The light streamed through the open windows and the smell of astringent filled the air. As I sat near my sister’s bed, tears rushed down from my eyes. 

“Yue hua, I don’t have more time to live,” said Xiaoxue, my sister of 19 years.

“Xiaoxue, please don’t leave me!” I cried in Chinese. 

“I’m sorry, Yue hua, but my body won’t allow me to do that, '' replied my sister weakly, lying on the white sheets of the hospital bed.

“Please I beg you, Xiaoxue. Please don’t leave me.”

“Sis, don’t worry. I’ll always be watching over you just  as mom and dad had.” 

“But you can’t. I need you next to me on Earth.”

“I’m sorry, Yue hua, but I can’t anymore, but please I beg you not to tell anyone that I’m gone. I don’t want them to cry for me. The thought of someone worrying about me bothers me so much.

And those were the last words my twin sister said to me before her death. She was motionless, but her cherubic smile still shone on her face. She always wanted to bring joy to people’s lives, not to bring more attention upon herself. She tried to fight this disease, but it was so sudden. We didn’t realize her time was short. 

She was the only person in my life that cared for me. She saw my true self; instead of judging me on the outside, she helped me get through life every day.

Our parents died when we were 10, so our grandmother took us under her roof until we were old enough.  As the “older” sister, I was supposed to help around the house and support both of us, but instead, it was the other way around. Xiaoxue always helped our grandparents with cooking and cleaning the house while shut myself in my own room, crying about our parent’s death. When we looked for jobs, Xiaoxue worked as an intern at a game developing company and paid for everything, while I worked at a gas station.

It was always Xiaoxue that got everyone’s attention, and I was pushed to the side and left in the dark to deal with problems by myself. I was to blame for her slightest injury. I was always so jealous of her, how her world was perfect every day. She didn't have anything to worry about. It was easy for her to be liked by everyone. Not only that, but she was also the perfect girl: snow white skin, jet-black hair, beautifully shaped hazelnut eyes. I had the same features, but she was kind, athletic, and smart. I, on the other hand, was messy and awkward around people. Most of the time there wasn’t anything I could do without messing up. I would always drop whatever that was in my hands or make a mistake on what I was writing.

But still, I was always glad that she was constantly by my side whenever I needed her. Because of her, I was able to face the world.

I had no friends to talk to and comfort me; whereas, she was friends with everyone. Two days after she passed away, her best friend, Ye piao, came to our house and asked for Xiaoxue. I hastily answered that she wasn’t home and pushed her out the door. The sound of Xiaoxue's name brought tears to my eyes, making me cry for hours. Every time I looked into the mirror, I saw my sister. A thought came into my head, If I start acting like Xiaoxue, would people think I was her? Could I assume her identity?

The thought was scary, but somewhat exciting too. I wanted to know what it was really like to be liked by everyone. Was life all sunshine and rainbows for my sister every day? It was still early the next morning when I heard a knock at the door. 

“Hi, Yue hua, can you tell me where Xiaoxue is?” questioned Ye piao. 

I replied awkwardly, “Xiaoxue isn’t home again. I don’t know where she went.”

“That is strange. Last time I came by she wasn’t here either. Do you know if she changed shifts for her job?”

“Not that I know of,” I lied without even thinking.

“Well, I can wait here. Do you know when she is going to come back?”

“She probably won’t be back till morning. Why don’t you come back tomorrow?”

“Well, tell her to call me when she gets home.”

After Ye piao left, I could finally relax. When I was talking to Ye piao, it felt like I was putting on a mask and being someone different. The thought of being Xiaoxue reminded me that I needed to learn how to dress and do everything Xiaoxue did every day.

Entering Xiaoxue's room after she died felt creepy, with all her possessions still in place the way she left it. I quietly pushed opened her door, and the bright sunlight streamed through the open windows.

 I went to her closet. All her clothes were all so colorful compared to mine which was mostly black and gray outfits. I picked out a few items and tried them on. They didn’t look right on me, so I went to her desk and pulled out her phone. Scrolling through her pictures, each one bringing tears to my eyes, I fell back onto my sister’s bed.

Day after day I returned to her room. I slowly learned to dress like her, wear makeup, and talk like her. For some reason, it didn’t feel weird to me anymore that I was pretending to be Xiaoxue. I finally had enough courage to call Ye piao over and pretended to be  Xiaoxue. 

“Are you ok, Xiaoxue? You have been ignoring my calls for the past week!” demanded Ye piao. 

“I’m fine now. I was sick. Wanna go shopping?” I pretended to ask happily.

“Sure, why not?”

It has been almost a whole two weeks now since I became the new Xiaoxue. Sometimes her friends would question the things I do because of my old habits, but I always managed to make up excuses. Once in awhile, I wondered to myself if I should just stop this nonsense and tell all her friends that I’m just cloning my deceased sister to make myself feel better. But I always brushed that feeling off and pretended I never thought about it.

 I thought life would be perfect, but I was wrong. It all changed one day when Ye piao came pounding on the front door. 

“Hi, Ye piao!” I greeted her, but my facial expression changed when I saw tears flowing down Ye piao’s cheek.

“Why have you been lying to me!” screamed Ye piao.

“What do you mean?” I asked, slowly backing away from the door.

“You know what I mean!” yelled Ye piao as she shoved her phone into my hands.

The screen shattered as I dropped the phone on the ground when I saw the picture. It pictured Xiaoxue's tombstone, the one we had picked out together.      

“Explain to me NOW!”

“I have nothing to explain! I am Xiaoxue.”

“No, you are not! I know you are Yue hua! Stop lying to me and to yourself!”

“You have no proof that I’m not Xiaoxue.”

“The grave is enough proof!”

“There could be hundreds of other Xiaoxues in China that might have been buried in that graveyard!”

Fine, where is Yue hua then? She has been gone for almost a month now, and you don’t even know where she went. How about we call her!”

“ Wait, stop, please, I beg you!” I said, slowly melting to the ground. “I admit that Xiaoxue died a month ago, and a few days later I started to imitate her. She told me not to tell anyone that she died. I thought It would be a perfect chance for me to try on her shoes and experience what it felt like to be cared for by everyone. When I put on her shoes, I didn’t want to take them off again and instead hid my true self.

“Why!” shouted Ye piao as she ran out the open door.

I sat motionless in the same position for hours, salty tears running down my cheeks. When I finally came to my senses, I grabbed my car keys and slowly drove to the cemetery. I tried to stop the tears from coming, but they just flowed intensely. My vision became blurry as I heard the sound of honking in all directions. The airbag blew out into my face as I lost control of the steering wheel. 

My head forcefully hit the car window, glass shattering. Glass flew everywhere as I felt the pain of their cut everywhere on my body. A blast of fire started in the front of the engine. I vaguely heard people scream and sirens from far away.

My body grew weaker and weaker as I slowly faded away. 

Was this what Xiaoxue felt when she passed away or was this just the feeling because I caused such a sin in life? I didn’t want to close my eyes, but I was just so tired, tired of trying, tired of being someone else, tired of life. I'll just close them for a moment.

But I never opened them again.