“In those last few seconds, my eyes are filled with the azure sky and the bungalow’s ivory roofs. Fleeting birds leave vague shadows behind. At that deafening moment, everything is stained with blood squirting from my lung. The body decays, but the brain and the heart are still running forward. I must continue to run. I must run. ”
01
When the roaring wind almost overturned their teetering house, Wang Zhaodi was washing dishes. The wooden door seemed to be cracking from the side, and the thatch roof was dropping drastically. The baggy shirt slapped Zhaodi’s body, but she seemed used to it, and continued with her work.
After all were done Zhaodi turned around, shaking off water from her hand. A drop of water splashed right onto her mother’s face. Leaning on the creaky door, she darted a disdain look at Zhaodi and announced,
“Zhaodi, you are old enough. I betrothed you to this Wu family. Wu Xiaohu is your man.”
Zhaodi froze, and mulled over her mother’s words. She didn’t understand the significance behind “marriage”, but to people in her village, it was like birth or death, something everyone had to go through.
“They are in Dongsheng Village. I’ll send you there next week.”
Zhaodi was astonished: among the several villages here, Dongsheng Village was the richest. Why would the Wu family want a wife from a poorer village?
Avoiding her querying eyes, her mother walked away.
The next day, Zhaodi found out why. Her little brothers were chasing each other around in the room, smirking at Zhaodi,
“Wang Zhaodi, Mama sold you away to be somebody’s wife!”
Zhaodi understood immediately. Her future husband in the Wu family must have had some notorious defects, so he had to pay for a wife elsewhere. She sighed. After all, daughters were always raised for someone else’s family.
02
In the eyes of her mother and of the villagers, Zhaodi had always been a freak. Unlike other kids, Zhaodi’s biggest hobby was to run freely out of the village. But trapped by housework and chores, she wasn’t allowed to do so.
The day when Zhaodi’s world was totally turned upside down, was when their village first played a movie. Her parents took her brothers and let her stay for housesitting. But as soon as they left, she sneaked out along the mountain paths to the movie.
The movie in black and white was shown on a large white cloth. In it, people were living in tall buildings, four-wheeled cars running on spacious roads, children wearing clean shirts and shiny leather shoes.
Zhaodi was completely dazed. Before that, she had imagined a thousand times what the world outside would be like. The world she perceived through that cloth seemed to meet all her expectations but also different from any of them. All she had in mind about her future was broken down, urging a reconstruction of herself.
The screen went completely black before she knew it. Zhaodi immediately flew home. In the woods, her bouncing heartbeat intertwined with the hustling wind. She pushed open the door, took a deep breath and collapsed in a chair, with an illusion of being in clouds.
Since then, a tiny seed was planted in Zhaodi's heart, but she didn’t know how enormous a tree this seed would grow into. It was left to grow wild, yearning for its day to break through the thick soil.
03
When Zhaodi stepped into Wu's house, the matriarch, a short woman with slender eyes, greeted her,
“Call me Wu Ma.”
Wu Ma told her that Xiaohu was dressing up outside, to spice up the formality; while her husband worked in town and didn’t come back often.
After dinner, Zhaodi stayed in the storage, rubbing the red bride’s veil. She wondered what Xiaohu would be like; she wondered maybe she could use the excuse of visiting Xiaohu’s father to go out to the town. Hurried footsteps cut her thoughts. Zhaodi put on the veil and let Wu Ma hold her to the bedroom.
“Here.” Wu Ma stopped, “Xiaohu, the rest is left to you.”
Zhaodi stood and listened hard, but it was utterly quiet. She began to question if the groom had run away. Why did he run away? Ashamed of his looks?
She slowly pulled off the veil, glanced around the empty room. A man was sitting in the corner, facing the ground. Zhaodi suspected that Wu Ma had led her to the wrong person—the man in front of her didn’t seem to have any defects. Rather, he was comely and slim.
"Are you Wu Xiaohu?" Her voice trembling.
"Yes."
Silence stretched out in the air, until the kerosene lamp went out. Nothing happened that night, they went to sleep as two strangers indeed.
