You are the only one in your class, your grade. As you look around the classroom, you are aware that no one shares the yellow undertones of your skin or your wiry straight black hair. They turn to stare at you, and you shrink back in your seat. You are different.

You bury your face into your arms and hide.

They speak rapidly, their voices falling and rising in sharp tones—Mandarin. When they turn to you, you are silent. You do not understand. They laugh in their mistake and continue the conversation in English, to include you. But their eyes flash as you exchange glances with them.  You are not one of us, they say.

They notice your accent when you speak. Your palms sweat as you struggle to find the right words. Your throat closes up. She grew up in America, your mother explains. You lower your head, but you feel their accusatory stares. An American.

The words pound in your head. You are different. You are alone.

You punch through the glass ceiling. The world shatters around you, and in the destruction, you see yourself for the first time.

You are beautiful.

My ears rang with sirens as the pulled me onto a cart and into an ambulance. Crackling echoed off the homes and streets of my neighborhood and people crowded around the rubble, but the dust in the air kept them from seeing the full picture. The doors slammed shut and we accelerated fast off to a hospital. All I could see were the eyes of the crowd lit with flames as they watched the building collapse. My arms, full of black and red marks, felt as they were still covered in fire, but my eyes stung the worst from the ashes. I tried my hardest to stay awake, but slowly everything faded and became blurry. An oxygen mask was quickly strapped onto my face, but by then my sight was gone and so was the house that had been burnt into dust.

Blue is the sea waves that we only saw crest on serene mornings. You’d gently wake me up and take my little hand in yours, your eyes smiling as we snuck past Mama, who was fast asleep.

Tick.

Blue is the checkered tie I gave you when I was nine. I picked it out myself, only to discover when you unwrapped it on your birthday that you owned the same one.

Tick.

Blue is the bike you bought me. You were so excited to go riding, but all I wanted to do was stay inside. We’d have plenty of years to go riding together.

Tick.

Blue is the banners we hung. We wanted to be proud of your fight. I wasn’t proud. I wanted to leave our footprints on that beach again. I wanted to buy you a thousand more ties that you already owned. I wanted to go on one more stupid bike ride. But you hadn’t been home in a while.

Tick.

Blue is the clock on my bedroom wall. I thought we had time, Dad. I thought you were going to sit in the audience for my graduation and play with your grandkids. But time ran out.

Pain shoots through my upper back. My mouth is dry and aching for water. I feel a sharp ringing in my head. I open my eyes slowly to see glass all over the ground, smashed up cars a few feet away. I look down at my hands and arms to see cuts and bruises. I raise my body slowly so I’m sitting with my head up. Immediately I feel pain in my head. I sit there waiting for the world to stop spinning. I move slowly to my hands and knees. Every time I move slightly I wait for the dizziness to fade. I’m standing now and I can see another person moving. Holding a box thats lighting up. They put it up to their ear and I can see their lips moving. I start walking the other direction. They give me no intrest.

Ive been walking awhile and my legs are starting to ache. Pain wanders my whole body. I start coming across a patch of trees. As I keep walking I come to a clearence. Standing there in the trees is a blue cabin. Feeling adventurous I walk in to find a giant soft bed, full furnished kitchen and bathroom, and a couch in front of a luxurious fire place. I get into the large fluffy bed and close my eyes. I’m off to sleep in seconds.

I wake up to a sharp headache and its bright outside which makes it worse. My stomach grumbles for a nice giant meal. I look around to see a couple apples and bananas. I open the fridge to my suprise sitting there is a giant turkey. Theres also milk, a plate of pancakes, a dozen sandwiches, and snacks galore. I grab it all. The turkey is already cooked, hot, and ready for me to eat. After the meal I’m still left hungry but I move on to outside. It’s bright out to I figured I would explore now. I pass animals almost in every tree. I hear them talking about me. About how I’m strange. “STOP” I yell furious. I red bird flies to my feet. “We are so very sorry we just want to welcome you” tweets the red bird. “Thank you, I appreciate it” I say as a move on to the edge of the forest. “Before you go I think we may know where your friends are” the red bird says ressuringly. “You may not remeber them but they were in the crash with you. They live in a apartment at the edge of the woods” Images of a two girls flash through my head. Of us baking a cake, at the park, in a school, and more.  My tongue starts burning as a move closer. My head turns hot like fire. My clothes catch a spark and burn. I scream as a run back to the cabin. Like it never happened my clothes are normal and I feel almost cold. I try again cautious, to not catch fire again. I vear towards the edge of the forest. I run out so I can’t catch flame.

