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Miscellany: Applying The Principle

Miscellany: Applying The Principle image
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A brace of legs, thrust considerably too far through a pair of mottled pante, and attached to a couplo of -the largest sized feet, which were encased in twin cowhide brogans, formed the underpinning to a long, slab-sidcd body, otherwise generotis in proporlione, the whole being surmounted with a gray, " fivo year oíd," at least, seal skin cap. This sum total - legs, pants, feet, shoes, body, and chapeau - was the property, by posses6Í0n, ofZENAS HUMSPUN. Zenas had been on "a bat" during the night previous, and had squandered full half a dollar on himself, in white-eyeand sweetning. But bis returning senses made him feel philosophical, and, on the morning we speak of him, he stood, at an early hour, in st., gazing mechanically at the lelegraphic wires - soliloquizing thus wise : - " 'ie ! - That's the tclcgruff- W 'c - well, I don't poorseive nulhin' per - 'c - culier 'bout them strings, on'y one'sbiggcr 'en t'other - 'ie." " That's the lightnin' line, big 'un," said an urchin in the door-way near by. U When does she - 'ie - start VI ' You'dbetler ax in thar." Waar V In the office up thar." The loafer was shown to the door of the building, and, " by hook or crook," found his way üp three flights of stairs, ênto the ífilegraphic oíTice. The attendants inquired " what the gentleman wished to forward V For'ud- 'ie- who's she?" "What will yousend!" Send wharV' ff This is the telegraph ofijoe, sir." f Well- -'ie - who'n thunder said it wasn't }" " I supposed you had business, sir." " Nothin' o' the sort - 'ie- quite the re - 'ie - verse of the conlranj." What will you have?" " I want to make some in - 'ie - quirries."The hourbeing early, and littlc doing, the clerks vory charitably determine upon some fun with the fcllow, with a view to sobcring him. The opportunity for any thing gratuitous escaped them, however - for, as they commenced aconsultation upon the best means to benefit the intrwder, he stepped up to one of the baüories, which happened fortunately to bo but lightly charged, and concluding that the nobs were portable, he pulled lus tap over his forehead, and attompted to remove onc of the balls; the nextment Zenas lay stretched upon the floor r He arose as besthecould, and turning to the clérfc, with " Look y ere, Mister- 'ie- wot's y ere name? I'kin lick as many sich like skunks as you, as can be drov into a forty aiker lot ! Wot in- did yer- 'ie- nock aninnerseU man down that way for ?_Eh " "Nobody touched you," said the clerk. " The- they- 'ie- didn't ?" " No, sir. Yoü looi: the" " Took wot ? Yere's yure comtemptable copper"- and, preceeding to dash a lóese penny towards the attendant,which lay upon the machine- his finge rs carne in contact with the battery, nnd away he went again, hels over head, across the floor ! " Look yere !" continued the sufferer, who, by this time, was wed nigh sobered - 'od blast your infernal piclur, wot in ihundcr are you 'baout ?" "You musn't handle the tools"- observed the cierk, nearly bursting with aughter."Liookyou! Mr. Wot's-yure-name- I am't to be fooled this yer way, for nuthin'- I nrn't. By tluinder! I'm a indcrj)endant indivoodal, I arn - and this yere nockin' people down, wiihout notice ofno kind, ani't tlie thing, by ! Ef you'll open that yere door, 111 go out o' this, and no questions axed ThaCs the door, sir" "Tíiatbras handle ?" "Yes." I I'm blowed ef you do, though ! This hild don't meddle wilii no more hard vare ín this trap, no how !" Tlic door was opened by tlie clerlc, and ie fellow sidled out. Asuppressed laugh jervaded the countenance of the attendnt, as Zenas departed, which, ns ihe oor closed vented itself in a broad hawïaw. II You're a smart young gentleman - ou are ! bawled the Joafer, through the eyhole, as he held the door fast with oth hands - you're a very smart young lan. May be you'd likc to git out o' hat, and go to your breakfost ; bimeby, may be ! Au' ef yer do git any grub foie noon, jeslel a feller 'bout my size no-.v it- wJll yer ? Pil teach yer to nock people down, simultaneously for othin - I will" - and from thé prepnraons making on the outside, the prospect vss that the " insiders" were to be made risoners. A thought slruck the attendant. He isconnected the wire, and placing it in ontact with the nob of the door upon ie inside, his companion Iet on the batery ! The door flew open instantnneously and ur valiant stranger, with the seal skin ap was discovered in the act of an antiigular descent down stairs, the side of is head scrapingthe paint from the edges f the steps, and his legs, mean time, perorming ah involuntary pirouette, wliich vould have done infinite credit to a French ancing master.It so chancea that Zenas had purchased bunch of luciíbr matches the niglit beore, which had been deposiled in his coat ockei. In his progress dovn,the matchs had becomc ignited, and by the lime ie had reaehed the fi rst flight he had parally recovered from his first efiects of the shock." Cut the fluid tingled thro' lis veins, his coat tuils were on Tire, and e wiis not"set forvard"in his imaginaon any, by this lastefíbrt of his tormenors. He disco-v ered the fire, and preuming it was part and parcel of the cussidiuvention" he sprung to his fee; , nd with both hands briskly nt work beind biin, for the of smothering ie ñame, which wasroasting the seat of is inexpressibles - he " put" fur the t-eet door at full gallop f "Fire! Fire! Help Í ycre! Oio!! murderfire! help!" shouted the victim, is he darted into the street. Away he dashed towards Bultimorc, at spred which t" c " lightnin1 liae" i;sclf night have been proud of. Luckily, a quare oíT, he discovered a servañt with a ïose attached to one of thé hydrants, busiy engaged washing ofl tlie pavement. - Ie rushed to the spot, and tnrning shorj jefore him - a posterori - he begged him, t the top of his vpice, " for God's sake o put him out." Pcrhaps his sable fri?nd's eye diden't jlis;en, and maybe his "ivory" didon't hine, as ho charitably turned "the curent of that stream" upon the unmentipnble parts of the pooi devil's ncthernents! "The fire was extingiiished vithout serious damage," as the papers ay - the loafer was thoroughly saiurated - a having exchangcd his " heavy inide wet" for a skin-droncliing, bc dearted, perfectly sober, admisttho jccr.s of he crowd who hatl wiinessed the finale - most vociferously cursing all improvements in magnetism and combustibles !