Humor Of The Day

luis ís the aeason of the year when the man with i garden rüéhés into the house, seizes peo and paper, shuts bis teeth tbgethei hard, and dahes off the followiiiK md ilirects it to hia neighbor: "Dear Sir: If youi don't keep jrom oonfotnded heus out of my garden 1 '11 kill evéry bkated one oí' them f" A Lactíossií stteet mother stepped tb the door the otliér evening and callnl to lier sou, u lad of 11, wlio was olio oí a crowil aoated on the edge of the walk. "Wait just :i little while - juut a minute," be vj'lir.i; "J'm a hearing how some JnjmiH mxLrderëd a trapper, and I want to seo if he got wan," A o!d ianner yoHtcrday called on a portvait paintei with n view of haviiii h{s daughter'a face transferred to canvas, bui Avhen told tJiat it would cost him $50 or more, he stood in the door aud remarked: "Do you take me for a luuatic? Wky, I got my whole hosa barn painted ovor two ooats-, last week, for 21 I While a man wan nzzliug drink in n ! LariKid street saloon resteírdtiy a little ragbed girl entered and sought' him out, and instead of reijuesting hiin tp eume home, dcar fathor, as poor brother Benny wad dead, and the house was all darle, sho whispered: "Now, old man, you'd j bèttei be dnsting out o' herc. Mam's coming around the corner with a club in ! her hand and botli oyes shooting ftre?" a I.ADY passing up u-raud Jttiver avenuo, yeafcerday, beard a boy uBÜM profano, words in liis couversation with anotluu-, and slie stoppsd and Raid: " My dcar boy, it grioviM me to hoar you tnake uso of suoh profano Iauguage." " Who's a nsiug profano langvitch'í" he n.nked. " You were." "No, I -vrasn't - I tros only sweairng at Jaok!" Yesti:-.j:uay a half-drunkpn fcllow, armed witli a club, eam'o out of a saloon on Jofïerson avenue, ana a lic brandished his weapon aromul lio yolled : " I'm gotag to kiil gomo one !" An elduily gentleman who looked ns ifli" had experienced a great deal of euffering, halted and asked: "Jame yon any particular dioico whom yon kill?" " No, sir - fiiul nio somo one !" was tho answér. "Well, I don't encourage murder," continued the oldish man, " but if yon must kill nomo ouo I hopo you'll kuock ovei a tar and gravel rooier that promised to rooí my hojiB&before that last nhower !" An oíd lady, riding 011 a street car yesierday, toofi a clay pipe and tobáceo Erom her pocket, and aftel filling the pipa rad borromnga m.-ilch. sheleaned baei for a emoke: The conductor enterad, tho car, tapped her on the shoulder, and said : "í ou can't smoko in hore. " " I kuow it's n leetle crowded," kIkreplird Ha she lookod up, " but I'in used to truvelin' and 1 guesa I can put ui) wíthit!" iSiio was allowed to ííuíkIi her pipe. A widow llüssed thq train, ye.storday, obá after tearing aroand the Central depot for a wliile slio sat down on i beuch; calleld Uer tkree chjldreu avound hor and wailod : " Oh, wliy did I leave York State and oomt to such a country ?" " To oit a man !" prornptly repiied hor son William, a lad oí' ten. " I hoard Mr. Shine gay thafs what yon was comiufr for!" Hhe seized hini :wd sat him down on tho bench with sueh forcé that his hat was jarred down over his oyes. The condition of tlic mr.rkot tu Avituout qnotable ohange. TIe (Iemand ior fsvora m only liglit mul niicH wcro easy al 8(3 1 per oent. on time, and G(S 7 pet cent. tot oall loan. Bouds lirnii Cldoiüg n ColkrWBI i;niii„i. Setting. 6. B. 9's Of '61 : 'l üs á 1 25 í I'. s. 5-2t)'s .'f vvj (,.s. int.) 1 1 T - T. jü tr. i. lï-Oi'Kdf V.! ,, .. llg llH';, n. s. s-ai-mif v, (ex. int.) !¦.