Double Headed

"Of cóurse, " said the doorkeeper, "we calcúlate in the dime museum business "to deceive the public a little ijow and theu, hut as it is done for the Rmusement and instiuction of the public I don 't see as any one has any cali to complain. Suppose I do exhibit a freak that isn't quite genuine. If it Sraws, it is because the public likes it, in which case the public ought to be ïatisfled. If it doesn't diaw, tho public doesn't payout any money to see it and naturally doesn't feel that it is swindJed. Now, I was swindled once, and pretty bad, too, by an artificial freak, and it waa I and not the public that Buffered. If you want to hear about it, I'll teil you the whole story, though I shouldn't like it to be known in the profession, for it doesn't do any credit to me as a professional man. "I was eshibiting in Boston a good raauy years ago, and I am free to say that I was losing money. Boston doesn't seem to care for natural freaks. It goes in for philosophical and pbilanthropic treaks. '"I don't like tolose money any more than you do, and things were looking pretty blue for me when one day a carriage drives up to my door and a chap sends in word that he wanted to see me on professional business. Itoldmyman to show him in, and when I saw him I put him down for a rascal without waiting to hear him speak. He told me that he had just arrived trom Europe with a two headed girl, and that she was the biggest thing that any museum had ever offered to the public. He had her with him in the carriage, and I was the first manager that he had called to see since he landed. "Now, I knew well enough that a two headed girl is about the scarcest thing that a museum can get hold of. 1 never knew of but one specimen of this kind, and she was worth pretty near her weight in gold. "I went out to the carriage and had a look at the girl. There she sat. wrapped up in a big shawl. As far as I could see she was all right. Ányway there were two heads above the edge of the shawl, and they were as pretty heads as you could find in any English young ladies' seminary. If the two headed girl only corresponded to the sample I saw in the carriage, she would he the biggest attraction that Boston or any other city had ever seen. " Well, I went back to my office, and the fellow and I talked the thing over. He said the girl was a Laplander and couldn't speak a word of any language except Laplandish. She was 16 yeara old and had never been out of her native village uctil he had accidentally seen her and hired her for a five years' tour of the world. So far he had not exhibited hei anywhere, and he wanted her to make her debut in my show so as to give her a respectable standing in the professiou frotn the etart. Her term3 were $100 a week and a benefit every aix tnonths, and he said that he shouid ask any other manager $125. "I told him tobring in bis girl whera l could have a fair look at her, and then it would be time enough to talk about terins. Hebronght her in, and Inoticed that she climbed down out of the carriage with considerable difficulty. The agent helped her into my office, where she sat down on the sofa and smiled at me with both heads in a way that would have been dangerous if ehe had tried it on some managers that I know. " 'There she is,' said the agent. 'The only genuine white two headed girl the world has ever seen. Above the waist, whero she is ioiued together, she is perfect; two distinct girls, and good looking ones too. She's only got one pair of logs, which prevenís her from walking easy, but she is as strong and healthy as they make 'em, and there ain't the least danger that she'll die on your hands.' ' ' Then he spoke some gibberish, which I sapposed was Laplandish, to the girl, and she drew up the hem of her dress so as to show two nice little feet, and no more. Those feet ought to have awakened rny suspicion, for they were the regulation Boston size. But I was so anxious to find that she was genuine that I didn't notice that there was anyvhing wrong about her feet. " 'What do you say?' said the agent. 'Isn't she a first class attraction?' " 'She'll draw safe enough,' said I, provided she's genuine. 'I don't mean to say she ain't, but I've got to be sure about it before we can do any business. ' " 'Oh! It'e ftasy enough to prove that she is genuine,' says the fellow. 'I'vo got certificates from three of the leading physicians in Lapland, besides the affidavii of her father and mother and the ■parish priest. If they don't satisfy you, nothing will, and I shall have to take her to another manager.' " 'Show me the certificates!' said I. "Well, he produced tbem on the spot, and they seemed all right. Of course I couldn't read a word of thetn, but they had a lot of soaling waxon them, which ís alwaysconvincingand had a genuine official look. I wanted the girl so bad that perbaps it led me to be a Httle [ careless for once in my lifo. So I said to the agent that I would give him f25 a week and sign a contract with hirn for a j'ear. We argtied thé matter for about an hour, and tínally we carne to an agreement on the basis of $73 a week and tlirce benefits a year. It was the ci peBt prieel ever paid, but Iwas losIng iiioney at the rate of $öO u week, and I was ready to take almost any chance of bringing up the business again. Resides, 1 kuew that if tho two leaded girl didn't draw I should be ruinad anybow, and it didn't matter what I niight agree to pay, as there would l:e nu money to pay it with, wbereas. if she did draw, :a 1 expected she wohld, Í conld easily affoid to pay 75 a week for her. I always did go on :he principie of dealing liberally with seople, especially whon it is clear that :bere is notbing to be lost by it. "'WbiJe the agent and I were trying to get the best ot ooe another the two beaded girl sat with gome of her Qims aronnd both her necka and was that pa;ient and sweet tempcred in appearance ;hat I bcgan tohupe that for oi'ce I had :onnd a freak thatwouldn't beperpetually quarreling. I have. told you, 1 presume, freaks do nothing but qnarrel and iall in love. I don't wonder at their quarreling, seeing that they ara shut up together day and night and haven 't anything else to do, but it was a long time before I fonnd out wny they are continually falling in iove. It is because they don 't get auy exercise, except now and tben a drive m a closed carriage. ' " You never heard of a trapeza performer or a Btrong man falling m love. That 's becausethey workoff their affections on their m úseles. On the other hand, a fat woinan who never gets any exercise at all is always iu love, and tvo or three decp. Naturally the inore freaks fall in love the raore they quarrel, and there is bardly a day I don't have to smooih two or turee of them clown or threaten to lockthein up till they quit heavmg candlestieks and langnage at one another. "Well, I advertised