. This ceiling was different, but it got just as much use as her old one.
Goodbye.
(why didn’t she ever get to say goodbye?)
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The girl sat on her bed, staring at the bottle of pills. Her eyes burned from the sun, like a knife carving her eyes out, and she shrank from the sunlight like it burned. Shivering although it wasn’t cold, she closed the blinds.
You’re being selfish. Ungrateful. You’re just overreacting. Stop being a drama queen. What’s wrong with you? Just be happier. Other people have it worse. You just want attention.
Her hands shook as she twisted open the lid. Was she just being selfish? You could get all this pain to stop, a voice inside her head whispered. Everyone fades away, so what’s wrong with fading away a little earlier? We can run away together. Come on, I’ll be here. Voices, swarming through her brain. Where had she heard them before? Hazy memories drifted through her head. A warm chuckle, a girl’s bell-like voice, a boy’s, smooth and calm. Grandmother. Mirri. Castillo. She could properly say goodbye.
She shook her head. No, she couldn’t do this. Her hands stopped, and rested by her side. There were people going through worse. They were still holding on. They were strong. Strong….. Ran wasn’t strong. She wasn’t strong enough. But……..she could still try, couldn’t she? She could find help, she could try, try harder. Eventually, she’d find happiness again, wouldn’t she?
But. But. If she found happiness, who could she share it with? Who would she share it with? She would still be alone. Utterly and wholly alone. The waves crashed against the small rock that was all that was left. A barrage of water crashed down all around her. Her ears rang and her head spun.
Who would she share it with?
Hands trembling, the girl twisted the lid open.
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The world weeped for the loss of a girl too young to die. But not for long.
The ocean grieved too, until it found its next victim.
Everyone fades away.
In the end, the ocean sees all, comforts all, swallows all.
And the ocean is all there ever was. All you’ve ever known.