RAPUNZEL: THE REAL STORY

            That Rapunzel girl? She was alright, I suppose. Of course, I still had my eye on Amelia at the time… But more on that later. The whole ordeal was quite sweaty and dirty. It definitely was not my favorite adventure. I don’t know why Father sent me on that wild goose chase to rescue the “beautiful maiden” from the tower.  He knew I already had a girlfriend! And that witch! Like I said before, not my favorite adventure.

******************************************************************************

            What do you want?! Go away before I turn your heads’ into meatballs! (Talking) What’s that? It’s about Prince Harold? (More talking) Oh, alright. As long as it includes Harold. Now let’s see if I can get my facts straight…

            There I was, minding my own business collecting mouse tales and frog tongues, when suddenly, I heard that clopping of hooves on a dirt path. I prepared to turn an unsuspecting villager into a bat, or turn their horse into a toad, or steal their saddle bag, but one glance at Harold and my heart was the only thing that got stolen. He was peering down at a crudely drawn map, so I had enough time to dive behind some bushes before he saw me. Hair as black as bats’ wings. Eyes as green as my own baby teeth. Back as straight as a tower, “Rapunzel!”  My brain kicked into high gear. “I can’t let him find her! My love life will be ruined!” (By the way, sorry about the similes. I’ve always been a bit of a poet, myself.) Anyway, then I’m thinking: “I need to hide Rapunzel away from the beautiful man! Somewhere where he’ll never find her! He must never see her pretty face! Or hear her pretty voice! And so on, and so forth. All that was important was that he noticed me, not her. And I guess that kind of happened. Kind of…

*******************************************************************

            Yes, I admit it. I had been going back to the spot where I first saw Harold ever since the first time I saw his beautiful face. Every day, he would ride by on his horse, looking gorgeous as usual. Of course, he never noticed me; I can get pretty stealthy when I want to be…

*******************************************************************

            Ever since that day I got lost in the woods, I had been going back. It really is a beautiful place. Except for the bugs. And the mud. And the creepy witch lady watching me. She does not have the most beautiful face in all the Kingdom of Ham. Or the most beautiful clothes. Or the most beautiful anything really. 

            I remember thinking on one occasion “I must look deeper into that old which lady.” You see, I was thinking about claiming that lovely stretch of forest for myself when I got home that day, and I didn’t want some old creepy person peeping at me, especially in my own terrain. Then I started thinking, “Why is she spying on me in the first place? I mean, I know I’m dashing, and handsome, and beautiful, and quite good looking, but…..” And that’s when realization hit me. That crazy old kook likes me! As in like, like likes me! Just the idea frightened me enough to turn my horse right around and gallop right back home to my own room, and the comfort of my choo-choo train wallpaper…. I love that wallpaper…. Wait! Did I just say that out loud! Stop the tape! Throw it away! We’ll have to redo it! No! Give it! (Slight scuffling sounds) I’m the prince of the Kingdom of Ham! I demand that you destroy that tape, or I’ll destroy it myself! Don’t make me get my parents involved! (More slight scuffling sounds) Of course I have the ability to do that! I have the ability to do anything I want! Now give. Me. That. Tape! (Sound of tape hitting wall) …….. (Sound of shouting, tape goes dead)            

                        *************************************************************

            So there I am, waiting for Prince Harold to pass by as usual, and I get this crazy idea in my head. “What if I could “make the first move”, as you young people say. Maybe I need to get Harold to fall in love with me, instead of just watching from the bushes; hoping Harold will glance over and be charmed by my unique features, and take me home to his palace where we shall then fall madly in love. I need a plan to get him to notice me. A love potion, maybe? No, how would I get him to drink it? Maybe I could brew up a beauty potion, drink it, and stroll by innocently the next time he rides by?” But then I think of that genius moment I had earlier in the story, and I think: “Why I didn’t lock up Rapunzel before now? Hmm. I guess I was more distracted by Harold then I thought. I must leave right now to create a tower to lure Rapunzel into, so she shall never be seen or heard of again! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess my daily Harold peeking session will have to wait.” So then I leave.   

******************************************************************************

            So there I was, just minding my own business, stealing plum cake from the kitchen, when my squire, Hanley, rushed into the room. “I was doing nothing!” I said hurriedly.

