The first time that I watched Keeping up with the Kardashians was when I was 13. It was the moment that changed my life and made me the person that I am today. At the time my mom and dad were fighting a lot so there was a lot of tension at home. I remember that it was a really hard time for me because everybody at my school bullied me for being too pretty. There were so many rumors started about me: some people said that I was pregnant, others called me a hoe, and my best friend at the time would always call me a whale. Looking back it was obvious that they were all jealous of my good looks, sky high confidence, and bubbling personality.
The first episode that made me fall in love with Kim Kardashian and the entire K Klan was the season 1 premier. Bruce and Kris renewed their vows, giving me hope that my parents could one day be happy together again. Kim was not only gorgeous but she was also so funny. She gave Kris and Bruce a stripper pole to spice up their sex life which at the time I didn’t fully get why it was so funny but I still found it hilarious. I could also relate to Kylie when she danced on the pole during the party because at that point in my life I wanted to do everything that I believed made me seem grown up and sophisticated. From then on I was addicted. It acted as a much needed escape from my own reality. As soon as I got home from school every day I would re watch last Sunday’s episode so I wouldn’t feel as lonely in the empty house. They were the big family that I always craved and were so real. When Kim and Kris got into an argument over the release of some racy pictures I saw myself in them. My mother and I fought all the time and I appreciated how I saw that even the Kardashians were authentic people.
I felt as if I was with Kim for the good times and the bad. She also made me feel as if my body was nothing to be fear or hide. From the Girls Gone Wild shot to her Playboy cover to the leaking of her sex tape she and I were shedding the modesty that we had both kept hidden behind for way too long. Over the next two seasons I learned so much about the world by watching the E! Network. Khloe entered the dating market; the sisters helped the less fortunate from New Orleans to Calabasas, CA; the family fought hard and loved even harder. I was taught the importance of following the law, working hard to achieve one’s dreams, and putting family first. In season 3 Kourtney covered a magazine, Bruce got plastic surgery, Kim danced with the Pussycat Dolls, Khloe got cheated on, and Kylie grew into a young adult. Needless to say I have watched every season since and they have been a part of my lives since day one. Eventually all of my so called friends started saying that I was “creepily obsessed” with my idol and icon so I had to stop talking to all of them.
Once I got a twitter account the Kardashians and I connected on an even deeper level. I knew what they were eating, where they were shopping, where they traveled to, and who they were with at all times. I tweeted Kim, or Kimberly Noel as only her true fans knew about her, every single day before, during, and after school. I tweeted her on weekends, weeknights, holidays, during my grandfather’s funeral, and after I got my first boyfriend. For years I asked for advice, called her beautiful, and shared my every waking moment with her over Twitter. Because my queen has been married 3 times before the age of 34 I added another personal accomplishment to reach.
On December 6, 2013 God answered my prayers and through divine intervention and had Kim follow me back. It was 2nd period Algebra 1 when I saw the amazing news. At first I couldn’t even speak I was in such disbelief. Once I saw the blue check mark on her profile I started bawling even harder than when my grandfather died at his 90th birthday celebration. I didn’t see it but he dropped dead face first into his cake as I was watching the season finale of KUWTK. After God blessed me with that gift I never doubted his limitless power. From then on I began going to church every Sunday, wearing Kardashian Kollection from Sears of course.
One summer afternoon I was practicing my Kim Kardashian contour, highlight, and hair technique when she tweeted about a meet and greet happening at my local Sears in two weeks. I knew it was her sending me a message as I programmed all her tweets to ring with the 2012 critically acclaimed smash hit Jam (Turn It Up). It still to this day is my ringtone and alarm clock ringer. There is no better way to wake up than to Kimmy’s superb vocals at 6 A.M. When she tells me to turn her up I do exactly that! I actually tear up whenever I hear the song as it carries so many good memories for me.
Two weeks later at 4:30 A.M. I was standing at the doors of the Sears auto center because it was the closest entrance to the clothes. I had an almost perfectly applied contour, highlight, foundation, blush, smokey eye, liquid liner, two pairs of lashes, and the exact nude lipstick that Kim’s makeup artist, Mario, uses on her. As I waited for the 6:00 A.M. store opening I re read Kardashian Konfidential for the third time that morning and reapplied another layer of makeup. I couldn’t meet my queen looking natural or fresh faced. I had on the cutest Kardashian Kollection polyester/rayon blend black bandage dress and my soon to be returned Louboutin daffodil 6.3 inch platform pumps (Kim loves her pair!). I had brought an untouched copy of my bible, Kardashian Konfidential, for her to sign. Yes I was squeezed like a sausage in casing and sweating, plus I couldn’t walk without falling but I would do anything for my idol, fashion icon, and life inspiration.
By 7:00 I was in front of the line and the next meet to her. The fact that I was 2 feet away from the deity Kim Kardashian made me super nervous. I couldn’t control my body from shaking in addition to the fact that my mouth was dry as a desert. As I teetered towards my ultimate hero I almost planted on my face twice. I later saw how stupid it was to wear those shoes also because I scuffed them and gum stuck to the suede so they were unreturnable. She said hi and I was so star struck that I could only stare. For 30 seconds I was speechless like never before in my life. One of my tracks came a loose and fell onto the ground so by that point I wa mortified.
“I’m so sorry, Ms. Kardashian! I haven’t really worn these extensions outside before.”
“That’s okay sweetie! Do you want to take a picture?”
“Yes! Oh my god yes. Can you sign my book too please? If you don’t want to I understand.”
“Sure thing. So do you want to take a selfie? The photographer went on his lunch break. I told him to bring me back some QuickTrim.”
QuickTrim is the diet secret that helped me lose 30 pounds last summer. It gave me constant headaches and indigestion but any product beloved by Kim Kardashian must have some scientific basis. She is one of my most trusted sources of information. I quickly found my phone and attempted to look as well as Kim which was obviously impossible. She then signed my book and it was as if was walking on air for the rest of the day. From then on I officially dedicate myself to Kim. Instead of going to Yale on full scholarship I moved to L.A. in hopes of landing a job as her assistant. I haven’t gotten it yet but if Keeping up with the Kardashian has taught me anything it’s that with hard work and a lot of plastic surgery you can achieve anything you set your mind to.