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I woke up lost, terrified, and confused, laying in the gutters on the streets. My clothes were soiled my white T was no longer white but stained with a mixture of yellow, green, and brown from my own throw up.  My body was in so much pain I could barely see. My whole body pulsed in agony. All I wanted to do was die. Please God that’s all I want, let me die.                                                                           

LET ME DIE!                                                                                                                                                                                                           

I screamed to the heavens and waited for an answer but nothing came.     I curled myself into the fetal position and tried to create a peace within myself like a baby in the womb of its mother waiting for life. But I was in the heart of despair waiting for death; there was no peace to be found. I uncurled myself and promised this would be the last time I have to pick myself up again, so I got up and took what dignity I had left and shook myself off. I reached in my pockets to see if I had any money for a cab but all I had was a crack pipe, a few dirty needles, an empty plastic baggy,  balls of lint, and not a dime to my name. I’m not really sure where I’m going so I guess cab fare wouldn’t do any good anyway. So I started walking to find the nearest store to find out where I was, and maybe get some help. Everything looked familiar but I couldn’t exactly place where I was. With every step my head pounded to the ringing in my ears. I pounded my head with my palm to try and make it stop but it didn’t. As I walked through the streets everybody all looked the same, beaten and shameful but somehow they all seemed to single me out and give me dirty looks like I was the scum of the earth. Soon after a few minute I saw a gas station up ahead, it looked abandoned but there was a light on so I decided to take a chance.  I opened the door and noticed there was no one inside so I took it upon myself to take some cigs from behind the counter, a lighter, a bottle of whiskey, bandages, and some rubbing alcohol. As I was walking out and I saw a small Chinese man running towards me out the corner of my eye screaming; 

Hey where are you going with my shit you little thieving fucker!?                                                                                                    

As soon as I heard his voice I bolted out the door and ran down the street till I found a safe place to hide behind a CVS. I sat down on the ground and sat my stuff down, my heart was beating fast and my legs and arms wouldn’t stop shaking. My body was killing me, so I took my shirt off and rolled up my pants legs, I grabbed the rubbing alcohol and poured it all over my cuts on my legs, arms, face, abs, and back. The burning was a relief from the pain I felt before. I lit a cig and wrapped my cuts in bandages. My body still hurt but I felt clean at least. I took the last hit of my cig and took a swig from my bottle of whiskey then laid on my back letting my body heal and my mind float away into a peaceful bliss. I soon fell asleep with a bottle in my hand in the back of a broke down CVS, I felt complete.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

I opened my eyes and seen a large black man  standing in front of me holding a 9mm glock in my face.                                                                                                                                                                          

Shake out your pockets or I’ll shoot you in your motherfucking face!                                                                              

I don’t have anything.                                                                                                                                                                                

I’m not playing with you! Shake em out or Ill blast you’re fucking brains out!                                                            

I told you I don’t have anything.                                                                                                                                                         

You think I’m playing with you!?                                                                                                                                                                          

He pistol-whipped me in the face, grabbed my shirt and put the gun to my temple.                                       

Imma ask you one more time. Empty your pockets!                                                                                                                     

I sat there and looked him in the eyes.                                                                                                                                         

You don’t have the balls.                                                                                                                                                                           

He stared back at me, and pressed the gun farther into my temple. I could feel the pressure of the barrel buried into my skin, but I stood my ground.                                                                                                                                     

Pull it mother fucker.                                                                                                                                                                                 

He stopped for a moment then pushed  me to the ground.                                                                                                

You aren’t worth shit anyway, I aint even wastin a bullet on yo ass.                                                                                          

He walked away in shame and I laughed in his embarrassment. I got up and felt a rush of accomplishment but I despise feeling this way, because even if he just tried to rob me, he was right I’m not worth shit, not even a goddamn bullet.  I’m not better than him I’m a heroin addict, alcoholic and crack head who woke up in the gutters and just robbed a liquor store. I don’t deserve to live, I wish that man had the balls to shoot me in the head; I’m going to die soon anyway, why not now.                                         I picked up my bottle and cigs and put them in my pocket. I walked to the closest gas station to find out where I was, I saw a Shell right ahead of me so I ran across the street. A car came flying across and almost hit me but sadly stopped just in time.                                                                                                                             

