For President--the "fat Contributor."

From the Cincinnati Times and Ckronide. The hour has arrived. I can wait no longer. The highest interests of the nation demand that I present myself as a candidate for President of the United States. I have wuited for sorae one eUe to bring me out, but in the multitudo of eandïdates no one seems to have thought of me. And I don't think very much of uiysclf ; but a man don't want to think very much of bimself to be a candidato for President now-a-days. If ho had my solf-rogard at the outbut ho would think very little of himself by the time ho gol through the campaign. I am one cf the people - I inight say ono of the boys. I carne up from obscurity, and I have brought up a goud deal of obsourity with me I never had ány -or much else. I am " Libera] " to a fault, and ready to receivo votes from any quarter, although I am not ready to give quavters for any votes. As tor a platform, suit yourself, gentlemen. The leoture platform would probabiy suit me as well as any other. llaving stuod upon nearly t-very platform in the West, it would be hard tor you to get up one I oould not stand on. In the absence of a platform give mo four aces, aiifl I'H "stand" ou that. I ain a special friend of the laboring man. No ono likes to see a man work better than I do. In fact, 1 had rather see a min work than work myself. I am not ouly opposel to working more thau eight hours, but am opposed to working a single hour. 1 shan't eveu work for an election, leaving that for the uien wko want the offices. lam in favor of paying tho National debt. It is in fact the only debt that I am in favor ot paying. And rather thau not see ïtpaid during my udministration, I will puy it out 0Í my _ vu pocket. Iu the matter ot' civil service reform I intend to do tho civil thing by the nation if the ustión does the civil thing by me. Being civil is so rare a condition now-a-days in the varied walks of life, to say nothing of tho runs,) that reform ,j urgently called for. Betrenotunent is my motto. If you can't put a retrenchnient plank in the platform put iu a board. I am ready to work without a salary, but I shall insist upon my board. I am rathsr inclinod to tree trade, preferring to íeel freo to trade whure 1 alease, but if a turiff plank is necessary to my eleetion put it in. 1 shall not get on a tar-ift' I am not elected. Pledge ine as stroug as you pleaso to the teinperance men. The teruperance pledge wou't hurt me one bit. ■ Ne relation of mine shall hold office, uo matter whoso relation be shall be. I shall appoint none but old bachelors, childless widows and orphans. Any man who has a relation in the world need not apply for an office under my administrati'in. I havo a few rolatives of my own lolding office now, but they shall bo [n'omptly kicked out as soon as I am elected. One brothi;r-in-law has a little coal on tho Itiver. He must give it up. A third cousin on my noighbor's side h inks too much occasionally, and gets office food. I shall give him notice to quit. Another relation has a hankering nfter Qeorge Ellis' " Office." It wou't do him any good. You see I aiu deteriuiiied to reduce the " relative " expenses of the government. I engage not to accept any gift, unless it bo the highest office in the gift of the people. If 1 am ever called " our present Cliief Magistrate," it won't be a chief Magistrato of presenta. Not being a man of commanding presence anyhow, there would be few presents that I oould command. What few natural gifts I may have, ho wever, I shall endeavorto retain. They are not worth makiug any fuss abnnt. I am not only in favor of woman's riglitp, but ot woman's rights and lefts. I am in favor of women voting provided they voto for me. I see no reason why a woman should not hold office, excopt, perhaps, the difficulty of getting hold of it. Nor should there be any bar to a woman's accumulating property and supporting the family if sho wants to. I may be asked how I would treat tho Indians. I wouldn't " treat " them at all. They have been treatod too much and too ofton. My private opinión, however, is, that it will bu u treat wlfeu thero isn't au Indian loft. I stand by the old constitution that has been tried. Few men have tried thoir constitutions more than I have tried mino. I accept the amendments, overy one of them. Whon it comes to amends, I am ready to shout " amen " as loud as anybody. I undorstand there is an ambitious man named üeorge Francis Train, who aspires to bo President on his promiso to free Ireland. I engage not only to freo Iroland but to mako Irisji whisky free in the bargain. I shall at least be able to tie George Francis in the popular vote, unless one or the other of us is kept away from the polls. Hang it, I bolieve that 1 could tie the Davonport brothers ! I shall inaugúrate a wholesale cmancipation business as soon as I am inauguratod No gooda rotailed at the White Houso when I am President. I engage to cmancipate women from the thraldom of fashion, to givo the " boys " their rights and abolish the custom which oxcludes cl li 1 cl ren i n arm s from the ele vating and puritying influencesof the theater. I have pledged myself to free Ireland, and to tree postage, to freo housekeepers from tho tyranny of servant girls, free pows free passes and freebooters. To free soil to freo tickets to shows, freo press, freo drinks, and "J.N." Free. I trust lam not making myself too free. Fat Contkibutor. Tho salary of tho Canadian Governor General is $50,000 a year with two o: three rent-free palatial residences, anc the office is usually held for five years.