"phunnygraphs."

A correspondentrites: "How would you advise me to spend Sunday, anyway?" You should not spcnd Sunday, Isn't it alittle paradoxical to speak oí a man as a crank, when ho is so set in his mind that you can't turn him?- Boston Transcript. A California man choked íiinisen 10 death with a tape measure. Tho coroner's verdict was that he died by inches. -Burlington Free Press. No matter how bard it is to find a rocking-chair during the clay, a man is sure to f all over on e when he is in search of the match-box after dark. It is said that milk which kas turned may bo sweetened by stirring in a lit-.t.ln soda. A hint is as erood as a wink to a boarding-houso keeper. N. O. f icayune. A young lady being told at a recent tire to starA back or elsethehose woiü be turned i her replied: "Oh, I don't care; thcy are striped on both sidos, anyway." and above all you should not spend it anyway. Sunday is the Lord's day, and you should not spend anything thatdoes not belong to you, lest you be arrested for embezzlement. -Ark. Traveller. The Mayor oí a, Western city declines to interfere with the Sunday delirery of milk. He says water is a neeessity of life, and he can't help it if they do mix a little chalk with it. - Lowell Citizen. The proper study of mankind is how to organize a respectable luneheon on twentv-five cents. Man wants but little here below, but he makes a great disturbance if he doesn't gct everything. Brigham Yonng's grave is utterly neglected, and his widows never visit it. They went their once to cry over his remains, but it made the ground so slormv that thev causrht coltl.- Las Vegas Optie. A Wilkesbarre man took his seat in the barber's chair; he askcd the barber if he had the same razor he had used two days before. Being answered affirmatively, the patiënt man said : "Give me chloroform." "Oh, dear!" sighed Mrs. P., with a tooth-aohe. "Why can't pooplo bo born without teethP" . "If yon will reflect a moment, mydear," replied Mr. P., "you will be convinced that such isthe fact.' -Burlington Frce Pross. Building is going on in Fhiladelphia so fast this spring that tho man who got to sleep on a Tot at night is liable to havo a roof over his beau in the mornjng - that is, if tho pólice do their diïty. - Philadelphia Herald. It may bo a big souree fur consolation when a po' man sita down an' says: ■'It's all right, fur dcrichman can't get ter hcaven, but give de po man a chance, an' see how quick ho'd stand in de richman'sshoes. - Ark. Traveller. "So you are married at lhst, Charlie. I hear your wifc is a vei-y energelic wornan and keet things stirred up. Of course you married her for love. ' ' ' 'No, ' ' said the husband, lraeing himself up "I married her to cure my dyspepsia." "Are your doniestic relations agreeable?" was the question put to an unhappy looking specimen of humanity. 'üb, my donicitio relations are all right," was the reply, "it is my wife's rolat'oas that are causing the trouble. - Rocheeter Post-Dispatch. He went to the back door, and thero he saw his galden, the pride of his wakinff hours and the subject of his dreams, looking likc an editor s omce. He sat down on the door-step and said: "Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these. I keep a hen." "Mv face is my fortune, sir!" indignantly responded a fleshy young lady when her suitor deiicately attempted to scrand her financial prospecta "It is certainly a large one, then;" drily responded ] ie young man as he took hiS nat and cane to leave.- Burlington Free Peese. As has before been stated, Mr. Zabrieskowatschivera is a Minnesota man and the hotel clerk who tried the name by followinjr it upside down as Mr. Z., wrote it on the register and then called him by name, lost three teeth and strained his jaw, and has since been a raving maniac. -Boston Post. No, young man. it doesn't hurt you a partióle to sow your wild oats Go ahead amd sow as you wisb. But it's the gathering in of the erop that will make you howl. And you will have to gather it, ton. IL you don't it gathers you in, and one is a great deal worse than the other.- Baptist Weekly. London Truth says that donkey is infinitely better eating than beef or niutton. "There are, howcver, a good niany persons who could not eat donkey without exposing themselves to the charge of cannibalism," says the Chicago Times. The first thought of a Chicagoian is always himself.