Watch where you’re going asshole!                                                                                                                                                

Sorry sir.                                                                                                                                                                                                 


I walked the rest of the way across the street to the Shell gas station and walked inside. I saw a very tall black man standing behind the counter. I asked the clerk;                                                                  

Excuse me, where am I?                                                                                                                                                                           

You’re in a gas station.                                                                                                                                                                                

He said with a laugh.                                                                                                                                                                                   

No I’m just messing with you kid, can’t you take a joke? You’re in bright moor kid, must have had a rough night huh?                                                                                                                                                                                                

Something like dat                                                                                                                                                                                         

Where you from?                                                                                                                                                                             


Well what are you doing down here?                                                                                                                                               

Just on vacation.                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Oh I see well if you need some good crank  you know where to find me.                                                            

Thanks will do.                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Even the clerk could pinpoint me out as a Fein. I never tried crank but I always wanted to. I left the gas station and looked at the cars in the lot. Every time I passed one I pulled the door handle to see if anyone was stupid enough to leave it open.                                                                                                                       





Hell yeah!                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

I popped open the car door and looked inside, nothing was there but a dirty old ripped blanket. I noticed the windows were all dirty and broken. I got in and bent down to try to hotwire it but the damn thing didn’t work anyway.                                                                                                                                                                                 


I reclined the chair and grabbed the blanket from the back and threw it over my body. My body was so cold I didn’t care that it smelled like pee. I sat up and took a huge gulp from my bottle, I pressed my lips together from the burning sensation it gave my stomach from not eating all day. I put it back up to my mouth and took another huge gulp. I laid back and went to sleep.                                                                                                              

Tap, Tap, Tap!                                                                                                                                                                                                     


Tap, tap, tap!                                                                                                                                                                                                       


Excuse me sir but you can’t sleep here, go home.                                                                                                                   

I opened my eyes to the sound of his voice, I looked out the window and seen a police officer standing outside the car.                                                                                                                                                                                             

Oh I’m sorry I was just taking a quick nap. I’ll be on my way.                                                                                                                                                               

Quick nap? People reported you were out here all night                                                                                                                             

Really? I’m sorry I didn’t know I slept here that long I’ll be on my way.                                                                              

Okay kid, go home or anywhere else but here.                                                                                                                                   

Okay thank you.                                                                                                                                                                                   

                  I waited till he walked away from the car so I could get out. I grabbed my cigs and lit one and took a gulp from my bottle. I looked around thinking of what my next move should be. I decided to see if any of my friends were home so I can spot some money for a couple rocks and a cab ride. I stated walking in the direction I think there house is in. after about an hour and 30 minutes of walking, a half pack of cigs, and an empty bottle I started to notice everything looked familiar so I knew I was close. My body started to feel really heavy and I was getting really tired, I don’t even know where I would be going even if I did get cab fare, maybe my friend Justin would let me stay a few nights until I get back on my feet. After about 20 more minutes I notice my friend’s house out the corner of my eye, my face lit up with joy, I knew I would know my way around. I walked up to his house and knocked on the door.                              

Malik, Angle! Open up its Ronnie!                                                                                                                                                                 

I waited for a response but there wasn’t one, so I went to the back door and knocked on that one. 

