New Year, New Diary
January 1, 2018 Since 2017 is over, I decided it’s time to start a new diary. This will now be a tradition. Even when I have kids, I’ll get them a diary every year. If they don’t always use it, that’s fine. I just want them to know they have a safe space where they can write everything down.
For those of you that come across this diary and have never seen the diary from 2017, I’ll fill you in. My name is Maddison Moch. I am 14, live in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I was diagnosed with depression mid-August, 2017. Before you do, don’t feel bad for me. It's not that horrible. Other than daily therapy, feeling down, and depression medicine, there’s not that much to it.
Before you start guessing, I’ll just tell you why I have depression. It’s not because I don’t like my body (even though I don’t) or because I’m a bully victim (even though I am) I have had a tough life. After I was about 9, I spent about 4 years in the foster system, before my parents finally got me back, after going through 4 programs about drug abuse. About a year later, they divorced. I see them both, but my mom way more than my dad. My dad is about to go to court for custody, but I won’t know what happens until the decision is final.
Everybody’s scared that my depression will worsen, to the point where I commit suicide. I have promised at least 15 people that it won’t. I’m not depressed to the point where I’d want to end my life. And I doubt I ever will be; I have friends, family, and just peers I know will be there for me.
“You’re getting better,” my therapist tells me.
I don’t really believe her, but she knows best. And to the reader, if there is one; I don’t write daily. Every few days. I might write two or three days in a row depending on if something fun, sad, or “juicy”, as my friends call it, happens.
January 4, 2018
Today was horrible. The “popular” girls are the worse. They consist of Emma, Kaitlyn, Kathryn, and Maddy. During gym, they broke almost every rule ever made in basketball. They traveled, double dribbled, didn’t take the ball back, and fouled like crazy. And when my team spoke up, they called us names, like “Sore Losers”, and “Dweebs”. They think that just because they’re a grade above us, they’re so much better. They think they’re so perfect when they all have their flaws. Kaitlyn, 17, yet in her sophomore year. She got held back in seventh grade when I was in sixth. Emma; She’s gotten expelled from at least 2 schools. Maddy, she has the worse lisp you’d ever hear. And last, but not least, Kathryn. She’s been dumped by more guys than there even are in our school. I don’t judge them for it, though. I know what it’s like to be judged. Being judged is very, very painful. I’m used to it though. I’ve been judged most of my life. By schoolmates, neighbors, even family. I vowed I would never judge someone based on their sexuality, race, height, weight, smarts, and anything else people are being judged by nowadays.
During lunch, I walked by the “cool and popular” boys. AKA, the jerks who think that they’re better than everyone else, just because they have the newest trends, they skateboard, and they play sports. It’s practically the same as “popular” girls stereotypes. I don’t understand how that makes them popular, though. I skateboard, I have the newest trends, and I play basketball. But, of course, they think that you have to be dumb and pretty to be popular, along with the things I listed. Anyways, I have a ton of homework, so I gotta do it. Bye, reader. (If one)
January 14, 2018
Big News!!! I, Maddison Moch, officially, have a boyfriend! That’s right, haters! For all of you who said I’d always be single, I’m dating one of the most popular guys in our school, whom I’ve liked, for let me count, 3 years!! OMGGGG. He asked me out today during Choir. I was so shook, I had to ask him if he was serious! He said it wasn’t a prank, dare, or joke. I’m SO happy! He and I are planning on hanging out Saturday, going to see the new Insidious movie, and then getting frozen yogurt afterward! I know this is a short entry, but I have to tell EVERYBODY!
January 28, 2018
It was all a lie. The “popular” brats planned it; Johnny would ask me out on a date, and then after we got frozen yogurt, he’d dump me. He said he’s sorry, and that he only did it to stay ‘popular’. My dad won… which caused my mom to practically disown me… This is how it went…
“I cannot believe you, Madison! I have tried so hard to keep you happy and healthy! And this is how you repay me? By leaving?!?” My mom cried, as I packed my clothes away into a box.
“Yes, actually, because somehow you managed to fail both of those at once,” I yelled. “Have you ever noticed that I got depressed after you were unloyal and went and cheated on Dad, then you left him, you talk bad about him, and he has never said a bad thing about you when he has a good reason, and you don’t!” I yelled. I knew I messed up. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. I thought something bad was going to happen for sure.
“Finish packing. After you leave, do not contact me. I will contact you when I choose to. That may be next week or next year. Until I am ready, I wouldn’t like to hear from you.” She said, angry and sad, as tears were falling from her eyes. As she walked out of the room, I started balling my eyes out. After everything I’ve been through, here she is just leaving me. Explains her. I think sometimes the only reason she didn’t let me move out by choice, was because she didn’t want to be lonely, even though she’ll have guys over every night, because, that’s just the mom I know. For a long time, I’d come home from school to the third guy of the week leaving. I love my mom, but even before her and my dad split, she was a tad bit of… well, a whore. Ah, my dad’s here! First day of happiness, here I come.
February 1, 2018
I’m ending it. This diary, my friendships, my life. Ever since the Johnny incident, everybody calls me a “whore” or a “reject”. And to add on to all of that, my mom still refuses to contact me. To my readers, I’m sorry. I left a letter on the counter…. Goodbye world… 4 Xanax, here I come…
November 21, 2018
I’m alive, believe it or not. My dad surprised me and came home early, and found the letter and got me to a hospital just in time.
“Mr. Moch, if you had brought her in any more than 10 minutes later, she would’ve died. Congratulations!” Dr. Spelp congratulated my dad. I spent about a month in the hospital. Since then, I haven’t been able to go back to school. I go back tomorrow. Yay :/. People will probably laugh, and call me a psycho. Just in time for homecoming. According to friends back at school, Johnny made new friends after what happened. He has no communication with the “popular” douches, and only hangs out with… my group. Mom has finally apologized. She came to see me a week after I went to the E.R. She said she was just overwhelmed, and upset. She said it’s my choice who I live with. I told her I’d think about it and get back to her. Well, I know there’s oh so much to write about, but, I have to get ready for school, unfortunately. Bye, Reader.
November 22, 2018
School was AMAZING. As soon as I walked in, everybody started clapping and cheering. All my friends came up and hugged me. Then the unimaginable happened. Johnny came up to me and gave me a hug. He told me he’s sorry for everything he did, and how unimaginably selfish he was. He asked if I was going to homecoming, and when I said if I could get a date, he asked me! He “pinky” promised (Old school, right?) it wasn’t a joke this time, and he’s had feelings for me since the before the “incident”. I’m really happy I survived. Death seems like a scary thing, but I didn’t realize that until what I thought were my final moments. If you’ll excuse me, I have a hoco date to text xD <3.
December 1, 2018
Sorry I haven’t written in so long! Hoco was AMAZINGGGGG. I wore a red velvet dress, with golden bedazzled straps, black wedges, and a pink flower headband, with pink roses and daisies. Johnny wore a cute, handsome looking maroon-ish suit, with a black tie. The night was amazing. We laughed, held hands, slow danced and…. At the end we…. KISSED! It was as we were ending the final slow dance, All Of Me, by John Legend. It was magical. I’ve never been happier in my life! It’s weird, I cannot believe that 2018 is already coming to an end. Life is crazy. This will probably be my last entry… I have exams coming up, boringgg, ughhh. Well, goodbye reader. Hope you enjoyed my 2018 diary :).