            “Yes, I’m sure you weren’t, Master Harold, but I have very important news!” That wasn’t like Hanley. The Hanley I knew, the Hanley eager to rat me out in order to please my Father, normally would have scolded me, and threatened to only feed me bread and water for a week. This was obviously a very important ordeal.   

            “I’ve received word from a villager who lives on the edge of town about hearing a young girl’s voice coming from the forest. He said it was as beautiful as a nightingale’s song, and as clear as the Crystal Lake of the Kingdom of Ham. I immediately notified your father and mother, and they both agreed that you must go and rescue this young woman from the tower that she sings of. I said you would leave after lunch, and be back in two days’ time! What are you doing just standing there? We must start making preparations immediately!” Ah. There’s the Hanley we all know and despise. But what about this girl he was speaking of? Didn’t my father know that I already had Amelia for a girlfriend? Did he not like her, or something?

            But of course, with much um…  “encouragement” from Hanley, I eventually set of under the hot sun to go look for this girl. Of course, I never expected that little adventure to go so horribly wrong….

******************************************************************************
            What’s the problem with boys? Honestly, one minute they adore you, the next minute, they see another girl and ditch you. Of course, Harold never adored me before he spotted Rapunzel. Heck, he didn’t even know I existed before he spotted Rapunzel, so I guess I shouldn’t be freaking out so much, especially after it already happened, but I just can’t seem to get over it. I mean, how would you feel if your crush suddenly just started making goo goo eyes at your mortal enemy? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Of course, at the time, I didn’t exactly know that he was visiting Rapunzel; he just looked a little distant. Boys are like that when they’re in love, sometimes.

                        ************************************************************************

            Honestly, I still think Amelia was overreacting a little bit. Just because I met another girl, doesn’t mean I like her! But could Amelia grasp that? No, apparently not. She was convinced that I was going to leave her forever and go and rescue “that girl” and that “that girl” and I were going to get married, and she would forever be lonely and stay cooped up inside with no one to love. One, even if that did happen, it’s not like she wouldn’t have anyone to love. She could just marry Hanley, or some other random squire. And two, at that time, I was still smitten with her. I never would have abandoned her for some random girl I just met! Even if she was pretty! I send Amelia flowers and honey cake every other day! She should know I still liked her! Breaking up with me and moving in with her friend in the Kingdom of Dessert was a little harsh, don’t you think?

******************************************************************************

            Like I said before, boys are stupid. It’s just like I suspected. He does visit Rapunzel! I found out the hard way (of course, nothing but the best for me!). I was just calling for Rapunzel to let down her hair, (it’s our little code, she has crazy long hair, it reaches all the way down the tower! Luckily, she lets me climb up when I need to get up to give her food and more TP) when I hear voices. Voices. Plural. A couple moments later, Rapunzel lets down her hair, and I start climbing up as fast as I can.

******************************************************************************

            Yes, as Irecall saying already, not my favorite adventure. Being stuffed in a cupboard 3 times smaller than you if not your idea of fun, am I right? I thought so. But wait, there’s more. Creepy witch lady enters the room, and starts looking for you, cursing your name. Still want more? It’s the same witch lady that has been spying on you for the past three weeks, and the one who possibly has a crush on you. NOT. PRETTY. Oh, I almost forgot! The best part! Then the witch finds you. And she realizes who it is. And she grins, showing of a mouthful of crooked, mangled, green and yellow teeth. And her breath doesn’t exactly smell like roses and freshly picked strawberries. You like that? Good, because the fun keeps coming and coming. She opens that mouth, and her flies literally drop of the air; dead. Then she says: “Why, hello there. Quick question, do you have a girlfriend?” Your first instinct is to say yes, but then you remember, your girlfriend actually broke up with you the day before, leaving you available for any random witch to swoop you up and carry you away to some unsanitary shack, or something. And you’re a prince, and princes never lie. Except, of course, when there is a witch with bad breath asking you out. Then, you can make an exception.

            “Yes.” You say, choking on the stench of her hygiene issues.

            “Who?” She asked, her expression darkening. So you say the only thing that comes to mind.

            “That girl over there.”

            “You mean Rapunzel?” Man that Rapunzel girl is looking like she’s about to kill you, and she’s going to get killed herself. I don’t blame her.