Malik, Angel! I’m out here nigga!                                                                                                                                                             

I went to a window and looked in but there was no one. I went back to the back door to see if it was open and it was. Nigga needs to learn to lock their damn doors. I walked inside and the smell of weed and crank smacked me in the face. I looked around and the place was trashed like usual. Dirty needles and packs on the ground, crack pipes and tinfoil, rappers and trash. I stepped threw it all making my way to his room looking for something, anything, I just need to get high, I found some Reggie on his dresser with a bowl. I figured its better than nothing so I grabbed it, sat on his bed and packed it in the bowl, and lit up. I lay down and was staring up at the ceiling waiting for one of them to come. 20minutes later I heard a car pull up in the drive way and someone get out. I sat up on his bed and walked to the living room. The door opened and I saw it was Malik, he looked high as fuck like he been chain smoking crank all day.                                                      

Was sup Malik? Long time no see.                                                                                                                                                    

What the fuck are you doing in my house?                                                                                                                                        

What do you mean?  You left the door unlocked like usual so I came in to wait for you, was that not ok?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I don’t know you tell me.

He pulled out his semi-automatic and put it to my head, I looked in his eyes and Malik wasn’t there. My heart sped up with fear. I backed up closer to the back door.                                         

 I’m sorry I can leave I just though you could help me out, but I’ll just go.                                                           

Help you?  why in the fuck would I help a pig? Get the fuck out my house!                                                                

He fired at his ceiling as a warning shot.

I got the message and ran out the back door. I ran at least 2 blocks from his house and sat down on the curb. I have no cigs and no liquor no dope, nowhere to go, I’m fucked. I thought about who else I know in Bright moor but all that came to mind is a few dealers that hate my guts and Payton. Payton is a pretty chill dude, maybe I’ll go over there. I started walking to his house; I don’t think it was that far from Malik’s and Zach’s house.  But before I knew it, it was already dark. My body started to get cold from not having a shirt on and I felt helpless because didn’t have anything on me to defend myself. Maybe Payton will let me barrow a gun.  I got to his house and all of his lights were on, it was lit up like a Christmas tree, his music was blaring threw the walls I could hear it 2 houses down. I walked up to the house, with every step my heart started beating harder to the beat of the music.  Through the front door and seen people everywhere. I haven’t been to a party like this since I was 18. I walked through the crowd to see if I could find Payton.  But he was nowhere to be found down stairs. I see woman dancing on men, woman dancing on woman and I see a girl sitting by herself doing some lines and smoking a cig. She looked beautiful; she had long burgundy hair that complemented her body that was really tiny, and her light skin. I walked up to her; my heart was beating really fast. 

Hey, I was wondering if you knew where I could find Payton, do you know him by chance.                                        

She lifted her head up and gave me a blank stare, sat back in her chair and took a hit from her cig.                   

If you don’t its okay.

I looked in her eyes, no one was there. Her eyes were a light olive green, I wanted them as mine.

I do

Can you tell me where he is?


She sat there and closed her eyes for a couple seconds.                                                                                                                                                                                          

She stud up and started walking away, her head was only up to my chest.                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

I followed her up the stairs, and we maneuvered our way through everybody. My mind was stuck on how beautiful she was, her body swayed to the beat of the music. We walked to the end of the hallway and went in a room where everybody was snorting coke and shooting up, I saw Payton sitting in the corner on the floor, there was a brown headed girl sitting on his lap, making out with another girl, he did a line, took a hit of loud and broke the 2 girls up to make out with the brunet. I walked over to them and tapped Payton on the shoulder.

Can we talk?

Can’t it wait?

I guess but I need a place to stay or some cab fare.  

You can stay here as long as you want, party don’t stop nigga!                                                                                     

Everybody held up their drinks and cheered.         


I tuned  toward  the olive green eyed girl.

Thank you.

She nodded her head.

What’s your name by the way?

Melisa and yours?


You wanna get high?

What you got?

Anything you want.

We sat down on the floor a guy handed her a blunt; she took a hit and passed it to me. I took a long drag and instantly my lunges burned I started coughing immediately.

Damn what is that, strong as fuck.

She started laughing and said it’s PCP. My face got really hot and my mind went completely blank.


You what?

Nothing I just.

Are you okay?