The next day, Zhaodi was asked by Wu Ma to do housework. Wiping the floor of Wu’s much bigger house than hers, Zhaodi’s doubts rose: she still didn’t understand what was wrong with Xiaohu, that he had to buy her as wife.
That evening, Zhaodi asked directly, “Xiaohu, you’ve got good conditions, isn’t it easy for you to get a good wife in your village?”
Xiaohu lowered his head with a bitter smile. "My mother didn't tell you?"
Zhaodi shook her head. Xiaohu stood up by the window, and thought for a long while.
“Don’t be intimidated, but,” he sighed, “It’s just, I like men. I don't like women."
Zhaodi’s mouth opened wide, as if having lost her voice.
Xiaohu took a deep breath and spoke in hesitation, pale fingers pressing on the windowsill.
“When we were kids, all boys liked to tease girls. But I didn't have interests in girls. I got shy if I was too close to……to boys. I actually liked a friend of mine, …a boy. I was naive at that time. So I told him how I felt. He, he pushed me to the ground and ran away. The next day, everyone knew it. Rumors started to spread, they said that I shouldn’t like boys, that I was…a pervert.
Seeing Zhaodi still immersed in shock, he shrugged,
“My mom would definitely scold me if she knew I told you this. But you’re in our family, I think you should know this.”
"You .... So, you …"
"I'm not that different.” Xiaohu looked sincere, “It’s just…I was born this way.”
In the next few days, Zhaodi didn't know how to cope with Xiaohu—she hadn’t met anyone like him before. But as they started to get along, Zhaodi found that Xiaohu was actually very kind. Wu Ma became stricter on her, overwhelming Zhaodi with difficult chores and sometime criticism, Xiaohu would then help create distractions for her.
They had talked more. Zhaodi found that they had a lot in common: both born naughty and reckless, both growing up in solitude, in laughters and bullying, in others’ incomprehension,.
04
“My mom said we had to have a children. ” Xiaohu brought up abruptly, few weeks after their first talk, “But I won’t push you if you don’t want to.”
Zhaodi was confused.“Do you want to? I thought you don’t like women.”
“It doesn’t matter. My mom thinks I’ll be happy having a wife, a son.” Xiaohu sighed, “She is nice to me. She had never given up on me, even after that…embarrassing thing. My mother is my only support, so, it is what I have to do.
A chill rose from Zhaodi's heart, she had a different feeling. She felt that Wu Ma and Xiaohu were like blinds and mutes, never being able to communicate with each other. Hands holding happily, while bodies being separated by a huge gap.
Finally, they agreed on postponing the business until Wu Ma urged again.
Wu Ma, however, treated Zhaodi worse over days. She thought in horror that Wu Ma had turned the eagerness to have children into a hatred for her. Sometime she would scold at Zhaodi loudly,
“You are so useless! Go clean Xiaohu’s room! How are you behaving as a wife?”
Zhaodi responded with silence, and decided to talk to Xiaohu in a few days. But her plans were turned completely that afternoon.
It started when she had finished her chores, stretched her arm and said to Wu Ma, “I haven't go out much since I came here. Can I go down to the rivers today?”
Wu Ma suddenly turned to Zhaodi, took a feather duster from the side, and raged towards her. The next second, a solid slap fell on Zhaodi's face.
"Wang Zhaodi, I have endured you for a long time! The minute you stepped into this door, you are the Wu’s wife! Did I spent that much money just to make you play outside? What a trash! "
Zhaodi was dizzy from the slap. Wu Ma had left, but her words lingered. A trash, was she just a trash.
Xiaohu came back from the shower and found that Zhaodi was sitting on bed. Her face was crumpled and red, tears dangling from her chin. She spoke without looking up,
"Xiaohu, have you ever been to the town with your dad?"
"Well … I went there as a kid."
“It must be great there, right? No endless housework, no endless anger there, right?”
No one would take her as a breeding machine. No one could buy and sell her around. No one thought that she deserved to be commanded for life.
"Zhaodi, is it my mother ..." Xiaohu understood, but was interrupted by Zhao's rushing, crying voice.
"I think, " Zhaodi sobbed with heavy breaths, "I think I’ll be trapped here forever. I feel like I can't get out ... I, oh..."