            “Ye-Yeah. Ra-Rapunzel.” The combination of the death glare Rapunzel is shooting me and the witch’s breath is enough to kill. Luckily, I’ve always been relatively strong willed, and I manage to survive. Thank goodness.

******************************************************************************

            Okay, I admit it. Maybe casting Rapunzel off to live in a desert for the rest of her born days was a bit much, but at least it all turned out okay in the end! Luckily, the spell didn’t cast her off to a desert; the spell cast her off to the Kingdom of Dessert. Of course, I still thought she had been cast of to the desert, until about a week later, when Rapunzel sent me a letter by bird, (she would) telling me where she actually was.

*****                                                                                                                              *****

            Dear Witch,

            Greetings from the beautiful Kingdom of Dessert!  I’m sure you’ll be happy to find out that instead of sending me to the desert, you sent me to the noble Kingdom of Dessert! There, I wandered around for a bit wondering where I was, and why I wasn’t in the sweltering hot desert! I soon met a kind girl named Amelia, who had just moved there herself! She took me home to her lovely, quaint little place, and fed me, and allowed me to bathe, and lent me some clean clothes. We soon got to talking, and I asked Amelia why she decided to move here. She then told me that her boyfriend had abandoned her for some other girl trapped in a cottage, or something, and she decided to come here and move in with her BFF (Jewel) and that she should be coming back shortly from the market. Then we waited around for a while, waiting for Jewel to come home. Suddenly, out of the blue, Amelia said that she had just had a great idea, but she wanted to wait until Jewel got home so she could tell both of us. Just as she was saying that, the door burst open and a very pretty strong-looking young woman, about our age with auburn hair walked into the house carrying a big leather sack full of goods. When she saw me she promptly set down the sack and pulled Amelia into the other room. They whispered for a bit, and then Amelia peeked around the corner and motioned for me to come in with them. When I got in the room, Jewel was smiling a welcoming smile. She motioned for me to be seated, so I sat in one of the big fluffy chairs near to the hearth. They then both started talking at the same time. It was quite overwhelming. Then they both stopped, and Jewel introduced herself, and said that she already knew my name was Rapunzel, so there was no need to do the same. Then Amelia stepped up and told me that….. THEY WANTED ME TO MOVE IN WITH THEM!!!!! I was like, “Heck, Yeah!” And now I am writing this letter to you, and sitting in the fluffy chair by the hearth. Now, I must go to sleep. Tomorrow Jewel and Amelia are going to take me to the market to buy new clothes! Goodbye for now, please write back soon.

            Your Friend and former Captive,

                                    Rapunzel  

                        ************************************************************************

            “But what about the prince?”  You ask. Don’t worry my adoring fans. I get a happy ending too. (And yes, I heard about Rapunzel moving in with Amelia. Amelia sent me a very long letter about the subject, and about how much better of a time she was having without me. I think I stopped mourning over the loss of Amelia after I read that letter.) Anyway, back to my happy ending. After Rapunzel got cast into the “noble” Kingdom of Dessert, it was just me and the witch lady. The witch lady still looked pretty ticked off, so I decided I would take my leave. Then I remembered the only way to get up and down was Rapunzel’s insanely long hair. I was going check to see if I had any rope or something in my saddle bag, but then I remembered that I actually did not bring my saddle up here (duh!). So I just shrank back into the cupboard three times smaller than me to wait for the witch lady to stop fuming so she could cast a spell to get me and her out of there. That took a little while, but eventually, when it looked like she had cooled down a bit, I slowly and cautiously inched out of the cupboard three times smaller than me and bravely walked up to the witch and tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around and screeched “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?” I shrank back and squeaked out in a very manly voice:

            “Uh, Ma’am do you think you could possibly get me out of here? Now?”

            “What’s in it for me?” She asked a crafty look in her eye.

            “I’ll….um…..” My mind went blank. What would a hag like her possibly want? So I said the first thing that came to mind when I thought of what she needs. “I’ll take you to the castle and get you a five star makeover.”

            That seemed to get her attention.  “‘The Castle?’ You mean your castle?” She inquired.

            “Yes, my castle. So how about it?” I stuck out a trembling hand and grinned what I hoped was a reassuring grin.

            “You got yourself a deal, buddy!” She reached out and shook my hand. It was surprisingly not as gross as I thought it would be. I smiled again, for real this time.   

            ************************************************************************