my two headed girl the nest day, and when night came the house was paeked. Ralph Waldo Emerson jiimpelf couldn't have drawn better. The very best classes of Boston society came to see the two headed girl, and more women with more spectacles and more f alse teeth came into the show than I had ever seen before in my whole professional experience. "There wasn't the least doubt abont the success of the two headed girl. In the very first week I took in 8230 more than I had ever taken in in one week in my life before. The museum was crowded day and night, and every mother in Boston brought her children aud told them that the two headed girl taught some great moral lesson, and thattbey onsrbt to imítate her, or avoid imitating aor. or some other rubbish of that generr,] kind. I never pretend to vmderst;:id such thingsmyself. I don't associate with freaks to learn moral lessons froin them. When I want moral lessons, I'll go to Sunday school and get 'eni, instead of lowering myself to ask freaks to give me lessous. '"The two headed girl, as I have said in the beginning, was a Laplander and couldn't speak anything but Laplandish. She had been with me about a month when I was astonished one night after tho exhibition had closed and the freaks had sat down to their usual banquet of pickles and eider to hear one of her heads say to the otber: " 'You say that again, miss, and I'll tear your eyes out. ' "'Heilo!' says 1, 'thought' neither of you could speak any English.' "The girl bhished a donble blush on all four cheeks and said : ' We've learned considerable since we came to America, but we never try to speak English because it ain't professional - not in our case, at any rate. ' " 'That's all right, ' said I. 'Speak j what you like, only remember that I j don't allow no quarreling aroong my I people. ' ' ' The next áay I made inquiries about the two beaded girl and found that both ] of her were in love with the same young i man. He came to the show every day j and always brought bothof herfiowers. I found out afterward that he was a ) philosopher and was studying what he oalled 'The Psychological Character of Female Dual Consciousness as Exemplified In the Two Headed Girl of Lapland. ' I remember this because he wrote an article in The Atlantic Monthly with j that title, which would have' been a first ; class advertisement of the girl if she hadn't happeiied to have retired to private life when the article was published. He was a rather good looking young j fellow, and both the heads of the girl considered that he was in love with them. Mary, which is what we used to ! cali the right hand head, was sure that the young man was after her, and only ' gave flowers to Jane, who was the left hand head, in order not to give away the real state of his affections to the ' general public, while Jane was equally certain that it was she the young man was in love with, and that he considered the other head to be very much in the way. "The fatwoman, who sat close to the two. headed gir! on the stage, was really frightened at the way the two heads used to go on. She could hear them whispering to each other when the audieuce couldn't hear anything said. Maiy would put her cheek up against Jane's and smileso sweetly that the audieuce would say, 'How perfectly lovely!' but all the time she would be saying, 'I'd like to bite your ugly ear off, miss!' and then presently Jane would put her arm around Mary 's neck, and whisper: 'You mean, deceitful thing! Wait till we get to your room, and I'll let you know!' The fat woman, who was all the time reading dime novéis, eaid she was afraid some awful tragedy was preparing, fud that presently the place would be drowned in blood. She wasn't altogether wrong, as you '11 see presently. "One" night, ,-just after the banquet was over and the freaks Had mostly gone to their rooms, we heard snch a disDiul shrieking froin the two headed girl'R room that we all rushed to tho door - that is, when I say all, I mean the giant and the living skeleton, who had been sitting np witb me a Iittle later than usual. 'I never allow anything improper on the part of nohody in my ehovv, and I set the example in such inatters myself. So I told the giant and the ekeloton that we wonld withdraw, while the strong woman would bnrst the door open and seo whst was the matter. " Accordingly we did eo, and the strong wornan set her shoulder against the door, and it just aort of inelted away, as you might say. She told me that fhe found the two headed girl havtng the livelicst kind of a íight with herèelf . She was lying on the foor, and the half of lier which was upperniost and happened to be Mary was laying into the other half and hauling out the hair and the . hairpina by bandfuls. The strong woman, wanting to check the effcsion of hair, went toworJi to separate than and succeeded altogether too weli. In fact, when she got hold of Mary and tried topull her clear of Jane's bair the tvtfo girls came apart altogether. The sirong woman, who, like the rest of us, had believed in 'the two headed girl, was that frightened when she saw that ehe had pulled her clean apart that she, in turn, yelled for help. "This time I had to lay aside my scruples and see for myself what was „the matter. Theresat the strong woman on the floor, holding half of the two headed girl in her arms, and there lay the other half, two or three yards off, on the carpet, cryir.g her level best and cnssing the rest of her in language which, if I a m any jndge of language, and I ougbt to be, was learned somewhere down by the wharves. When 1 saw that Jane was more frightened than hurt, I told her to go to bed and told the strong woman to take Mary into her room for the night. Mary went peaceably, for when the strong woman got hold of anybody, male or female, they generally did as she said. "The ne.ïi day I called up the two headed giri and told her our contract was at an end. 'I will never,' I said, 'be a party to a fraud on the public, especially when it is sure to be found out, and" this of yours is. A committee of Boston surgeons was going to examine you this very day, and I, believing you to be genuino, was to offer them every facility. What I am offering now is a free passage for you both from here to New York, and don 't you ever let me hear of your trying to exhibit again, or I'U come out and teil the truth about you.' "That was my only titempt at exhibiting a two headed girl. I ougbt not to be hard on the girls, for they pulled me through a very tight place in my professional career, but at the same time they took ue in, and not being a part of the public I don 't hks to be took in. However, it all happened long ago, and I defy any freak to play any soit of game on we again. If there i3 any deceit to be practiced in ruy show, I couceive that I am the only one to do it and not: the one to be practiced on." -