I looked at her in her face. My mind was filled with a thousand thoughts. Everything was moving so fast but her face stayed still, I put my hand on her face, it felt like sandpaper, it had a tint of pink. My hand was stuck on her face I couldn’t move it. Her eyes were stuck on mine, she wouldn’t blink, I wouldn’t blink, she wasn’t breathing, I wasn’t breathing, I tried to scream but nothing came out. I wanted my hand back,  give me my hand.

Give me my hand!

I blinked and she was no longer looking at me but sitting next to me cutting some lines.  She looked over at me;

You okay? Thought I lost you for a minute, guess you never did PCP before?

Um no.

Everything still looked distorted. She looked at me and asked;

You done coke before?

Yeah,  get it out.

She leaned over and snorted three lines with a rolled up dollar bill.

She passed the dollar and the mirror with 3 more lines on it. I leaned over and snorted all three, my nose burned with pleasure. I haven’t snorted coke in a while only freebase. I don’t know what her drug of choice was, and I didn’t want to scare her away with mine, but I can’t wait any longer I needed heroin.

You got any boy?

No but I know who dose.

I figured she had to use if she knew who got some. She stud up and grabbed my hand, my heart stopped and butterflies bloomed in my stomach her hands were so tiny and soft. She walked out the room and I followed. We went down the stairs, the music was much louder down here, everybody was high as a kite and dancing, they all looked like cartoons and everything was so colorful. We went to the basement where I saw Angel; he was with a bunch of other people getting high.

Yo was sup angel? Haven’t seen you in a minute.

Hey Roni-boy what’s good? I could tell he was doped up, his eyes dragged low and his speech was slurred, it made me want to use right then and there. Melisa had a confused look on her face.

You know him?

Yeah for a while now, he’s like my brother.

Oh I didn’t know you were from here.

I’m not.

Where are you from?



She turned to Angel and asked;

Can we get some boy?

I knew by the look on her face she never did it before but I wasn’t going to say anything. Angel reached in his book bag and pulled out a couple rigs and a speed ball.

Yeah, sit down.

Melissa looked at me then back at Angel.

no we actually have to go we can just do it in the car.

Aight, I’ll see you around roni-boi.


She grabbed the speed ball and rigs and paid him. We started up the stairs the music was too loud to talk so I just followed her threw the house and out the door to her car.

Why did we come out here?

It was just way too cramped in there.

I agree, we finna shoot it in your car or not?

Actually let’s go back to my place.

I got irritated because it seemed like she was avoiding it, and I just want to get high already but I liked her so much I went along with it.

Okay, let’s go. We got in and she started to drive, she looked so pretty when her hair flowed in the wind. I just wanted to kiss her full li…

You hungry?

Uh oh yeah. I don’t have any money with me tho.

That’s okay ill pay for you, takeout?

Whatever’s okay with me.

You like Chinese food?


I smiled at her and she smiled back, I felt embarrassed for not having any money on me, but I was so hungry I just had to eat. We sat in awkward silence so I decided to make small talk.

Nice car you have.

Thanks just got it.

Must have cost a lot?

No I didn’t pay, when my grandpa passed he passed it down to me, I couldn’t afford that with my job. 

Oh I’m sorry for your loss. Were you guys close?

Yeah we were real close, when he died I kind of gave up, I wish I could have stayed strong for my sister. My grandpa was like my father, and my grandma was like my mother. My real mother passed away giving birth to me so I never really got a chance to meet her. And my father passed away along with my little sister from a drive by shooting. My grandma and grandpa decided to take me in and care for me like I was their own.

I looked in her olive green eyes and kissed her on her cheek; she kept her eyes on the road and smiled.

See after everything you been through you can still wear a smile on your face, you are strong.

Thank you Ronnie, but enough about me. What do you want to eat?

Man I could eat anything I’m starving.

We pulled into the parking lot of the ChineseFuu. We got out the car and walked in. I got an evil glare from the Chinese lady behind the counter when we first walked in. I walked up to the counter she was whipping,  and I glared back. Melissa smiled at her and started ordering our food.

