Over the Rainbow

My dog died one day in November. Ever since everything felt numb and unfeeling. The world turned gray and cold. Maybe my reaction was a little overboard to some people- but to me? To me it was normal. My dog- Lucy- had been my best friend. Simple things reminded me of her… The ducks in the park that she would bark and chase after, the feeling of excitement that she would get whenever I came home from school, and even parks where we would run and roll in the grass. The thing was that she was all around me, and I could not get rid of her memory, but maybe I didn’t want to. I just needed to accept her death and become my old self.

The day I finally accepted her death was a day in the park. We had gone here all the time with her and I could almost make out the ghosts of my laughs I had shared with my best friend. Another fit of crying came. By now I was used to them. I usually tried to hide them but today I just didn’t care. The tears streamed down my face. Each one representing a memory I had but could never make again. I lay there for a long time trying to stop but not being able to. A light drizzle started as I was in the grass. All my tears that had fallen into the ground were now coming from the sky. Soon after, it stopped, displaying a beautiful rainbow. I then realized that this is what I had been missing. The light after darkness, or the rainbow after the storm. Staring at the rainbow I saw the colors that jumped out at me.

The first one was red. Red like the color of Lucy’s tongue when she was licking my face. Or the feeling red represents- love. I loved Lucy more than I can express.  But it was also the color of the spots of anger that appeared in my mind when I heard she had cancer. That nothing could be done. That we had to put her down or let her suffer. I must accept that now. She died peacefully. One color down and one acceptance towards Lucy’s death.

Next, I saw bright orange. Orange meaning playfulness. I can just remember her romping along in the backyard, a rope in her mouth and fierce pleasure and determination in her eyes. The color of joy which she gave me every day with the simplest of actions. Joy is what I saw in her eyes every day. But it can be pessimistic, a habit I have started to take over since her death. Trying not to be happy because she can’t anymore. With that color of the rainbow, I gave away the pessimistic actions that have been plaguing me ready to be the happy optimist that everybody knew and loved. Accepting the good and getting rid of the bad.

I moved on to the next color-Yellow.  Yellow is an easy one. Yellow meaning warmth and happiness. Whenever I was in a bad mood or sad about a certain something Lucy would come and nudge me. Then she would come and lay her head in my lap and lick my hand for comfort. Happiness is the memories where we ran like the wind and ate pieces of fruit by the lake. Hope- representing yellow- is the one thing I tried to cling on to when I heard the news. I tried with all my might and all the hope I had it ended up fading in the end. That led to my next feeling I associate with yellow. Cowardice. I was a coward when I locked myself in my room unable to face anyone, even my dad who was experiencing the same things as me. A coward when I was unable to admit my problems with my friends when they asked me why I was acting so different. Like the wind blowing my hair and rustling the grass in the park, I let my cowardice breeze past me, a picture of the past. I will confront my friends, tell them what’s been going on, and I know they will be there for me.

Next, I come to green.  Harmony, growth, and fertility. Growth representing the years I grew with Lucy both of us learning new things and sharing the same experiences. Then, safety. Safety representing my comfortable feeling when it was a stormy night and I was curled underneath the blanket with her, knowing she would protect me. Or when I was home alone late hours into the night, the softest of noises making me jump, I would look to the side and I would see my best friend -my loving dog- and know that she was guarding me and that nothing could get past her. I slept soundly those nights. But with green also came greed and jealousy. The greed of wanting to always keep her by my side because she always made me feel at my best. And now jealousy. When I see other people with their dogs laughing and smiling, the only thing I can think of now is that I wish I had that. I wish that my dog's life could be traded for theirs. Now I realize they would be feeling the same way if our situations were switched.  I let these feelings go to the air, letting them be swept up and taken.

Moving on. Blue. It had always been my favorite color. Laying down with Lucy, it was the color we saw when we looked up at the sky. Blue has also been associated with calm. When it was just me and my dog against the world I was kept calm, refreshed and happy by her crazy antics. Blue has also been known to go with the term aloof. I learned this last year and never understood. Now I do. Cold and distant- this is exactly what I have been. Not letting anyone get to close to me. Even the people that mean the most to me. I let this aloofness go, tonight transforming back into my open and expressive self.

Indigo was up. Indigo meaning sincerity. Lucy always was sincere. I believe all dogs are. She would always try to be there for you no matter what, always by your side. Faith- another symbol of indigo- something I could always keep up when I had Lucy. No matter how bad things were I tried to keep faith always and forever. I only lost it once and that was when she was no longer there to help me keep it. I would pick my faith back up. I can have it again, for other people and for myself. I had restored my faith and again it was all thanks to my dog. I realized another meaning of indigo. Not being able to work without organization. As the other colors made me realize Lucy was my organization and calm. That’s why I couldn’t work when she was gone. Breathing a calming breath, I vowed to take back my own functions and be able to work again. Even if my organization had left. I could do it again.

The final color, as always in a rainbow, is violet. Violet, as in imagination and creativity. All the different adventures I went on with Lucy and all the different places we visited. Granted most were in our heads but it still counted. She was the best inspiration, always listening when I got older and wrote my fantasies down. Infinite energy has also been linked with violet. Now if one thing described Lucy, it was infinite energy. Her rambunctious personality is what drew people towards her, including me. After tons of playing she still couldn’t sit still always wandering and following me around the house. Even if she got in my way I loved every second of it. Like any other color, violet represents something bad since Lucy’s death. For this color, its attitude, which I have been tending to get more often. I feel a fierce desire to talk back so I can show I am handling myself and I’m fine when really, I was breaking apart. All the snarky comebacks and words snapped at people are all my emotions just boiling over. Letting my attitude go into the soil and earth I’m lying on, I change. Now I’m the happy- go- lucky person, everyone wanted to be friends with. This is who I really am.

Letting all these feelings go with the fading daylight I felt lighter than I have in years. The world was once again colorful to me.  My feelings – negative and positive- were now with Lucy. I had let them go this day and now her and all our memories were safe and peaceful. Maybe someday I would join her, but that day was far away. I was happy once again and I knew she was watching over me, in her own place, somewhere over the rainbow.