Wit And Humor

A man om-es 1 ii tic for hU wrong Wlicu getling his fuueral ritos. A pisto] is wel! eiiotigh, thinks The Bnffiilo Courier, but thero Ls ilways a fooi at uno eiul or the othei' oL it. "Young niiin," sm'k! Mr. Daniel Hice "do yo;i want lo up down (o a dnmkard's grave?" 'Wcll," replied tho young man. "1 ilou't caro it' [ do AVheivabouls Ls your fuinily lot?" The observant '"small boy" wout tO chiiruli aiM.1 IwuiL ihe minister repesN edly s:iy in bis pmyer, '"Graut us, O Lord." " ilf ivo: icii at homo tlint ih niiuistor ■■ooiiic o.it sti-on for Gi-aai." The sicJs man luid beonbrought back ;i it'by i miníele, froin the very gntes of deilth. "It, ir loo i:i, too bad' Bays the clcrgyiiimi ; "he'll never lio half us rotiily lo ilie as 1 luid hiin thia umi'. 1 iHjver took so uiuch paiua wi.h a siiincr bcí'oL'c." '■Will 'oo kiiow me, niainma, when wo get lo Ueiweii!"' saida IHtlcS-yeorold. "Oh, ye, dear, of conrse, wa shnll know enn'i otlier thore. Do yon tliiuk you will know your niamma?" '■Oh. 'o FU know'oo by'oo wcd luür." "What's tho matter, my dcar?" snicl a kiud wtfo to'hcr luisbnnd, who had sat for hali'an hoiir wiüi his face baricd in lila hands, and apuarontly iu ai-eat Iribiilation. ()h, 1 don't know ; ï feit iikea fooi all day." "Well," Kiid his wií'c coii-olingly, "yon look the very indure ot' what-you t'ccl." A company of serapeerraces meeting .1 pious ol I man ñamo I Samson, ono of tliein uxulainifíd. "Ah, now we're safe. We'll lake Sarasou aloug with m, and the, Should we be ret upon by a thoiisnnd l'hilislines, he'll slay thora all." "My yoiuig friend," quietJy responded the oíd m m, -to do ihat I slionld üave to bonow your jawbonc!" Au eminent finoncier, feoling UU end approach, senda for li Is spiritual ad viser, and coufex-ses to hini that lio hfti been guilty of man y sins of conmiission and of eiuission. "Of oinission, you meiin," eay9 the clergyman. "No, of emission, - eniiíiinn' watered stock.-s and bo.'ns California gokl-inining' oompftny shares for tlic lainbs to browso on, - that's what 1 mean." I rnv $-10 a year. Girit - That is not enough. Lady - But bosides yon will gct i)resoiits that you don't tret everyw liore : $10 al tSitstor, a iiew dress at Clii'istmas. auil $2 orory timo there i a baptism in the f'omily. Girl- Dut I can not dcpeud qd gctting the lastitem evcry yeai1 for a corta iiity. Lady - Whcn í say a thing I mean it. It has beeri i lie oustom inourfariiily, ancl aa loiig as I livo it will uot büabolished. A caulious writer will nlwíiysbo oír his giíaiil ftgainst i ho accuniíilation of proota lcat that uhould liappen Lo liim vvhich is said to have oceurred ta Bishop Lílooinlickl. Al'ter tlie learnoj Bishojj liad pi'eachoJ a sermón on tlie exislenco ol'God, an ailnihing fannei' was lioard to .-ay : "üur Bishop'a a' inaiii ümaI ro:icher, bul 1 cau't lielp thinking u.i how Uiero be a Gud aí'Lor all." Somo bors as well as somo men are quick-witted cnough to lurn a mistako intoiinadvaiilago. Whcnachild in a small Bavarian villaje was bein catechised by a priest, and asked bovr niany Ihiua ure uoces&iry in a sorvico of bapiisiii, he promptly replied: Thivc. t'.itlici-." "Ah, you stupid," replied ihe Iioly man, "t thoughi ev erybody know tliat only two are absolutoly iiecessary : Örst, water, uid second, thu liiblo. Now, youiijf sir, won'i, 5'ou teil me whataro tho tlirec?"' The boy loukcd u wiih a blaad emilo, and inswered : "My fatlier,the tli ree are: flrst, water; seuond, tho liibie : and lliird, a baby." At Gillingham, near Chatham, Ensrland, a singular ball was recently Leid. The party was made np of lil'Ly-jiine ladiea and geutleuteu wnose unit-ed ages amounted to 4, 251) years. A gren; lemán boni in 17'JU oponed Ihe dance with a lady oiily foni" years hisjuuioij iui.l it is said that tlicir walizing- was as Ijri.-k as ihat of (Uy young coupleof tweuty. In tho lust editton of Dickons's worka is a littlo farco entitled '-Tho Strange Gentleman," proiluced at lliobt. James's Theatre, London, iü 183Ö,which undoubtcdly oontains tho original .sketch of Sani Veller undcr tiio name of Torn Sparks. Otherwise no' dullor dramatic prodaction was ever pennod, oxoept Charles Lauib' a '"Mr,II.," which niight ruu iu cuuplcs witlt it. The production of beet root sugar' in Europe, aeourdiug Lo tbo staiistios furuisheil by Ilcrr Licht, of Majfdebm'g, was 1,380,000 tona lor 1879, against 1,574,154 lous tbr 1S78. Th is aniouiit is uivitlcil ;:s t'ollows anionj Uio varion 8 Males ui' E uro pc: Goiv many, 410,000 kuis: Franco, 800,000 Auslro-liungary, 304,000; [tast;ia'y 225,000; Belgiuiu, Holland, llaly, Ac., 80,00U. ï ii BVauco t ie (liininutioii iit the roductiou oi' üiió article was 10-',0ü0 tuu. A landscape paintor is making ii sketch of a iicasitni'a liouso - usual bit of 1 ree, a lid oíd root' stink in a liulo.T!ií; peasant cotnes to look over tiio' ai'iisi's shoulder, "Yoirre cUiiii along uoll," lio says ; "iliiit's niy' liouno lo Liie lifo. ïhero'8 the hg stoni; chimnoy - 11 know it anywliorc" Artisl continúes liis labor. Peasant - "Oh, 1 say, if 1 were yon I wouliln't put in the other chiiniioy. li, isu't woi'tli lüc ti'ouble. It suiukos abomioabJv." ■ Speakers shonld beeareflil in givinjf Ieauing questioits, especial ly to clnldrcn. A teacher aled lus school j "VVitli whut rcmarkuule weapou did Saiiison at one time slay a niiinber of Pliüistine?" For awhilo il ie re was no answoi' ; and llie teacher, to assist tho iliiUlreu a littlo, oomrnoiiced tap piiiíí tiisjaw witli tho ti[of hi tingèr, ti t the sanie timo e.ryÍ4ig, "What's tliis? wbafs th8?" Quiuk is thought, on 1 il tic fbllow innoi'ontly ivpUcil, "Tha jaw-bonu oi'iiu ass, sir." A wcll-knowu beauty in Lomloi society oooopied a singa iio at a thoalor in tlie BtrftiKl. Her white fura and diamojids wene iho admhtitiou of tho liousc. Shorlly at'ier llu: boanly's departure, an al tcndant (biuul a starof bfillinnts in the box, and, liko an hou et-t wonian, gave tho treasurc-trovo into tlio hands of the nianageineut. No inquines vore made next day at thetheatcraboui ï.'.c loa -ar, bat ulti niately it found itsway into thorightl'ul owner's hand. ïhe oddocít part of Llie stoi'y rcinain.s to be told. ïiic diamouds woro -