John And Julie: A Look At A Short-Term Marriage

The honeymoon ended abruptly for John and Julie. They were married only 13 months before deciding to separate. Four months ago, John and Julie, both gradúate students at the University and 22 years old, were divorced. For this couple, the idyllic courtship and early romance of marriage were over. Julie and John are just one of 976 couples divorced last year in Washtenaw County. But being one of almost 2,000 [persons going through the legal and emotional strain of divorce doesn't make it easier for those affected. John and Julie were fortúnate: they had no children, no alimony payments and not much property to divide. But there are other problems still evident - adjusting to the single life, former inla ws and discrimination Julie and John still believe in the institution of marriage. Julie says: "It's the happiest personal relationship. If you have a happy relationship to begin with, it gives stability." The young student couple hadn't married on the spur of the moment. They met in high school in a small town and dated each other exclusively for four years. Julie and John started dating as juniors in high school and were married between their junior and senior year in college. John explains part of the attraction for one another: 'Tve always been competi1 tive academically. She was one of the few girls I met who was a bright, lenging companion. "We met in an honors class. I was very attracted to her. We liked the same things. We both read widely and liked to talk about books, concerts and art." Julie agrees, saying they had a lot of dreams in common. But she adds, "We made the wrong choice. We really were compatible. We just should have remained friends, but not married." Julie says a variety of conditions and events lead to their separation. "We were both idealistic. He was conservative and opinionated. Later I became disillusioned with him. When it carne time to decide what we wanted to do with our lives, he had more materialistic goals," Julie says. During courtship and the early part of marriage, John explains that they had difficulty in talking - or arguing about - irritations. "My parents who have been married 27 years always argued a I always saw the explosive part. We were a close-knit family but all hotheads. "Julie and I both have tempers. I would do my besito avoid an argument at all cost. I would bottle up emotions ' and feelings until I finally exploded," John says. One precipitating factor was a sixweek separation during the summer while John attended Reserve Officers Training Corp (ROTC) camp. Julie says while John was away she had the opportunity to think, to be independent. "I realized I had stopped becoming a person. All my dreams and plans were completely centered around John. We had stopped dreaming, growing together," Julie says. In retrospect, Julie who comes from a ' broken home, believes she married for I security. "I never had the chance to live alone. But I didn't want to be married if I it was just for security - that would be a cop-out." I While John was gone, Julie dated several men. j Six months after they were married, John says Julie had an affair with one of ! her professors. He adds, "She told me about it. I was shocked but we decided to try and work it out." Julie says, "I was having strong feel ings of being attracted to other men." The day John returned home from ROTC camp, he says, "She asked for a separation. It was a shock. There had been no communication about this." "Her terms were a trial separation for a semester, including leading our own social lives. I couldn't start dating some one else while still being married," John i says. He asserts that she refused to see a i professional counselor regarding their ! marital differences. F Julie expíains the trial separation as [ just a chance to gain independence, a I time to think. At the time, she says, she I had no intention of getting a divorce. Because John would not accept a trial I separation, he asked Julie if she wanted I to file for divorce. '--(J John says, "I asked her if she wanted I ë to file for the divorce as a courtesy to I r her. There is less of a social stigma for I jHL a man who has been divorced than for a I ! woman. She didn't have any grounds. Their divorce was handled through the I Legal Aid Society. In the aftermath of the divorce, I tionships with mutual friends and in-laws I have changed. Julie explains, "I had always played a I role in front of his parents. We could I never teil his mother about the crazy I things we did. My father-in-law wouldn't I speak to me after the divorce." Socially, John occasionally gets I er with friends from classes for dinner I but he says he hasn't established new I '& dating relationships because he doesn't I like to run into persons who know John I and Julie as a married couple. Julie says she too occasionally gets I together with friends at the University. I She notes an increase in the number of I married men who ask her out since the I divorce. "I guess if you're divorced, men think you're an easy target." But there are other emotional scars. I Still a bit nervous, John says, "I still I feel I'm very much on the rebound. I'm I not secure and sure of myself now. "I altérnate between a great deal of fl bitterness and detached affection. You I can't do away with six years of I tion." Julie is learning to cope with her newfound independence; but she says, I "When we first separated, I wanted to ■ get married right away. I was looking for security again." Tomorrow: Divorce after 30 years of marriage. :t' . WÊÊgmÊ