Can I have shrimp fried rice and an egg roll?

She turned to me and grabbed my hand.

What would you like?

Um can I get egg fuuyon patty and shrimp fried rice, with soy sauce?

The Chinese lady only stared at us like we were speaking a different language.

Melissa looked at me with a confused look on her face then back at the lady.


15$ dolla

Oh course

Melissa reached in her pocket and pulled out a 20$ and handed it to the lady. The lady gave her, her change back and we sat down at one of the tables to wait for our food. The place’s aroma smelled like fish and dead corpses when they started to cook our food, I could barely breathe but I sat there in contempt for  Melissa’s sake and we waited in silence. Trying not to open our mouths from fear of being able to taste the aroma. The place looked like nobody has eaten there in years and by the smell of it I know why.

Egg fuuyon patty, shrimp fried rice, and eggroll!

The little Chinese lady yelled our order to let us know our food is ready even tho we were the only ones there. We got up and grabbed our food.

Thank you.

She blankly stared at us without saying it back. We turned around and walked out of the restaurant and back to the car. We got in and shut the doors and pulled off, after about a minute of driving the car soon smelled like fish and dead corpses. We rolled down our windows and tried to ignore it, all I could think about anyway was getting high. . After 5 minutes of dead silence in a car that smelled like dead people we finally arrived at her apartment, I was ready to get high! We got out the car and grabbed our food. Her apartment building looked old and raggedy. We went inside and the inside looked even worse, but I was used to it.  

Sorry for the mess, I haven’t had a chance to clean lately, been busy with work and what not. Want to eat?

Um not right now, the smell of it kind of killed it for me.

 I agree.

We sat on the couch and she turned towards me, so you never told me about yourself?

 What do you want to know?


Um okay well in a short version, I’m the only child I was born In Detroit and moved to Southfield shortly after my mom and dad split up, my dad has always been abusive to me and my mom, but I always had Angle and Malik by my side which helped a lot. But I started getting depressed when I started middle school I don’t really know why and I started smoking weed and drinking, then I moved on to popping pills like Benzos, Oxy, and Vicodin, and Rita then I started doing harder drugs like coke, heroin, then crack and subs. But by that time I was long gone with relationships with my family, I didn’t know myself anymore and I lost everything and everyone I ever loved. My dad kicked me out at the age of 16 and I been living on the streets ever since. Now I really don’t know what to do with my life.

She looked me in my dirt brown eyes and kissed me on the cheek. I looked her in her olive green eyes and smiled.

See after everything you been through you can still wear a smile on your face.

I kissed her on her lips and whispered;

Thank you

She kissed me on my neck and whispered;

You’re welcome.

We sat there for a minute holding each other. She got up and sat on my lap, my heart stopped in shock. She was kissing and sucking on my neck, I put my hands on her waist, feeling every curve of her tiny body. I lifted up her shirt and over her head. I started to kiss her cheek, down to her neck, and down to her breasts. For the first time in a long time I felt loved, I was in love. We had sex that night and afterwards all I could think about was her, not using, not drinking, not anything but her. I untangled myself from her clutch and went to her bathroom to shower. When the warm water rolled over my skin, my head started to fill with thoughts of using and drinking. I was trying to let the water wash those thoughts away, but their claws remanded stuck in my skin.  I rubbed my skin dry, trying to declaw my thoughts but the more I rubbed the more they came. I quickly hopped out the shower slipped and fell face down on the floor. I lied there for a moment on the cold floor, it felt good. I got up and dried myself off with a towel. I didn’t want to put my dirty clothes back on but I had no choice, I put my boxers on and left the bathroom I looked for the speed ball in her clothes from last night. When I found it in her pants pocket I quickly got to work, my body moaned in hunger. I went to the kitchen to grab a cup of water and a spoon I went back to the bathroom and tied my arm off with one of her shirts. As soon as the needle penetrated my skin I instantly fell in love all over again. I slid down the bathroom wall and sat there in bliss. It took about three small rigs full to barely get high, I was being nice and let her have the big one. My body thanked me, I got up and walked to the bed where my beautiful Melissa was sleeping, I woke her up with a kiss on the forehead.

