On Restoring Life's Balance After Divorce


■ H (FIRST OF TWO ARTICLES) '""" Bitterness. Guilt. A sense of failure. Shaken self-confidence. Added responsibilities. Reduced financial circumstances. Perhaps a need to take another job or to go to work for the first time in years. Lonely nights. No one to share the day with, to lean on, to help make the decisions. And quite often, a couples-oriented so■ cial circle that gradually, maybe even ■ very suddenly, no longer has a place for I you. I In 1972 ?! S7S pniinips wgrfl rparr'f" in, I IVgshtppaw Coimtv. AnH 1.195 marripF I were tprrninatp.fl in the divorce courts. I Statistics like this are often misinterpretI ed to mean that nearly one out of every I two marriages ends in divorce. As one sociologist pointed out in a reI cent magazine article, that's like relatI ing all the traffic accidents that occur in a year only to drivers who were licensed I for the first time that year. In fact, of course, one would have to take into consideration all the other drivers who had been licensed in years past to get a meaningful picture of the accident rate. But if the marriage-divorce picture is I not quite as grim as amateur statisticians frequently make it out to be, there is no doubt that the divorce rate is on the rise. ! I t The number of divorces in Washtenaw I County tripled between 1960 and 1972, I white the population less than doubled I and other vital statistics grew in proporI tion to the population or, in the case of births, dropped. I While the number of births decreased I by 805 and the number of marriages I creased by only two between 1971 and 1 1972, the number of divorces increased I by 219, perhaps due in part to the new I jo-fault divorce law. ■ And there also seems little doubt that I no matter what the circumstances surI rounding the termination of a marriage, I divorce represents a change in lifestyle I of considerable magnitude. The adjustI ments required are likely to be painful, I according to a local marriage counselor, I even under the best of circumstances. Hugh Gaston, a professor of counselI ing at Eastern Michigan University and I a private counselor in Ann Arbor for I many years, notes several problem I areas which confront almost all divorced I persons, men or women, to some degree I at some point after the divorce. The first, Gaston says, is getting your own internal, emotional house in order. How difficult this is, he says, often depends to a large extent on the person and the situation leading up to divorce. "Where the person has wanted a divorce for a long time, where the potential for development within the marriage seems clearly not good, or where the person is already involved with someone else, the divorce may actually come as á j relief and bring á feeling of freedom," i Gaston says, though he adds.'that these; feelings themselves may eventually be guilt-producing if they are not properly understood. "On the other hand, the person who didn't want a divorce is very likely to have his self-confidence seriously shaken and to suffer feelings of rejection or bitterness.' . If that person had feit that he had a goód marriage and a good spouse;-. finding out that 'it wasn't so' may also shake his confidence in his own judgment." "You also have to deal with all that society lays on you about failure," says Roger Mills, a teaching fellow at the 1 University of Michigan who has been divorced for several years and who has J done a considerable amount of group work with divorced persons. "There seems to be a general underlying belief that any marriage can be saved if only the party was dedicated enough, or tried hard enough, or did all the right things," he says. "As a result many divorced persons experience exaggeratedi or totally unnecessary feelings of guilt. "In my experience, most divorced persons have a very poor self-image." Gaston feels that marriage counseling often can prevent or at least reduce such problems. "Even if it turns out that the couple decides to termínate the marriage, counseling prior to that time can serve as a transition and help them work out their feelings and attitudes so that there is the least possible hurt," he says. "I always urge couples contemplating a divorce to be as practical as they can, to plan exactly what's going to happen and how they are going to adjust in the period af ter the divorce." Gaston counts the loneliness and sudden loss of companionship as one of the things that has to be dealt with. "Quite often it's the little, unexpected things that hit people the hardest," he says. "Like not having someone to talk with comfortably at the end of the day, not having anyone to talk over decisions with or no one readily available to do things with." ("This very kind of seciirity," says Mills, "seems to be one thing that keeps many otherwise unsatisfactory nv a rriages together.") Another problem area Gaston points to ischange in social rélationships. "There's often an awkward period when mutual friends of the couple may just sort of drift away." 