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A House With All The Modern Conveniences

A House With All The Modern Conveniences image
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Nehemiah Ppllard was an army contractor. He iurnished pork for the western dcpartment, and of course he got riet) by it. At the end of two years of that kind of business, he foutid himself worth half a niillion. People began to cali him Mr. Pollard, instead of "old Pollard" and " Miah," and slee ineQ in white neck cloths, called on hiui with loug subscriptiou papers. Mrs. Pollard had discovered her iinportanee some ' time previously. Dry goods clerks held the doors opeu for her now, who, three years before would huve seen her drop a dozen parcols io the mud and shot tht; ekirt of her dresa in the door forty times, without coming to the rescue. Ste was consulled about sewing societies, and appealed to in bchalf of Foreign Mifsipns, and Bible Societies, aud Sanitary Commiísions, and her opinión Yas quoted her friends as we quote frora a statute book. Mus, Pollaid awoke suddenly to a kcowledge of the fact that t illy became their alteied circumstances to iive in a one story wooden house, in a re mote part of the city, with none of the convenipnces aod irnprovements. They owed it to the children, she said, to inhabit a house with all the modern conveniences, and see something of the vvorld. Nehemiah figured his greeubacke, looked wise, and coincided. So a house was taken. It would be teaious to relate all the particuiurs of the furuishing, much of vvhich was done liy contract. The house was largo and cummodious. Thero was a library, conservutory, parlor, drawingroom, diuing halls uud a model kitchen. It was heated with a furnace, lighted with gas, there was a dumb waiter ; in short it was a house with all the modern conveniences. The library was stocked by a stationer, who received orders to be sure the books were well bound, and mostly in red backs; the conservatory was filled by a florist, and Mrs Pollard stipulated only that there be plenty of hollyhocks and poppiv;s. hen all was ready the family moved ia. Mrs. Pollard sailed about the rooms like a queen ; but her husband looked absolutely frightened as ho surveyed the premises. " By golly, Peggy," heexclaimed, "If this ere aic't a little too fine for us ; I feel like a cat in a strange gnrret - yes by golly, like two cats. There's a dozen things here tbat I don't know the namea of. What's them gilt things stuck up in the corDer, with the bare-legged childreu with gooso wings on their backs ?" " Land sakes, Mi. Pollard, thein's cornishes, and the pijens is angels, and you'll oblige me by ealüug me Margaret in future." " Why, I ditin't know that was your name," oried Mr. Pollard in wondor. " Peggy is the vulgar for Margaret, sir!" "Well, I declare, live and larn." " Do take your feet ofl' from tbat ottomun, and don't lean 3'our head against the paperLaDging. Like enough its greasy." " Shouldn't wonder. Pork packiug'a ratber a greasy business." "Mr. Pollard, if you'll never allude to your business agaiu, I'll be thankful. It is vulgar to bring home your shop with ron." " Why, who has broiight one home ?" " Do be more careful Mr. Pollard, you've smashed the varnish off from tbat teaty tete, and now you're bobbing your head agaiust the ohaüticleer." ' I'll go to bed, that's what I'U do, and see if I can't have snme pcace, I hain't allowed to touch nothing here." Mr. Pollard put his threat ioto exeeutiou, but bis wife followed him closely up the stairs. '' Mitid the stair carpet, Mr. Pollard, thero I hemmed it," cried she, as Ne hemiah caught hia foot in the binding, stumbled, aud feil entirely to the foot of tha etairs, breaking the hall glasa, and teariag the coat skirt eutirely oti. He picked himself up with rauttering explelive? and gained his chamber. The ; sorvant had alroady lighted the gas, aud opened the register. " CrcatioQ!:' criod Mr. P.. "itshotter than the tropics. Huw do you fix ibis darned thiufi, Peguy, to soul it ofï V' " I dtm't kuow'cried bis vvife, "Til ring tor Jane." " The deuce you will !" saiil Mr. Pollard, glaucing ut bis si.unt attire, "you go to bed - I'U luanago it. Pil set tho siuk over the hole, and thal'il keep tbu hout out. All right." ' Put out tho gufy" said bis vvifc from the bed. "Put out tbe dicker.s V" criod hei' busbund aufjrilv - "here I'va blowed and blovved, till ï'm fit to bust, and the confoundfd thiug ouly dances uway tbe fiiater ! I cau't suufi' it out iieitlier ! I wouldn't give a taller dip lor a raillion oï those jiggers !" l' Turn it otl'." advised Mrs. Poüard. " Turn it, inde-d ! wbere'll you tuin it to, I wonder ? Hu ! I've done it 1 I've Hwitchod it out with roy sleevu !" " Wall, dou't get into bed with your hnnds sinutty, but wasli 'etu, there's hot and