The Bumptious Bicycle

"I dou't like the bicycle. I am rather sociably inclined, and like to say sí'1'' morning, and pass the time oí day with people I meet, ask about the crops and politice, and whether they are troubled with sciatisa, or hives, or chillblains, and such; but, General Jackson ! Ky the time yon get your lips fixed for a word tliis two wheeled teetering machine is a half a mile in the country; and yon are le ft standing on the córner, with your niouth wide open, looking for all the world like a "cheerful idiot," or "Thompson's colt." ïhen, the bicycle must. be hard on the riders too; as they whi. past, they wear such an intense and pained expression ; they cannot turn their head, or take their eyes off the front end of the trinket ; can't give any attention to their nose in thawing weather, can't even spit, if the wind is ahead, and when they start, have to stick their chewing gum under the saddle, as their jaws must be at rest and perfectly balancee!, while the machine is in motion. Speaking of chewing gum, that isn't really safe either; such constant exercise of the jaws relaxes the muscles, aud weakens the ligaments, so that a regular gum fiend can't close bis mouth tightly, and if he s,tops chewing for a few moments, his lower jaw drops, and he looks for all the world like a tired calf, on a hot day. "Xot long ago, a passsenger on a M. C. train, stopped chewiug gum long enough to yawn, and in doing this dislocated his jaw ; and the train had to be held at a station 30 minutes to secure a doctor, and get it back where it belonged ; and tlien it had to be bandaged in place, compelliug him to stop chewing for six weeks ; had to have a big front tooth pulled, so he could be fed torridjje tbrougb s goose quill until he got well. Yes; chewing gum is nearly is fatal as bicycling, but it don't make you look so wild and Bcared and buinp backed, and bow legged, and hollow ihested, and knee sprung, and 'black md blue' as the other. "Ves sir, and the bicycle ought to go (out of use, I mean) so people could get over their moroseness, and lameness, and soreness, buy a horse and buggy, ard visit and be sociable, and keep in touch with their neighbors and neighboresses again. Can't do tliat on a b■ycle ; not even if it is a tándem, with the sweetest of girls on the front seat ; slie is just before you, and you can almost reach her, and wish your arins ere a little lotiger, or the tantalizing cycle a little shorter; the cute little curls beckon you on, from under the rim f her dear little hat, but strive as you uiay, the hard hearted steel frame holds you apart, and uo matter how fast your corduroys' fly up and down, slie is 'just so near, and yet so far." "No sir, no bicycle in mine. I had lots liever take a long pleasant walk, and nobody along, but Susan and me." And there you have that fellow'sopin ion. But it is not the opinión of those who have once feit the thrill and the sparkle of a good ride awheel. It must be that this young niau is deficiënt in energy or something.