¦¦.",, láají U. H. 5-QO'H of '65 Jsnuary and .lulv. 12:t-, VM V. s. 6-208 of '67 Jiinnary and Julj .iy!, I2' O. s. S-2t'i of "B8 Jimn.iry and July.l24}J 1'4M U. S. ll)-l's 11SÍ 119 V [j. s. new riVof '81 (ex. iut.) 117 118 ü. B. onrency 8'a I" , 122JÍ 3oM (f uil welght) ïiti-;,, ]17'„ (ioll coupons ll; 117'. Gold tichange ¦ 11(X H7'„ Sterling 68 days aight 487 BEKAD8TTHTS. ïlnie waa a seneroJ reactioD mul improTement in graiu circlcri during the patst iveck. and (juito nn active Hpcculativo Ijiiflincsa was tranHaoted. A ivould natu rally bo olpeoted, tho roceut liberal dcrlir.n in yaluea luduood an inorOMed order detnanA nirny specoüatirQ ovdeïe beiiig recoivod from otluir niiukttrt ind fi'um the interior. Tile lirat of June passod With bilt very liglit dcliverien on -Tuno oontrat'ts, and it waa wdll known tliat tha markets werc all largely oyersoli The short mtereat wcre thercfore bnying l'reoly, flhoiviug a general dortire to pfoyide for thcir Qütatanding coutractu. Kastern adviceë wero of a more favorable tftior, and boldorrt and apoculator showed lesa dispoöition to iell, Tlie folloiving tablc shows the pricea evirrent at the opening and close of the past week: Opening. Ulotsing No. B ep'f! wlieat, casti $ .91 $ -M t .83 @ .94 I No. 2, Bcilt-r Juno ÍK" -, (4 .'.il í .!il'., liii ¦ Ni. SwHor Jul.v J4'...w .96 @ .i'1''-. No. 2 scller August... l .97 .:i7 ¦, i .98 No. 2 corn, cah (:) (8 .6S)j 4 .Í9k No. 2 corn.soUo.r Juno ,62%@ .622 .66 V blo Ko S corn, seller July. .H".3 .(iH!4 .69J bic No. 2 corn, h. August. .70;4@ .71 .71X(. ."U1., No. 2 oats, canil "7V,(., .58JÍ O.00 No. 2 oató, sellcr Jim. ,5H " 4 .ók ¦ . .:,:i',,:, No. 2 oatSjBclIcr Julj .55((i) .50 .¦íUí k'd No. 2 ryc, cash (d, 1.U3 W .98 No. 2 barloy, casli.... 1.16 1.20 fl.1.1 No. 2 barlcy, e. 'Sept. . . id, .% (( .98 No. 3 bartey, cah. . . . 1.10 w;l.ll I.1YE KTiin,. The cattle markct :m liecu nci.ivo íind film, Avith valueH 25c per 10U lak higlicr. (uality of offeriug verygooü. SJjipniug alore, í'5.üO(o 5.111); poor to good, $6.00@7.ÜO ; ohoico to extra stock uteerH, t3.50@4.75. Hbgs :tivo, cloHíng at tC lü(7.(K) for ïorkars, aml $6.75@ 7.30 íor common to choice honvj'. tíbeep dull ; shorii, 8?.00@5.25. PROVWlOHS. Considcrabíf' iuteroil nu maniíestod in thie marko.t duriiiK the week, but a very oñsettled fecling prevailed and priceB on the peculativo article wcro couniderably lower. Tlicro wero ono or two housea nhn were unablc to respond proniptly to cali for marginH and t.his caiiMod a ra]iid docliue nntil near the clone when a yteadier feeling waa developcd and the dowinvard teudeney ivas clieclted. Eastcru advices wore gcnerally nnfavorable aud the reporta rcceivcíl from l'juropeau inarkots vcrc ííi boyera' favor. Caah mesa porkeloeed at íW.5ü C'l'.i.fiO, seller June nominal at 8X90@19.69 ud seller July closed at (19.60. ('asii lard iuot at S13.G0(a)13.C5 and seller June quotablo at nbout the Hamo figures; seller July was quiet and irregular, elling at H3.00@13.87X, aud closed at $13.6730_13.7O; aeller Auguüt closed steady at .f 13.!)2í(ffil3.!)5. 8EEDS AN'l) lII'linVINES. JUio business transaeted m HocdH wan rather liglit and tho sales mado ocaisistod diicJlv oí Iluugavian and millct. The oITuriiígs of all kind were light, and prices ruled iirm. ïnnothy nold at 2 30@2.45 ior comraou to gooi!, aml 2.50(2.C0 for prime. Clover quotafelc about r(vtU(.G.5O for primo medium, Vua sold at il. CO for good crcwhing, and $1.58 iras bid for seilcr August and September. Sftlosof Uungarián woro made al $1.15(3 1.50, and millct at $1.55t{él.C0 for prime. Buckwheat alcs Were made st .1.15(f1.20. ïhe market was vcry jiiict for higttwines, but prime ruled stcady and ürm. The market closed at 1.17. PEÓDÜCS. The butter market was again dull during tho week and amateriiil decline was aguin Hiintained iu priees. Thè iuiivals were large, and as only a moderate amount was old to local dealer, (juite an aecunmlation wan noticeablc. The [ feelüjg was ouo of weaknefis and prices deelined aboiit 3(i4e. (Jnotations ranged at 'L¦' for oxtras, 18@22e for rats, 14(il8c for "soconda, 12' ;,'( 14e for tblrds, and 9@12fl for grease and common old stock. Brooni coru metwith an improved demand and an iucreaHod business was reported. Priccs ruled fina at n(!14c for good to extra huil, aud ll@13c for good to ühoicü Htalk braid. Beeswax (niiot at 28(cï0c. Tho iuquiry continúen good for beanfi, and prices were iirm at about jsl.iiO for primo Eaeteru modiuma and l.UOfc 1.8Ü for comnion to choico Western. Cider was quiet at 'i. 75( (i.HO for choice sweet per bil, and ?:!.5() per keg. Cranberrita were dull at $9.00@lfl.