You Left Me

Trigger warning: This contains events with suicide, depression, and anxiety if you are in crisis call 1-800-273-8255

Dear Bella,

Entry 1: September 10, 2017

I have faced many changes in my life. Nothing could ever prepare me for your death. A lot has happened over the last two years. A lot has has happened since you left. Everyday I try to pretend you are still by my side and sending me random selfies on snapchat. Just to make me laugh. But at the end of the day you are not here anymore. It’s like a hollow spot. So I’ve decided to write you a letter about all the things that I’m going through and what we went through together. Do you remember us sitting on your teal bean bag singing the most random songs on a Pandora playlist? Or that time when we were in the back seat of my grandpa’s car getting a McDonalds sundae at 1 a.m.? You were like a sister to me and you always lit up my day. I can’t believe it has almost been two years. Everyday I seem to forget the little things. Like you always had a pen for everything. Or like how you always had leggings on. I’m sorry I was so annoying. I’m sorry that I talked about myself a lot. A million times over I’m sorry that I couldn’t have been there for you. I regret it everyday.

Entry 2: September 9, 2017

It was September your favorite month because of the pumpkin spice lattes. You were always a trend follower. I was walking into my dance studio you knew I spent a lot of my time at. As I walked in people were glaring at me. Almost like I did something wrong. I put my bag down and then I felt a warmth behind me. Not the good kind of warmth. The warmth that makes the hairs on your neck stand up. I turn around and see a girl with Birkenstocks.

The first words that came out of her mouth were,

“Why are you here? You know you are not good enough for this place.”

Suddenly I felt a jolt from behind me. It was a hand forcing me back. One covering my eyes and one holding my arm. I sat up and saw a line of blue ink on my tights.

I did not look at her as I got my shoes and left. I sat on the bathroom for what felt like a year holding back my tears. It didn’t work I felt cold tears stream down my red hot face. So I texted you. It was the first thing I thought of. You responded with

“I hope she steps on a lego”

I have never laughed and cried at the same time before. Now I look at my texts with you and think about how if I send you another text you would never see it. How could you? You are gone.

Entry 3: December 20, 2017

It’s been over a month now. I miss you. I miss going to the park with you every Thanksgiving. Christmas is around the corner. It will never be the same without you. Remember when my grandpa died and he predicted the exact date of his death? Do you think there is more after death? Or am I writing to someone that can’t hear me? I hope this reaches you. It’s all I can hope for. After you died there was something that tells me that you are somewhere but I can’t tell if it’s just my mind hoping you still exist. I miss the way you sang at your solo singing competitions. I miss the way that you always let me steal your blankets. I miss everything about you.

Entry 4: New year's day 2018

Guess what? I have done my New Year's resolution every day this year! I wish that you were here to take Daisy on a walk in a go cart. Daisy is no longer a puppy and is overweight for a pug now. You would say that she is ‘Thicc’ but I’ll say it for you. Let’s not body shame the pug. I can’t believe I’m going into a year without you. It feels like I’m leaving you behind in 2017. Please come back. I wish I could call you. In fact in force of habit today I picked up my phone and called your number. There was no response. I just felt a rush of coldness run through my veins as I fell lazily on a sofa. I wish I could ‘catch up’ with you one last time. I wish I could send you another birthday card. I wish I could tell you “I’m here for you.” But I can’t I was to late…

Entry 5: March 16, 2018

It’s been awhile since you left me. The thoughts I’m battling are getting worse everyday. At first it started to creep up on me quietly.  Now I feel like I’m drowning with the weights of life forcing me to the bottom of the ocean. It seems that every little thing sends me on a down spiral. Like dominos everytime something goes wrong I get out of control and break apart and I can’t stop myself. Everyday I put on a mask or a play everyday and it starts to cost me more, and more. I’ve lost friends because, ‘I’m fake’. Some days I feel nothing, some I feel everything at once. I can only sit down and cry as I lay on my bed. Waiting for texts from nobody. Why does everyone hate me? Today at school in Spanish class someone said

“You have a perfect life, Your parents are together, You have friends, stop being so depressed. What gives you the right to be depressed?”

I ended up walking down the hall crying because, does he really think I don’t know that? I’m the one that has to be stuck in this person everyday. That’s the thing. Depression does not care what you think. Depression is not a decision. That’s only how it looks on the surface. Little do they know my friends constantly stab me in the back. Everytime I try to join a new friend group I get cropped out of photos and bullied to the point where I physically can’t get out of bed. What’s the point if everyone hates me that much? I can’t leave my friend group because no matter how much they hurt me, I’ll be even more miserable without them.

I just don’t want to pull others down. I’m falling apart more and more. But no one notices. Only you did. But you left me behind.

Entry 6: August 24, 2018

Yet again I tried to escape. I can’t I’m trapped. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t think I can go to school for the rest of the school year. I drove home crying as the words went across my mind

“She wouldn’t do that”

Why is it everytime I try to escape the cage that traps me I get pulled back in for another round with the people that are hurting me more. I always get messages from “friends” that state

“You are overthinking it”

“That didn’t happen”

“I don’t trust you”

“Just calm down”

It’s times like this where I really wish you were wiping my tears Bella. I’m being eaten from the inside out no heart, no thinking, no emotions. I’m just a shell of my former self walking around all day hurting. That’s what nothing feels like. People keep telling me

“Time will heal you”

Time hasn’t healed me at all. It has just taught me how to live with the pain and emptiness of you being gone. Why is everyone leaving me? The worst part of it is remembering that they promised they never would.

Entry 6: October 31, 2018

Have you ever sat with a group of people knowing you are the least important person in the friend group and it wouldn't matter if you were there or not? Everyone loved you. Everyone that knew you still does. I hope you know that. Even if you may or maynot exist anymore I will always love the times we had. I will always love your personality and how you made my life glow. Even if yours isn't. Today I finally realized that the people I feel like I need the most are the people I’m better without.

Entry 7: February 2, 2019

I still miss you. No amount of time will ever change that. Not even death can take you away from me. I have better. I’ve changed. I’ve learned a lot from you. I learned a lot from life. I’ve learned that fake happiness is not better than sadness. I’ve learned that trying to fit in a body ideal will not make me happy. In the end all I wanted was to get better. To feel happy again. To get a glimpse of happiness that doesn’t end in an instant. I finally gotten myself together. I have learned to love the pain that life comes with. Pain teaches you. Pain helps you grow. Molding you into a better person. Although the world is full of suffering it is also full of overcoming it. The world is ugly and beautiful at the same time. It’s never too late to be happy again. No matter how many people that walk out of my life, I lost someone I loved. They lost someone who loved them. Pain is growth. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to get hurt. What matters is getting up for another round. No matter how hard life hurts me I will always get up. I learned that from you. You once said to me,

“You save everyone. Who saves you?”

I finally know the answer to that question. You saved me.