At a little distance away from the woods was a tall building as the bird ressured me. I walk up to red door in front. I don’t bother to knock and walk in. Stairs lead to three apartments above me and four apartments below me. I walk up the stairs first. I knock on 2A first but there was no answer. Next I move on to 2B. The door opens to a little old lady. “May I help you” the lady whispers almost as if shes scared. “Im looking for my friends, black hair and blonde” I whisper back. “I tdon’t kno what your talking about” the old lady says sadly. “If I do I hate to say but they both passed away in a car crash two years ago” Images of two girls and me get placed in my head. Of us shopping, at school, at a cheer practice. Then a memory of us in a car. We were singing a song. Jingle bells plays in my head. My friend swerves right down a street leading to the highway. It goes dark. My tongue starts to burn. My eyes water. My clothes catch flame once again. I scream and run in circles. The old lady reaches for her phone and dials.

I wake up to a police officer sitting next to me.

“We were directed to talk to Amanda right when she woke up” The police man says as he gestures me to follow him.

He takes me to a small plain room with a table and two chairs in the middle. “Please take a seat I only have to ask you a few questions” I sit in the chair closest to the door.

“First If I may ask, where did you go when you woke up after the crash” I refused to answer. He didn’t need to know. “Amanda” he whispers

“ A cabin” He scribbles down notes. “A blue cabin in the woods” I glance at his notes. His handwriting is terrible.“Your handwriting is terrible” He dosen’t seem to notice that I was talking.

“What was inside this cabin?”

“A big feast. Turkey, fruit, milk, sandwiches, and pancakes” He scribbles another note.

“Is this the cabin” He slides over a picture of a cabin without a roof, broke windows, and blue chipped paint.

“It can’t be. It was fully furnished and everything. He scribbles more. I start sweating. Burning

“Did you touch anything in the cabin?”

“It all felt so real I mumble”

“Lets move on” He quickley states. “What did you do in the cabin”

“I fell asleep in the big fluffy bed. Then woke up and explored the woods”

“What did you do in the woods”

“I talked to the animals, they told me to go to the apartment to find my friends” he scribbled as he noded his head

“Okay Amanda I would like you to take me to this cabin.” Two big men walk in and escort me to a van.

I ride in the van for awhile. I feel the van pulling onto a gravel road. The doors to my side of the car open up and bright light shoots in. The sun hurts my eyes. We are in the parking lot to the apartments where my friends lived. “Take me to the cabin Amanda” the police man says. I jump out of the car and start towards the woods. We walk up to the clearing to the fully furnished cabin. “Amanda” the police man starts slowly, “theres nothing here”. I don’t know what he’s talking about. The cabin is sitting right there. “What are you talking about” I whisper. He stays silent. One of the big men whisper to the police man. “I think she sees it but she dosent know its not real” he whispers back. I hope he knows he’s bad at whipering. My body starts to burn. I scream. Its bad this time. It hurts really bad. “Come on Amanda lets go” the police man yells. I can’t stop. The burning won’t stop. “AMANDA” he yells. I stop. Everything stops. The cabin turns into rubble. My stomach turns empty and starving. My head starts spinning. I shiver and fall to the ground. The darkness forms aorund me. My whole world turns to pixels. It eats me whole.