ñO ])er brl, and $3,00 3.50 for ono bu boxen, áccording to quality, ChecHO was dull, and priees uirier more liberal arrivals were easier. Quotable at U((lúc for good to prime uew, and 13(t)31}c for poor to aboica old. Dried peas inactivo and nominal at S2.00fa!2.ï5 per bu for choico green, and about i].75(fil.8U for marrowfat. Dried fraits I were quiet butsteady. Michigan apples ranged at 8XC'ï8%c ; Ohio at 7J()8c, aud Southern at 7(a7)c. lialves peachcs'quotablc at &%@ 9 ' , e. aud blackberries at ü%(VJ%c ; the outsidoquotatioiiB are for lots of choico city packed. Eggs wero in fair locai and nhipping demand at 14c per doz for Iota in carriers. Feathers dull at 48(50c for primo live ereeso. and 35c por Ib fortuikey tail feut'icrs. Oreen fruita were dnll aml weak. Hales of applfefl rnnged at ?l@1.50 for common applci ; ïï.75 @2.O0 for good, and $4BO@S.OO íot ohoiro in a small way. Hay waa fair and active at nnchanged pnces. Timothy quotable at $17@ 20.00 per ton for niixed to prime and prairie : 12@17.5() for No. a to prime. Hidea were in i'air reqnest and stéady. Quotable at Sc, all Bith ohoice selected fotait8%c; calf. 12@ 13c ; and dry saltcd kip, 15(fgl5}e. Hopa were ¦ iuiet. but firm t 83@40e for gooa to prime uew froni (irst hands. Honev raa hIow at 23@ 25c for comb, and 10ín'12o for good to ehoieo Strafn4d. Maple sugar dnil aod lower. Quotable at 8@12c for good to choice puro new. Potato.c.8 -ero dulJ, and partió having common varieties were ooinpellod to Bao,ritioe them in order to effect gálea. The market closed at about 70@7Sú for round Iota of primo Eastcrn peachblows; abont 70c for dioico WeBtern do. and 35C0c for mixed and common varieties, according to quaJity. VegetüblCH quiet at abont íf 1.75 (2. 50 per brl for yellow onionH, and about Y1.50 per brl for c;nrrota raid beets. Vea] was in good supply and ranged at 3(8c for poor to cíioiee raí cienes. Wool coming forward more freely, and light salea were made at 80@34c for new unwashed, according to weight and quality. CÓOPEEAOE, LCMBEB AND WOOD. Tliere was but little l)uaineB trauancted in cooperage, and no clmnge was exbibited in valuea. The demand was principa]];.' for the paoking descriptions, for whicli rricca were a trille ürmer. Quotations rango at ÍJ.15@1.2O for porl; barrels, $1.45@1.5t) for lard tierces, $1.9O@2-.ÏO for whisky barrels, and 45((í:55c for llour barrels. Tho movemont in lumber was onlv moderato, ! but priccs at tlio sume timo fuled Bteady and lirmer. Common to good 8 tripa and bonrdn gnolibleirt $9.0018.00: joiatH and sc&ntling t $8.5(1 ( lath fl.50. and oedetr poetas $8.00( 11.00. Wood remaiua didl and very quiet. llickory and ampie iuotable at abont $7.80 ; bcech at ÍG.50, and ulabs at íti.üü at the yard. JTelegTaphio jtiurket Reporta. NEW YÜKK. Beevks 12 @ 13 Hogs - Dressed 9 ($ io Cotton 15i@ Ifiv I'lour- Siiporflnn Western 4 70 4 95 WllKAX- No. 2 Chicago 1 11 (g 1 13 No. 1 Spring i ie, @ i is Oohn 76 @ 78 Oats 71 @ 73 Hyk 1 05 (ij t 00 Pobk- Ni-w Meas 19 60 (l'.l7."i Laúd- Stciu 13 (g u ST. LOUIS. Whfat - No. i Ued 1 88 ($ 1 35 CoiiN- No. _ New 65 g sa Oath- .Nci.2 59 @ ('1 Uyk- No. 2 1 OH O 1 09 I'oiik - Mes J8 00 irfl'J 130 Lard 11 (,1, 1:1 Hos 6 06 (n) 7 50 Cattle 4 75 @ 5 60 MIIiWAUKKK. Wiikat- No. 1 gg $ 1 00 No. 2 rit S 86 OoilN- No. 2 01 % C3 Oats- No. 2 ( ,-,s Hik '.18 a 1 00 P.ARÜF.V - NO. 2 1 lf) @ 1 IS CINUINNAT1. Vheat--üii1 1 20 H ] 25 Ookn- New ',1 @ 73 OvTfi cc (( 69 íívk ..11 rai 1 14 PoilK- M'BS JO 90 (ít'0 'i: r.Ai!i is (g ii TOLEDO. Mr:i 1 23 aa l 21 Imter i 20 í 1 'i-.! New 7:1 ( T5 Oats 63 (. M HKTl;c! T. W'iik.at - lCxtra (A 1 22 Amlxir a 1 19 Corn 66 @ 68 Oats (o (, 02 (l.KKI.AM. No.I lied 1 21 ( ) 33 No, 2 Koel 1 ]fl @ 1 18 ConN 71 ($ 73 Oats ;; @ 65