The Inside Dope

The Inside Dope

by Iffy the Dopester

Well, folks, on this particular occasion it's a little cramped here under the Iffy logotype, so I'll have to dispense with my usual expansive style to some degree in order to put your onto the latest dope in short order:

Speakin' plainly, Iffy's long past the point where a schemin' prosecutin' attorney can run a ruse by him - and if ya ask me, they pulled off a rip-roarin' one down at Federal District Court last week on ol' John Swainson.  I don't believe the Judge knew what hit him.  Now, as far as what actually happened, my lines are out there checkin' it.  But whenever a greasy little weasel like that John Whalen fella can remove a Supreme Court Justice from his chair, I looks twice.

'Specially when the Feds' Prosecutor, a Mr. Robert Oozer or somethin' like that cast aspersions on some other magistrates in their absence.  An' the Feds even let Mr. Whalen pursue his burgling career while he was working for the cops.  Then he went an' spilled the beans on all of his B & E buddies, too.  I must say, it wasn't surprising when his house was found in several pieces the other day.

By the way, some of the reporters whose by-lines have been appearin' over the Swainson stories lately have a sense o' humor that reminds me o' Dick Nixon's.  Have ya heard th' one about the judge who didn't have a leg to stand on?  Well, I'm glad they had a good time at the trial, anyhow.

Speakin' of cheap shots, when I was in the City o' Trees last week I picked up the latest MFP - that's the Mich. Free Press.  Just like their better established namesake down on Lafayette Blvd., they consider themselves to be 'competitors' of this newspaper, so one much keep tabs on 'em.  Well, I was a little bit amused to see that the good ol' "progressive" MFP has joined up with the AA News and the Grand Ole Party to try an' dispose of Ann Arbor's fine Mayor, Mr. Al Wheeler.  I guess they'd just as soon have Jim Stephenson back.  To my way o' thinkin', Al's tryin' to do some good things out there, but he sure has a tough row to hoe, between the General Motors stuffed-shirts and the curious flora and fauna on the left wing.  Those guys won't let up on him for a minute.  Hang in there, Mayor Al, we're with you.

There's one more duty I must attend to at the present moment, and that's to offer my heartfelt consolations to Mr. Bill Colby, late of the Central Intelligence Agency, who recently went into abrupt retirement - as a sharp eyed SUN reporter foretold last issue, you'll recall.  Congratulations to those whose fortunes were advanced by the shakeup in the front office, including Ronnie Reagan.  Ronnie, they say, wanted to get rid of Nellie Rockefeller - seems he considers Rocky a bit too liberal.  Ronnie wanted to use tactical nuclear weapons on that prison back a few years ago.  Take it from Iffy, though, kids - don't count Rocky out yet.

I see the Dems are goin' for poor ol' Hubert Humphrey these days.  Sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, I got to scratch this ol' head and ask myself, "Hubert Humphrey?"  You know what I mean?  Why doesn't Fred Harris get the attention he deserves?  I'd nominate the Mayor myself, if I could entertain the thought of losing him.  But I can't - this broken-down, torn up old place needs him right now.  A splendid man, I must say.  Remember Ray Gribbs?  Well, he used to run his campaign out of this very office right here in the Shelby.

Well, I've typed my way right into the corner of this page by now, so until next time, this is Iffy the Dopester saying, "Speramus Meliora" and "Resurget cineribus," Later Alligator! (Greetings to our newest readers in Wayne, Oakland and Macomb counties).