Everything before me was vibrant. The sound of chatter and laughter filled my ears. And there was me, walking through the crowded halls. The only thing dull was I. I was filled with no happiness. I felt empty inside.

 

I and remember: You chased them away. You shattered their solicitude for you.

This is your entire fault.

 

They left me stuck in this dark hole I’ve fallen into. And there was no escape. I’ve been climbing forever but always falling back down. My body wanted to fall down. But I kept trying to climb out. A force… It kept me moving. If only I could discover it

 

I threw off the weight of the backpack and fell into my chair. I slammed my geography books against the table. I let out a sigh.

 

I looked around. Everyone gave me a look that clearly meant that I wasn’t wanted. My face was blank. I wasn’t going to yell or scream or even cry because I don’t blame them.

 

My face darkened and my hands were trembling in my lap. I know I did something wrong, but I can’t place my finger on what to do next. What did I do? The bell rang out of nowhere and class started.

 

My teacher started droning on and on but my mind was somewhere else. The falling drops of rain outside… It was making a soft sound. And I walking with an umbrella at my side but closed tight...The rain falling down my face.

 

It felt so serene and peaceful. I closed my eyes. How I wished to be there, no one but me to tell me how horrible I am. Just myself…Being alone and free.

 

The ringing came again and everyone started leaving. I gathered all my things and headed outside to get out of this school. Finally time to leave.

 

I pushed the doors open and let the rain fall down on my face. I had no umbrella or raincoat but I didn’t care. I jumped in the muddy puddles; feeling like a 6 year old again.

 

Even though I’m in this dark hole … it’s somewhat yet peaceful. I don’t know why. People still look at me with disappointed faces above making me feel regret, bringing me tears… But it’s so calm.

 

I run through the pouring streets of the neighborhood. This moment didn’t last long though. Before I knew it, I’m in front of my house. Wow…how time can pass when you’re having a good time.

 

I grabbed my key from my pocket and unlock the front door. I turned the handle and stepped inside. I'll be home alone for a while. Mom’s getting a massage and Dad’s in a meeting.

 

Realizing I’m soaking wet, I went to my room to change my clothes. Soon after, I heard a beeping sound. I looked at my landline. It was that telemarketer again trying to sell me worthless junk.

 

I ignored his call; he had called me 46 times these past two weeks. It was such an annoyance. I flopped down on my bed.

 

I thought of all the things I did in the past. I thought of what I could’ve done to fix them.

But I cannot turn back the time. If I could, I would.

 

I should fix this. But I’m lost at what I can do. Say sorry? That’s not going to glue my friendships back. And it’ll be a really late apology. I should’ve said that earlier. Then maybe, just maybe I’d get a second chance.

 

I heard the door open. That was mom. I got off my bed and went to greet her. “Hi mom,” I said.

She smiled and asked, “did you do your homework, yet?” I replied, “I finished them in class.” She walked away to make dinner.

 

I looked at the quote written by the previous owner on the wall that we were too lazy to wipe off: It’s not how we make mistakes, but how we learn from them that defines us. Well, that was corny but true.

 

And no matter how many times I’ve seen that, I never learned from my mistakes. I need to but I don’t want to. I guess that’s how I lost all my friends.

 

I don’t want to ask for advice. They’ll always say the usual yada-yada. “Say sorry, I’ve learned from my mistakes,” they say.

 

It’s all true, but I’m too stubborn to listen. Do I want to get out this dark hole or not? I want to but I reject all the help there is and they leave me alone.

 

So in the end, it’s all because of my idiocy. I looked at the quote again, one more time. Should I think deeply about this? Do what I should do? Get out of the hole?

 

I stare at it for a while, only to shake my head and walk away. No, thank you. I don’t need friendly guidance.

___________________________________________

 

Another morning had come, another school day for me. The sun peeked behind the white fluffy clouds. The fresh air filled my lungs.

 

I walked on the paved sidewalk. My shadow followed me around every corner. Birds flew in the blue, cloudy sky.  The trees started to gain new leaves.  My fate was upon me.

 

I pushed open the doors to my middle school. I didn’t bother to go to my locker since everything I need is in my backpack. I went to my homeroom and slumped in my seat.  

 

I stared at the clock, like I always did and waited to go to my first class of the day. After for what seemed forever, the alarming ring came. I headed to my next class, which was Algebra.

 

After a few classes it was time for lunch. That’s when I Ms. Khan suddenly came. She was one of my favorite teachers.  “Hey Rachel, grab your lunch and come with me,” she said.

 

“I don’t have lunch today.” I replied. “Alright, follow me” She told me.

 

We walked around the corners, twists, and turns of this school. Finally she motioned me to a small, white room with no windows. It was the room that the students would come to talk and discuss to Ms. Khan about their problems. Or in other words, I would call it the therapy room.

 

Knowing that, I suddenly felt uncomfortable. “Am I in trouble or something?” I asked. Did my old friends talk about me and my mistakes?

 

“No, no, no. I just wanted to talk to you.” She explained. Phew! I almost died there

.

“So I know you have hard time with friends.” She began. Oh, no. This was a topic that I would rather not discuss. I told her about this before.

 

“Yeah,” I said feeling uneasy by the minute. “I don’t know about making friends and keeping them. I don’t have to courage to say sorry for my mistakes. I just feel like sorry isn’t enough.”

 

“Sorry is always the least you can do, and I understand you. It might be hard to say sorry. Sometimes you don’t want to bring the memory back to their minds.” She nodded. Ms. Khan really understood me. I’m grateful for that.

 

“And I think saying sorry too late is really horrible. And I should mention I haven’t said sorry for things that happened a really long time ago. But, if I mention it now, I think it’ll bring tension and embarrassment.” I looked down at the floor.

 

“But they eventually forget it. And it’s always important to move on. Don’t dwell on something that happened in the past. What matters is the choices you make in the future and how you learn from it.” Ms. Khan told me.

 

That reminded me of the quote left by the neighbor at home. I never thought about it. I guess I just needed someone to tell that to my face. Now this is being a childish moment when the kid realizes her mistake. And which is now happening in real life.

 

I smiled,” you’re right. I guess I never thought of that.” If I could watch this conversation, I’d be laughing on how dumb I was. When you think it’s really serious, it’s actually childish.

 

Ms. Khan looked at me, giving a grin with her sparkling, white teeth. I suddenly lost it and burst into laughter. I even started shedding tears.

 

I finally stopped and said to her, “I think I should go.” “That’s alright with me,” she said.

I burst out of the room and went to the cafeteria. I looked around. I spotted the table all my friends were at. I walked over and said, “hi.”

And from that day on, I was always with my friends. I finally escaped. I finally climbed out this dark hole.