cold water, you know. Sucb a ïouvonieucc." "Júpiter Ammon ! I've took tho skin off from t.hat band! Why, the water's bilin ! I'll iry the cold- zuunds ! bow it smiirts !" and multuritig to hitnsclf, Mr. Pollard compleled bis ablution and got into bed. Sometiuie in the night, Mrs. Polhird awoke. Sbe feit chilly and damp. She put out ber hand and feit only water. " The Lord of mercy !" sureamed she, " up Miab ! there's a ílood. lts got cleau up in the cbamber, and we shall all be drowued to death I git up and lií?bt a liü'ht." Mr. Pollard jumped out with a lond slosli, then jumped iu, then out again, propelled by a vigorous kiok from his bettor half. " What in creation is it?"'"cried lio, dashiug about in the vein attempt to find bis clotbes. " Ah, ah ! its just stnick rae, 1 did't fix tbat water spout right after I wahed ray hands ! I remember I couldu't stop i t from running. Confound the eonvenieuue ! - And thsre ain't no matches or caudïa ! Wall, I can tind my vvay ; 111 go down to the kitchen and báil us out!" He reuxhed the stairs safely, took a step forward, and broughl up in the h-ill below on his bead, whioh feit as tbougli a wliole eotton factory had set up its niachinery inside oí it. Directly ho reuovered himself and proceeded ou bis vvay. He vveut into the kilcbeu, fjund the pail, and turned to ?o__back. The door was faut. He pulled and kicked it with all his miiht; but he only wasted his strength. Then he rememberod that uil the doore in the house had spring loeks, and ho bad neg lected to take out the key when he cama in, so, of course, he was a prisoner ! Poilard was mad. It was bad enough to be wasbed througb with a prospect oí getting immediutely dried, but to stand tbere on the cold January night, vvitb no garment on but bis robe de nuit, was a little to much. He hallooed and kickod and banged among the pots and kfetties and tin paus. He sbouted niurder and tbieves at the top oí bis voice, and knocked his worst corn wretchedly against the range. Maddened by tho pain, he'èeized the poker, and flew at the grated windows, tbröugh wbich he soon made a hole large enougb to sbout murder Out of. In a moment a policeman's rattle was heard ; and directly quite a forcé of " stars" congregated out3ide tho window. " What's the row ?" queried a police" What do you mean by kicking up such a row this time of night V Poilard threw a kottle of apple sauce at bis head, but the grating prevented it frotn taking effect. " Desperate fellows inside there," mutterud the policeman, " It's best to be cautious, we might get into difficulty." " Let me out, or 111 be the death of ) e!" roared Nehemiah, waxing desperate, " PU shoot every mother's son of ye!" " Poilard! Poilard ! Miah !" called Mrs. Poilard from the entry, "do come ! what in the world is tho matter? The house is full of thieves and murderers ! I've heard 'em a veiling l'or an houiv' " Let 'em yell and be blasted ! I'll be the death of the whole oí 'em if you don't let me out of this !" " Don't kill anybody ? It's wicked ! remomber the oommaudmeot !" entreáted Mrs. Po41ard. " Open the door !" roared a póliceman from the outside. " üpeu ityourseli !" oried Nehemiab. "What are you doing in theré?" "None of your business!" said our hero. '■ Burst it ia!" commanded the police; and after a Bhort struggle, the door flew frotn the hinges, and the light of a buli's eye penetrated the place. " That's the villian ! seize him !" said the leader, ' on with the bracelets 1 r.evor mind what ho says ! We'll show hira and all others of his style, that he l not break into people's houses and steal j with impunity." " I teil you I ara in my own house !" thundered'Pollard, "and" 'TH beat the brajas out of the hole of ye, if ye don't make yourselves skeeree ! Peggy! Peggy! coiné and help me!" The kuchen door flew open, and Peggy'syellow flannel night cap appoarud. "Oh lordy !" cried she. "I can't oan't come in afore all them men with my night-cap on. Wais a rniunit till I fix my head." Nehemiah hüd seized a long handled fryiug pan, aud was layiug about him with a will. The leader of the polieu began to see the point. He brought tho lanteru to bear on tho face of our lriend. "I beg your pardon, Esquire l'ollard, it was ui! a mistaku." Kmju.i'o Pollaid luid down hia weap011, mui the tffi) shook hands. "Il'.sall owing to tbts Qonfouadd house," SLiid Nühemiiili, "( don't kn w no moiu a jout tliu ncv.-tangUíd tBfñg thau tlio inau in tiio inoon. But. I've rot eome tirst rate uognao in tho collar. You'il koep durk, Mi.' Pólice." " Upon hdiiiii', Muire." Mr. Pullard liad thü lopts (akun off hiá doorí, and tlie watur pipes removed the next, ony. líe has livod in bis ovvu houso nearly a yi;:ir iídw, but ho ctirries u tiillow 'dlp' tu bed witli liiui, and washea bis í'uce aud hands at kitchen Hink.


Old News
Michigan Argus