The Boxed Ear

ÏRANSLAÏED FROM THE GERMÁN. Mr. and Airs. Stieitig were a yonng married couple. They lived in a largo house in Beriin, in which there werc several other families. Once he was in the sitting room awaiting her return. She retnrned about 9 o'clock, and apparently in the best of humor, for she wtis kuighing when she entered the room. He- You must havehada jolly time of it, Eliza. She (stilllauihing)- I'llbetanything in the world you can't guess what I ani laughing about. O, it wasjusttoo funny for anything, and beforeremoving her hat and doak she sat down in a chair, and took another hearty laugh. "I haven't the slightest idea what you are laughing about." "Well, Dl teil you at once, and relieve your curiosity. Mr. Van Duzen boxed his wife's ears." "It's not possible; not before everybody?" "Yes, he did. He gave her such a box on the ear at the supper table that some of the eompany covei-ed up their heads with the napkins for fear of being hit by the flying splinters. It sounded like hitting a beefsteak with the flat side of an ax, or blowing open a safe. He wanted the lamp on the right side of the table on account ol his weak eyes. She wan Led to put it on the left side of the table, so she could the better show off her diamonds. He pulled tbe lamp over to the right, and she pulled it back to the left. They did that half a dozen times until I was afraid the lamp would explode. All at once she grabbêd up the lamp, and set it down in the middle of a big dish of spinach, then she caught it fair and square on the left cheek. 1 had to laugh at her stupid look when he smacked her face, but I was very angry at hina, for I think that the man who strikes a woman ia a miserable coward." "Oh, yes; very often he is." "Very often! No, sir, the man who strikes a woman is always a wretched coward." "But suppose she exasperates him beyond er.durance? There are such women." "Have you got thehardihood to defend that brute Van Duzen for brutally assaulting his wife?" 'By no means. All I ay is that there are cases where a woman ought to be slammed against the wall until she adheres to it." "By say ing that there are such cases do you want to bring about that sort of a crisis in this family, eh?" "Great heavens! no, not even in a dream do I want to put such a cataclasm in motion." "What do you mean by laughing in that manner?" "I am laughing at the idea of Van Duzen cuffing his wife's ears." "He is a brute andyou areno better. You men always uphold each other in your devilish rascality . I suppose you would like to follow his example and box my ears." "No, I would not proceed to such extreme measures, although you do love to quarrel sometimes." "Do you daré to intímate, that, under anycircumstances, you would box my ears?" "Oh, no, I'd be afraid to take any such risks, although you are very provoking at times." "Do you say that I- I- am provoking- that I like to dispute?" "My dear, be calm; don't you remember how you insisted this morning that the actor, Haase, is blonde?" "And so he is." "But I teil you that he has dark brown hair and eyes." "And I teil you that he ia a blonde. You are a liar?" she screamed. "All right, it's just as you say; but piense don't box my ears," he retorted. "You needn't try any of your feeble sarcasm on me." "Once more I say you are right. His dark hair has turned into a beautiful old gold just because you say so. You could be bottled up and sold foi hair dye, youareasource of revenue." "If you were a gentleman, which you are not, never was, and never will be, you would have admittedyour mistake and asked my pardon, but that is more than could be expected of you. Nobody can mak o a silk purse out of a pig's ear. "Thank you, dear. Now, if you have no objection, we will close the debate," "I'd iike toknow how you carne to know so much about that actor, Haase. I wonder if you are not in the habit of goin behind the scènes and associating with actors and actresses, instead of spending your time with your family?" Mr. Streitig sighed heavily, and turned his eyes up to the ceiling. "That's right keep your mouthshut, Don"t give yourself away. Don't answer any oï my questions. You believe in the motto. Ask me no questions and I 11 teil you no lies." "I am not feeling well, and if you would only give me only a partial rest I would regard it in thelight cf a priceless boon." "I think you might make a feeble effort to act the part of a gentleman." "Vou said a wnile ago that it was impossible for me to do so. What is I tho uso of my trying? What would you think of me if I were to expect you to quit quarreling for a whole day?" líe walked into the next room with a gesture of despair. She followedhim up, and said tauntingly: "O, yes; you think it was something grand and noble for Van Duzen tobox his wife's ears. Now, let me warn you, George, don't you let yourself be ! tempted to ever raise your hand to me, or l'11-I'll ." Ho said nothing, but he walked out into the kitchen and glarcd out into the darkness. "0 yes, gnash your teeth as much as you please, and shrug your ehoulders if you feel like it, but don't you ever lay your hand on me or I'll- rii - .- He turned to go into the next room. She got in front of him, and shaking her finger under his nose she said: "Just touch meif you dai-e, you pit. iful bully. You think bwause I am a ] poor, meek, feeble woman, who never i cays anything to a'nybody, that you can trample me under íoot, but I tel I yon, George, beware! beware! Even the worm that is trod on will turn." "Please don't gouge my eye out. You have been holding your fineer in my eye for tlie last two minutes," he i said, pushing away her hand. "I teil you that Haase is blond, j You can murder me if you want to, and I know you want to, but he is blond, blond, blond. Do you hear, you sneak?" He went out into the hall andbegan to go up the steps to get out on the roof. She followed him up the steps, saying to him: "I suppose you are going to pay a visit to those other brutes who beat their wives. Beat me, I just dare you to; beat me; you cowardly brute." He did not reply, but kept onupthe stairs, she following him, and saying: "He is blond, now box my ears, ifvou dare." He had reached the top floor, and was gasping for fresh air. She snid: "Yes, now that you have lured me up tothe top floor, where there aieno witnesses, touch me if you dare." "You will drive me crazy, Eliza. Will you keep your mouth shut for H little while?" "He is blond, I say." "Don't say that again." "He is blond, blond, bloró." "For the third and last ti'nie, shut up." he oxclaimed, angrily. "He - is - blond." Bang! There was asudden explosive sound like the abrupt shutting of a door. He had reached her a boxed ear that deserves to be printed in big capitals. She burst into teavs mul covered her face with her hands. The sudden shock had a beneficial effect on her nerves. "I beg your pardon, ten thousand times. 1 did it before I thought. Forgive me," said George. "No," she sobbed, "it was all my fault. I will never do it again. Besides, I was mistaken. I mixed up the actor Haase with Christine Nilsson." P. S. - The noise of the boxed ear was so loud that the people living on the top floor came out in the hall-way, where they saw husbandand wifebusily engased in kissing each other. Next day the lady living on thothird ttoor remarked: "That Mrs. Streitig is the most affectionate woman I ever saw. He can't go up to the roof at night to shut down the trap without her following him and slobbering over him. I should think it would sickenhim."- Texas Siftings.