Some Reminiscences Of Artemus Ward

Turning the leaves of a venerable scrap-book, the otlier day, I canie upoii one of tho programmes that ArtemuW ard uscd to f urnish to Ihose who attonded his lecture "Among tho Mormons." Does anybodv know whatbame of ihe panorama upon which ho held forth? lt went with him to Eugland, but sinco his death Las never been heard of. Here is the programme: Paoi-oirB- By Arteuius Ward.- Professedly to introduce the subject, but really togivetho accomplished crankist time to unroU tho flrst picture. il. The STEAMsnip Ariel at Sea.- Out on the Brlny. Tho sea rougrh. Passengers unable to remain inside their staterooms or oursidc their victuals. An immense sea-serpent in ourwake.anothorin our sleep. Land hol- N.B. The hoe is now in Artemua Ward's possession. Isilnnus of Panama. Interesting Interview with old Panama himseli, who inakes all the hats. Old Pan is a likely sort oí a man. in. Montoomert 8theet, Saw Francisco.- Life and things in El Dorado.- The Chines Drama- Ltght Celestial Comedy, In seven nundred and two acts; by a Chinese gentleman of this city, Good quarters to be í'ouud here. Playful popiüation, fond of high-low Jack and homicide. IV. Virginia Citt.- A wild place. Game abundant; priucipally Faro and Bluff- Shooting prevalcnt in consequence. - Every man cHrrles a revolver and every other man two. Silver mine.- The treasure caretully guardcd, eaeh proprietor keepiuif a silver watcn. v. The Great Desert.- A dreary waste of sand- a perfectly shaineful waste, in fact. They ougrht to sve it. VI. Bird's-Eït; Tiew or Great Sai.t Laks City.- A rut her pretty picture, with some entirely serious descriptive talk. vil. ! Maïs Streit, West Side.- Thls beinjr a viow of Main Street, wostside, is naturally a view of tho west sido of Maiu Street. VIII. Matn Strekt, East Side.- The Salt Lake House. Lots oi salt In this house- salt cellais, in fact. A tmperance hotel- nothlng stronger sold than butter, which was rather HtreiiKth)' when A. W. was there. Guests are requosted to turn off the caadles beforo retiringr at night. Washing not allowed in rooms. You must po out on the poreh and wnsh with cast-iron soap, thuugh they cali il cast-steel. IX. The Hormon Theater.- Mormoni as theater-groen. EtTects of the Drama on tbelrmannere, eto. H account for the way they act. Also, for their calling u eertain place the "Bottoniless Parquette." XI. BRIfiHAM TOUKQ'S HAREM.- One Of the must intercstitiff places in Utah, espeeially L Brighain Young. Two dwellinf? houses and u school house. In the latter addltion is illustrated by Rrigham's wi'es, andmultipllcation by his chlldrcn. The pretty girla in L'titli mostlymaiTy Yountr. XII. Herder C. Kimbai.is HAREJf.- Mr. Kimball hns a great many wives, who are very dear to tuin , m-ttch moro opínsivn than a less numIwr would be; he is one of the most numerous parents in Utah. 8eventy-8ix Mormoneses sharo Mr. Kimball's lot. vvc do not know how mauy acres there are in this lot, but there ought to be a lot of them for ëueh a lot of wives, who. should they follow the saline exnip!e of Lot's wife, will inake Palt Lake City alt HKlrpd. On bnnir tondprly condoled wltii on the death ot' ono of bis wivrs Mr. Kiintrnll sairt: "O, novpr mind. l've got plenty more of 'cm at home." XTII. The Tabernacle.- This Is the R-reat Mormon meeting-house. The Elders and Youngen "preach" here. A Brass Band is at one end of the building and the Pulpit at the other. Thus there is Brass ut both endfl. Tho Mormon sisters sit by thernselves, in the middle of the house. Kows by any other name wouldn't be as sweet. xv. The Grf.at Salt Lake.- Curlous boJy of water - Analyzation proves it to contain u large, number of old enlts. No flsh can live In lt oicept alt codflsh, muckerel and red herrinifs. There are mermaldá there, though they have Salt Rheuin. Iiijunrs live on tne bank of thls lake. Little Injuns seen in th iii-jtiiijiv trundlin tUeli wAr-whuups. XVI. The Esdowmen-t House.- In thls buildlue Mormou is instructed lntu uiyHtunnui rites- and wrougs -of his falth. XVII. Ttrü Dessrt Aoain.- Handsomer thnn th firstview. It doesn't "howl" us much. Jn(iiansontho war-path. "Methlnks I seo airarwhoop!" Hal redmen, "Would'st scalp a Lecturer?" (N. B. They would'st.) AKSWERS TO CORRERPONDENTS. Saccharissa.- "I have no homo; where shall i sroV" If you want a "Home, Sweet Home," you had better go on a sugrar plautation. Laura Matilda.- "I have an unfortunate Dondency, even on trivial occasions, to shed tears. How eau I prevent it?" Lock up the shed. Travelpr.- "How long was Artemus Ward in California?" Five feet ten-and-a-hall. Speculator.- "Is petroleum trequent in oaves?" No; but caves aro frequent In petroleum. KCLES OF THIS HOCSE. Children in arms not admittcd, if the arnn are loaded. Children under onp ycar of age are not ndmitted unless acconipauied by thoir párente or guardians. Ladies or gentlemen will picase report any negligence or disobedience on the part of the eeturer. Artomus Ward will not be responsible for money, jewolry, or other valuables, unless eft with him- to le roturned in a week or so. Persons who thlnk thpy will enjoy themselves more by leaving the hall carly in tho ¦veiling-, are roquestcd to do as with so littlu noise as possiblc. It 3 doubtful i f more fun was ever crowded into the same space- or do vou happen to know a current httmorst that could write a funnier one? I well remember the iirst time I heard iim. He appeared on tho stage lookug crest-fallen and with face turned oward tho door at which he entered. "The gentleman who was to have in:roduced me seenis to have absented limself ;" then, after a hesitatiiyj pause, leadded, "lam Artemus Ward, the eeturer of the evening." It was difticnlt to believe there was much music in ;his serious-faced young gentleman. But what roars of laughter he provoked! There was a joke in his leeture which, once good, had been rendered absolutely pointless by some event that lad happened. He carefully repeatcd the joke, while every one in the audience was saying tohimself, "You might much better have omitted that, Artemus." Tho joke uttered, the joker iaused, a distressed look passed over lis face, and he observed in a frank, athetic way, "That little anécdota of nine isn' tas good aa it was." The pfect was irresistible. Of the counlless rood stories attributed to him the best to my mind is the one which tells of tlie advico ho gave to a Southern railroad conductor soon after the wav. Tlie road was in a wretched condition, and ho trains consequentie were run at u henonienally low rate of speed. Wlien lie conductor vu piincliiiig his ticket rtenius remarked: "Does tuis railroad ompanv allow passengers to give it dvice, if they do so in a respectful manner?'' The conductor replied in rufl' tones that he guessed so. "VVell," irteraus went on, "it occurred to me it vould be well todetaqh the cow-catcher rom the front of the engine and hitch t to the rear of the train. For 'ou see we are not liable to overake a cow, but what's to prevent a ow strollinar into th3 car and biting a