The German Barber

" You vos a commercial draffler. eh V "No.11 The assistíint to the Gorman barber was the one who asked tho question, addre-wing ie to a atender but middle aged man in theehair at whioh he earned his far from monotonous way through life. He had shaved tliis enstomer two or three times before, and was endeavoring to find out all about liim, as all barbéis always have done when their curiosity was np and their man was down and lathered and wel] tucked in. "Oh, you're ohoost a glerk by a adore, ehT' '■No; sliave up whin you git to me neck. Me neck is tinder." "Certently; I know dot. Maype you peen in der ligger peezness. Veil, dols a une peezness, bartickler uf yon got a good shtand. I know a frent of mine from der samo willage vhera I vos boni, urd he got" 'Me frind, O'im not in the saloon trade, at all, and so ye're joost wastin' yer breath. Aisy wid your razor on me chin.' "A) righd; you keeb your peezness by yourselluf. I ehoost like to niake mineselluf bolite mit you, dot"s all." The job was practically finished, the last strokes of the brush werebeingapplied, when "the monkey barber," as the boss always called him, on account of his foolishneis, exhibited a loss both of temper and discretion, owing to the customer's reticeuce. "Uf you vos ashamed von your peezness you done right not to told somedings apowd dot; vot it vos. A inan's got to put von eye out und look shai-p Hko der teffle uowadays, on ackound uf Anthony Gomstocks und Insbector Villiams und der society for der brewentionuf cruelty, alretty ; bartickler uf he vos doing grooked peeziiess, yet." "Thundt'r and stars!" shouted the customer, literally beside himself and springing out of the ehair. "Fwtat d'ye mane at all, Vid yer slackí Me bizness is me bizness, and it's not the rights of anny monkey faced, cracked javred larrup ivaDootch divil to crass quistion me fwhiuiver he has me laid out in a chair at his convanience. Me bizness, is it.' It's lickin' the Dootch; that's fwhat it is. There, now; come on, now, tiil I polish the flure wid yer head." "Hol1 on! Sdop a leetle! Vait choost a minute!" said the boss. rushinir to tha aid of his assistant. ';Dis ding's got to been bluyed owd. Whoeffer licks dot poy must first lick mineselluf. It vos flfe year, now, vot effery bugnaeious Irishmans b}' der city has peen licking dot poy, und it costs rne a veeks vages for a substidoot each dime alrett3'." "Oi'll lick the two av yer and all yer relations," said the irate customcr. "U'yo think Oi'll lay shtill aud let a comió picture froni a Dootcli paper walk all over me wid bis tongue" "Chimany cracky!" shouted the Germán barber, seizing the hot water kettle with its gallon of boiling contents. "A man can't die more as vonce, alretty. Run, or I boil you mit der kettle. Chake! Vhy der tiekens don't you do somedings? Kick der stof e ofer und glimb by der sdreet und yell liko sexty, or ehump down his troat und carve your vay owd from his boots mit der razor. I show you, you pig loaver." At the same instant the Germán barber began to swing the kettle like a inadman. The assistant lifted the great slab of marble off the table, and both ad vaneed toward the customer. They were too much for him. He seized his bat and overcoat and fled, pausing at the door to hiss something about a lunatio asylum between his teeth. When he liad gone the Germán barbel1 dropped into a chair in a paroxysm o! laughter. "Chake," said he, "dot's der greatest day uf my