'M Another women put it to The News ■ more strongly. "You really ought to say I something about how impossible it is for 1 a divorced - or a widowed woman - to I maintain her previous social contacts. "Ifs a real blow," she said. "Your I married friends just drop you - totally. I It doesn't seem to matter if you're 1 tractive or ugly, have children or don't. I If you're single for whatever reason, I you're immediately a threat. "Maybe some people are just hung up I on the outmoded idea that there has to I be an equal number of men and women I at any gathering," she says. "But even I so, someone who's just gone through a I divorce is lonely and troubled. Maybe all I she wants is to go to a movie or be I ed to dinner. "Even a lot of organizations are very I insensitive to this sort of thing," she I adds. "There was a bowling league I ganized at the church of a friend of I mine, but only mixed couples could I ticipate. They wouldn't allow her to I come alone or with a woman friend. She I had to take along her 13-year-old son in ■ order to bowl with her own church I league!" Gaston, notes that, fairly or unfairly, it I is often easier for men to maintain their I social life or get back "into circulation." ■ Mills agrees, but says that it still isn't ■ easy. "How to meet people is a real ■ lem," says Mills. "And eventually, of j course, chances are you are going to ■ wait to meet other, eligible single people I as well as your oíd friends. "The singles bar scene is not v e r y I open and it seems pretty gamey if you're matured at all. The tamer singles clubs sponsored by various organizations tend to have such a 'lonely hearts' I age - like there's nobody there you'd I really want to meet. Your self-image is I shaken to begin with. It's really hard to I make yourself go to something like ■ that." " I One (now active) member of Parents Without Partners, an organization whose main purpose is to help single parents deal with their children, but which nevertheless schedules many social activities, agrees: "Going to a meeting the first time was a terrible ordeal. It was like the first time I went to Weight Watchers andi admitted that I was 'obese.' " A third, and highly complex, problem área for divorced persons is family relationships, Gaston says. The problems of raising a child in today's society are multiplied for the parent who must do the job essentially alone. j-c; ■ g5 5'. One local woman expressed a commonly-shared view (which, however, is sometimes held to be unfair or exaggerated) that children of divorce have more difficulties than those from homes with both parents present. "The kids, especially adolescents seem to have such a strong need to be recognized They try harder to get recognition even if they have to do totally unacceptable things to get it." In addition to these problems, the divorced parent must cope with such questions as the child's relationship to the other parent and how to give the child a positive and realistic attitude toward marriage. These problems are frequent ly complicated by feelings of anxiety and guilt. "When the father has custody, he is I usually facing totally new and unexpected responsibilities, things that he never got any preparation for dcaling with," adds Mills, who has custody of his daughter, Ami, now six. And he points out that children can really complicate matters, for either a man or a woman, if they are contemplating remarriage or even just dating. "There are all sorts of little jealousy things that go on - in all directions," he says. And not only children, but other f amily relationships may be disturbed by divorce, Gaston says. "In-laws, parents, brothers and sisters - all can present problems to the divorced person." Financial problems are the last area of concern mentioned by Gaston. "Unless you happen to be a Ford," he says, "divorce almost invariably means that total income is less. And this really, really hurts, no doubt about it. "For the woman, it often means that she has to go back into the labor market. If she's untrained, or trained but has been away from her work for many years, the problems are compounded." And while much sympathy goes to the plight of the woman in this area, the dij vorced man confronted with child support and alimony will quickly discover that it's more expensive to support the same number of persons in two house[ holds than it is in one. I If he should remarry and end up I porting two families, the burden can be I extreme. He, too, may be looking for j I tra jobs to supplement his income. So how does the divorced person deal I with such a seemingly crushing array of I problems? How does one go after ' I ing the balance after a divorce? Some of the answers to these questions I suggested by professionals and persons I who have gone through a divorce will be j I explored in the concluding article of this I series tomorrow.