I blink, because I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Vanessa doesn’t even move. Her body is frozen. She pulls her foot out from underneath the water. Her mom had just bought her new skates. They were white, just like the snow that was all over Vanessa’s raven-colored hair. It looks like the sky at night- the snow that has fallen onto it is the stars. My glasses fall out of my fingertips, which I can barely feel due to the cold, as I brush the snowflakes on my eyelashes away. Vanessa finally looks up, and her eyes match the color of the water underneath the ice, a striking seaglass blue. Vanessa stands up, and sighs. I can see her warm breath in the air. She bends down and ties her skates. I stare down at my feet. I’m wearing mom’s wool socks. My eyes start to travel across the ice, until I see a slim crack leading from Vanessa over to my side of the ice. When I yell for Vanessa, the ice breaks, and I feel my whole body, being submerged in the freezing water. The last thing I see is Vanessa’s head before I let my eyes close.

Every time I walk out into the woods and hear the rustle of a branch or crackle of the autumn leaves beneath my feet, I could almost swear the woods are singing for me. It’s a cacophony of all the sounds in the wild, and the beat is complex and recalls elements of jazz.

I keep going back. The beauty is almost unbearable. The sky is always a pearly blue-gray, leaves waving happily on the ends of stout branches. As I walk down the familiar, well-trodden path I can feel the wind caressing me, cool and persistent. I could walk the path with my eyes closed and not trip on a tree branch or loose stone, for I know that the wind would catch me.

No one can know. Even if someone believed me, they would never understand how it feels when the grass tickles your bare feet or when the river laps at your heels. The thing that matters isn’t the feeling of magic, but the quietude. The whole place feels like the river itself, minding its own business and winding a path through the world.

I turn over. I’m too hot. I shift the blanket, and hang one of my legs off the bed. I look at the clock on the left.

11:52

I reach over to the side table, and drink a sip of water. I glance at the clock.

12:06

I get up--I need the toilet…

I stand, and walk the two feet to the door. A drowsy feeling comes over me. My body feels cold. I touch the handle as my eyes droop. I stagger back to my bed, not realizing that the knob wouldn’t give when I tried to turn it. Laying down, I catch a glimpse of the clock.

12:09

I wake curled uncomfortably on my side, my head against the wall. My head hurts. I turn, my eye heavy. I drink all the water, trying to wash away the mucus. I squint at the alarm clock. I’m freezing. I fall on the bed.

2:48

Someone open the door, and light streams in. Two strong hands grab my arms and walk me away. All I hear is, “Your sleep test has been completed. The water was fine, with the cold side-effect.”

The clock says 00:00.

We are far away before we see the military going the other direction. My brother sitting there under a quilt I made in a summer camp long ago. We brought it for sentimental value. I look into the back of our car, at the things we saved. My laptop, his laptop, as well as my kindle.

As we approach a 7-11, I ask if he wants to stop for slushies, because a sugar rush could be exactly what he needs.He says no. I know that's because what he wants is behind us, in a crater and covered with smoke on the other side of the mountains. The place where we had spent most of our life. The place that was gone forever…

        With the warm light of the new day becoming brighter. A huge flutter of sound erupted as birds took flight. People watched from below, looking at the beauty, people gathered to see a black, fluttering, shifting cloud. No one notices the small shape that came to a stop. No one noticed how it started to fall like a stone, how it kept falling, how it crashed into a bird below. No one saw, two shapes spiraling down. No one saw two black shapes plummeting to their end. No one saw, as two black birds fell to meet their end. Because every person below was watching the beauty of crows against the rising sun.

Last memory

It became harder and harder to keep my eyes open, even though they were yelling out to me “don’t go to sleep jake”“jake open your eyes” none of it matter because I was far to gone. All of sudden a rush of memories hit my mind before I closed my eyes forever. From my dad putting his soft hands on my face telling me “everything will be okay” to the women I love the most in the world. The image of she being with her husband holding their two daughters shot my mind harder than the bullets in me, it should have been me. It should have been me instead of him, I loved her I was there when he was not , I was there when they would fight, I was there before they were married. Damm I guess this is it. “Jake open your goddamn eyes”