Good morning fool, Want to get high?

Good morning baby, and yeah but this early?

There is no early in dope baby girl.

You’re right, let me get it.

 I already got it, wait here.

I kissed her on the cheek and went to the bathroom to get another fix; I went back to the bedroom and tied her off with her shirt.  I put one of the needles in her arm and shot the speed ball in her vein, she was shanking from fear. She lays down on the bed, I went back to the bathroom to get her another fix. I shot that one up her arm and her eyes went wide.

I kissed her lips and lay next to her.  I was too high to think clearly, I didn’t know what to do but lay there. She stayed lying on the bed; I got up and went outside to go for a walk to the gas station to steal some liquor. When I got back I went to the bedroom where Melissa was sleeping. I kissed her on her lips, I didn’t feel her breathing and I instantly panicked, I shook her for her to wake up, but I got no response, I smacked he cheek a couple times and gave her CPR but still no response. Tears started to roll down my face.

Melisa, baby please, Melisa, Melisa! Wake up!

My heart started beating fast and I didn’t know what to do. I checked her pulse and I didn’t feel a thing but her cold skin agents mine. She had thrown up all over herself and her eyes were shut, my first instinct was to run. I put my pants on and took one of her night shirts. I grabbed the speedball and ran out of the house in fear. I didn’t know what to do, please, please don’t let her die, don’t let her die! Tears started rolling down my face. I ran down the street to the nearest pay phone. I was asking any and everybody  for a quarter, finally after 10 minutes of begging I got one from an old lady who looked so happy just to be alive, she made me jealous and angry inside, all I wanted to do was die so I cold be with my sweet Melissa. I put the quarter in the slot and called 911

Hello 911 what’s your emergency?

My girlfriend O.D’ed in her apartment on 5th street, I didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

I hung up. Fell to my knees and started crying.


                  I got up from about a half an hour of straight crying, sitting on the curb of the gas station. I decided to walk back to Payton’s house because I had nowhere else to go and I was hoping Angle would still be there. I ran out of tears but the feeling was still there.  When I got to Payton’s house the party had died down, I walked inside and saw no one but a trail of their presents. I stepped through all of the trash on the floors to find Angel, for some crack. I called his name a few times but no one answered. I went to the basement first to look, but neither Payton nor Angle wasn’t there, I then went upstairs to the guest room to find him sitting on the floor slumped. I called his name but there wasn’t a response, I shook him but still no response.

Fuck, Angel wake up!

I shook him again and tears started to roll down my face. I felt for a pulse and their wasn’t one.

No, no, no, no! Please god! Why are you doing this!

I heard someone come through the front doors; I was in too much of a shock to move. I heard someone yell;

Put your hands up and get up slowly!


I did what he told me.

Turn around!

I turned around; tears were still falling from my face.

Walk forward and put your hands behind your back.

He hand cuffed me and turned me back around.

You have the right to remain silence, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have to right to a defense attorney, if you can’t afford one, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand your rights?


He patted me down took everything out my pockets which was; a lighter, an 8ball, a couple dirty rigs, and a few lint balls. He put them in a clear baggy, dragged me to the cop car, and threw me in. I see the paramedics rush in. I couldn’t think about anything but Melissa and Angle, they didn’t deserve to die, it’s my entire fault. After about a few minutes we took off to the police station. Tears were still rolling down my face. They questioned me about the death of Angle Ferrari, and came to the conclusion I wasn’t guilty. They also tracked the phone call made to 911 about Melissa Olkmen and recognized it was me. They gave me a pee test and I showed up positive for opiates, weed, and amphetamines. The charged me for position and being under the influence.  They sentenced me to 2 years.