Her situation is difficult to describe. In fact, Zhaodi would gradually realize: the inevitability of certain things would not come down all of a sudden, but would eat you bit by bit, paralyzing you on trivial matters, turning you into the most faithful believer, until you were swallowed whole. It was a deep well. When you finally realized its existence, you were already in it. No one could escape such a well. Not Wu Ma, not Xiaohu. Those wives in the village, wiping the floor that would never stay clean, were typically the ones being eaten up. But Zhaodi hadn’t become such a wife, there was something very unique in her.
"Xiaohu, I want to run.” Zhaodi wiped her tears, saying word by word.
“Run?Where to?”
“The town where your father works. Or other cities. Anywhere can do. I can't stay here anymore."
"Why?"
Zhaodi shook her head, "I don't know how to explain. But as long as you can help me, I would do anything for you.
“Please…“ Zhaodi pulled Xiaohu's arms, bowed down her head and roared from her throat.
Xiaohu looked at the gray wall, and finally said, “Zhaodi, to some extent, we are the same. I can't save myself. But if I can save you, I'm willing to."
Zhaodi looked up. On her face where tears streamed all over, Xiaohu saw something familiar. For them, hope was something precious as gold. Xiaohu had once lost it, he wanted to see if Zhaodi could keep it.
"You know, I have one only wish." Xiaohu said.
“The child, right? Let's do it. Tonight."
05
That night, they completed the task with colluding silence and a peculiar consonance. It was like a grand, perfect, one-way pilgrimage with two most devout believers. Bodies stiff like popsicle sticks, but hearts close enough to beat at the same frequency.
Few weeks later Zhaodi was visited by her first morning sickness. Wu Ma was ecstatic, and started to take good care of Zhaodi. Zhaodi appeared flattered, though indifferent inside. She never regarded the little thing in her stomach as a child. She thought that, it was a result, a wish, a complex carrying many people's expectations. Her last obstacle was to take this thing out of her body. Then, nothing would stand in her way.
Ten months later, Zhaodi gave birth. Wu Ma held the child and devoutedly lifted him up for an examination.
“A boy! It’s a boy! Xiaohu, you’re honoring our family!”
"Mom, are you happy now?" Xiaohu patted Wu Ma’s shoulder.
“I’m so happy. You’re having a son with our family’s blood! My greatest dream had come true.”
The next day, Zhaodi was impatient to discuss with Xiaohu how to escape.
Xiaohu held the child in his arms, “Don't worry. My mom want to take the child to see my dad after a week, and I’ll bring you. ”
“She wouldn’t come find me, right?”
“No worries. In her eyes, her little grandson should be more valuable than you. Just run.“
Zhaodi nodded. The plan initiated after a week, everything went smoothly. The moment she stepped out of the Wu family, Zhaodi didn't look back.
06
The town is far away. They walked from morning to dawn. Going deeper, Zhaodi began to feel like being in a fantasy. Everything around looked like palaces on top of clouds, floating in bubbles. The air in the city was a body-penetrating mix of the smell of food, cement, and people’s breath. Zhaodi saw people sewing shirts and dresses with colorful cloths and hanging them for others to choose. None could be seen even at Dongsheng village. When thinking that she could explore the large world here, Zhaodi’s steps were light and she couldn’t help smiling.
Xiaohu made an excuse to use the toilet, and Zhaodi followed. Leaving Wu Ma, they walked silently, along a long and straight alley.
Finally, an intersection appeared. Zhaodi stopped and said, “Let’s stop here. Your mother won’t see.“
“Okay. Zhaodi, remember. When you run, don’t look back."
Zhaodi nodded,
"Xiaohu, thank you."
Then she opened her legs and started running, heart beating like that night when she sneaked out for the movie. Except that this time, there wasn’t an exact route, she could only run with her instinct. Feet as wings, every step was a step out of the sticky swamp behind her, a step towards her unfettered sky.
Finally, she had to stop for a proper breath.
"Wang Zhaodi?"
The voice came from behind, Zhaodi looked back. Across the street, she saw a short woman holding a baby wrapped in badger. How couldn’t she understand now? Life was just a huge, miserable loop; she would always return to the place she tried to escape. Resuming her pose with eyes closed, she sprinted forward with all her strength.