- Boston Post. Maniie having beeu üeipea uvice u everything an thetable, slid down, when the coffeo came in, froru the chair, with a sigh. "There now," said her mamma, "I suppose that you have caten so mnch that you feel uncomfortable." "Don't" replied Mamie, with a toss of her little head, "Ionly justfeel nicc andsmooth." Harper's Bazar. "Say, George," said the niarried man whose wife had been ill; "Fve discharged that nurse we had, and I'm taking her place myself, now." "Taking her place?" inquired George. "What part of her work can you do, old man?" "Oh; I can do it about all, was the reply. "I always was a sound slecper." - Lowell Citizen. "Then, if I understand yon," said a merchant to a customer, "yon do not intend to pay me the amountyou owe?" "Yoxir understandingis correct, Cap'n." "And you cali yourself an honest man. do you?" "Yes, sir. If I wero not honest I would tell you Uiat I intended to pay; but, being honest, I do not wish to deceive you.'"- Indianapolis Scntmcl. Worsethan the cavalry.- "Thirty-five lawyers in Greenville to-day?" said an oíd soldier; "why, that is as large as Gen. Wheoler's critter companies during the last days of the war." "Yes," said a man who had just lost his case, "and they are doing more harm than all the cavalry on both sides during the last war.- Merriweather (Ga.) Vindicatar. inaCrowd.- "Who is that man?' "Oh, he is one of the most prominent Americana." "Who is that other one?" "He is a distinguished GermanAtuerican." "And that one?" "A well-known F American." "And that ono over there with a bundie under his arm?" "Oh, he's no body- nothing but an American."- Philadelphia News. The ;ma.ing alucrity with which many of the Indians havo suddenly offercd to tako farms and settle down to agricultural pursuite, is now explained. It was only about a month ago that the gentle sayages learned, for the first time, that whisky was made from eorn. And ever since they have been just crazy to put in 10,000 acres of corn to each brave.- Burdette. A Pittsbnrg lady doctor says that women can imderstand women, and that it oiten does a patiënt more gouu 10 talk to her of spring bonnets and wraps than is effecten by medicine. Husbands and fathers want to look out for that lady physician. Iustead or recomniending fifty cents worth of aqua pura for a sick headacho, sho may prescribe a fourteen dollar bonnet, or a twenty-fi ve dollar surah ovcr-skirt, or something that way.- Norristown Horald. "What time does the Stato Road train leavo?" asked a lady of a railroad man. '■Two torty-five," was the ready reply. 'Well, I declare," she said, a puzzled ook covering her face, "Atlanta is the strangest place 1 ever saw about giving nformation." "Why so?" asked the railroad man. "Becauso, just now I asked a gentleman what hour the train [eft, and he said a quarter to three, and now you say tvve forty-flve; I can't understand it to save mv Ufe. The man walkcd ofl, leaving her to study out the problem. - Georgia Major. "Sir," said a suspieious-looking individual on Congrcss Avenue, accosting a business man, in New York, -'eleven men represint two hundred million dollars' "Is that so?" -"Yes. Now, in Austin the wealth is not quito so niuch concentrated. We will assume that twenty of us represent one hun', dred tliousand dollars." "Yes."' "We will also asstiine that you and I aro two of the twenty. ' "Yes." "Well, tneu, how would it be if I wanted to draw out ten cents from the capital stock of the syndicate? Would you let me have Mis. Crainsie wanted a cook. A colred woman named Malvina Strunk alled on her. "Ise a fust-class washer ' iner, but I doesn't like to work at i ! . ■-.- Ise mo' parshul for cookïnV Wi II U's a cook I want. I presume ou oan give references or bring testinonials to show that you are faithful, nd not inclined to chango about as most cooksdo?" "Yes' na Iso faithfnl ur a fac'. Iso had the same colored remmen visitin' mefor mor'n six monfs ïn' I've no spectation of changin1 at east not till cotton pickin' time.. I've never been 'cuscd of not bein' faithful, an1 I hab been marriedlots ob times. -