A Lady Who Wanted Mottoes

A gentleman, whose wife had in structed hini to purchase a few nice, ap propriate mottoes, became inebriated and forgol just what was waated o him. He had a, confused notion tha his wife's request was in some way re lative to his purchase of something in the way of sign cards, so lie called up on a dealer and purchased quite a vari ety. Tve got 'em- hic- mydear. He-he here's a whole lot nice ubs,' he said, as he triumphantly produced his pachage With a sigh over his maudlin condi tion, she opened the parcel and founc the following: 'Hands Off,' 'Your Choice for five cents,' 'Look Out for tin Locornotive,' 'Keep off the Grass,' 'No uogs Atlmitted, ' 'Ham Sandwiches, ten cents each,' 'Tom and Jerry,' 'For Rent,' 'Oysters in All Styles.' Then the lady went down town and made her own selections, and when her husband woke vip one morning after a Spree that cost hini four hundred dollars, a playeará stared him in the face frorn his bedroom wall. 'Rum Did It," and when he turned over with a groan, he noticed the warning. 'Shun the Bowl.' Shifting uneasily to the other side, he caught sight of 'Death in the Cup.' He hasn t beeu drunk since. "I wish I was the trapper and was tied to the stake, going to be burned alive by the Indians," 3aid little Johnny Fizzletop, who was reading a dime novel on the sofa. "Why do you wish to be in such a horrible predicara ent?" asked his mother. "Because in the last chapter, the trapper scalps Jeewhillikins Jim, the jumping jackass of Juniper Jungle, and hls Indiaii allies, and carries off White Fawn, the lovely maiden, in triumph to his mountain fastneas." "I think there is too much fastness anyhow, about tlie boys of Austin," reraarked liis mother thoughtiully.- Siftings. The Fabián polioy: A bear, wishing to rob a bee-hive, laid himself down in front of it and overturned it with his paw. "Now," said he, "I will lie perfeotly stil] and let the bees sting me until they are exhausted and powerless; their honey may then be obtained without opposition." And it was so obtained, but by a fresh bear, the other being dead. A logial conclusión- Little Bob- "Toni, wIit do you cali mamma mater? What's mater mean?" Torn- "Latin for mother, you know." Little Bob- "Oh! 1 thought il was beoause she had to see abont getting husbands for Flo and Edie that she was a maler." An actress who has lately figured as plaintiff in a libel suit at New Vork, was again in court as a witness. She was wice asked her age and refused to answer, bnt flnally compromised the mater by saying, "I was born in July, 1856, I guess you can figure from that." Prehistorie "Did yau preeent ■our account to the defendant?" ininiivd a lawyer of bis cliënt. "I did. nr." "Whatdidhe say?" "He told e to go to the devil, gir." "Woll, and vliai didj-ou do afler that?" "Wliv. I ;ame to you, sir."