The moment the speedy minivan crushed her body, she opened her eyes.
In the last few seconds, Zhaodi’s eyes were filled with the azure sky and the bungalow’s ivory roofs. Fleeting birds left vague shadows behind. At that deafening moment, everything was stained with blood squirting from her lung. The body decays, but the brain and the heart are still running forward.
She must continue to run. She must run.
Concluding her prayers, the old woman rose from her sister’s tombstone to see a tall, bearded soldier, who glowed of youth and hatred. Pointing the edge of his bayonet towards her, he motioned for her to kneel.
Her heart pounded. Trembling, she obeyed, her feeble frame bruising on the cracked terrain. “Please,” she begged, “let me die on my husband’s grave. It is only a few tombstones down.”
The soldier dignified her plea with the brutal strikings of his bayonet. “Do not speak,” he ordered.
“If you must kill me, please allow me the small solace of my husband’s comfort.”
“Do not speak!” he commanded, slapping her across the face.
Something innate drove her to her husband. While around her blood began to pool, her fingernails dug into the soil and began to crack as she struggled towards her husband’s name, etched in stone. He regarded her superciliously, then caught up to her.
Escape was futile, she accepted. After collapsing, she called her aggressor a name in their mother tongue, the one that he himself spoke before the Final War.
“My son.”
He stomped on her battered body. “Do not speak.”
Within an arm’s reach of her husband, she died.
This is the eighth time the cat’s disappeared and I’m starting to get a little nervous. The first seven times didn’t bother me as much—everyone knows cats have nine lives—but I’m not sure if they’re reborn after dying for the eighth time or not. You see, things start going a little awry every time the cat goes missing. It’s a needy animal, no doubt about that, but does it really have to make its absence so conspicuous? That’s why I’m praying to you, God of Cats. My sanity’s on the line.
I’m not much of a cat person, to tell you the truth. Sure, the kittens are cute—most baby things are—but I never would have gone out and spent my hard-earned money on a cat if this one hadn’t just shown up one day. On second thought, “shown up” probably isn’t the best way to describe it. The cat came to me in stages, much like the moon, except the cat never waned—it only waxed. And before I knew it, the cat was no longer staring at me from the tree branch outside of my window, but occupying a disproportionately large space on my younger self’s little bed.
In the beginning, I didn’t tell anyone about the cat living in my bedroom. Even when people came in they never seemed to notice it. This was just as well since my mom is deathly allergic to cats. She never had a problem with this one though, as she often sat down right next to it—dare I say, on top of it, finishing it off. It was only when I was moving to college that I casually mentioned the cat to her. I remember she scoffed, looking at me disgustedly, “Cat? What cat? Is this another one of those things you dreamed up out of nowhere? You’re going to college, honey. This “cat” you’re talking about doesn’t exist.”
So in the end, the cat had to hitch a ride on my shoulder in the front seat of the U-Haul; and it stayed there for the hour-long drive, occasionally swiping its paw at my mom who had denied its existence. As we drove away from my home of eighteen years toward the college an hour and a world away, I realized for the first time just how heavy the cat was. What had it been eating?
Soon after college started, the cat disappeared for the first time. I think it’s because it didn’t like my roommate—she was a California girl, and within a week she had convinced me of light therapy’s efficacy. I hardly noticed the cat’s absence during that month or so. Miss California was always bringing me along as she spread her secondhand sunshine around campus. Cats weren’t too fond of sunbathing, I suspected. But one day the sun decided she wanted to shine no longer and suddenly the cat was back in my dorm to fill the gap she left behind.
To my surprise, the cat returned with more surplus fat than ever. It also returned with a penchant for sleeping on my chest at night. This often left me breathless, given all of its extra pounds, but I never dared to move it off lest it plunged its claws straight into my chest.
In college, I met plenty of people in the same situation as me. Their cats were of all different breeds and ages—some people even had them ever since middle school. Anyhow, we were all able to see each other’s cats; and they often played with each other, enjoying the presence of other felines immensely.
Throughout those four years the cat came and went, returning bigger each time without fail. It finally occurred to me to take it to the vet. But the cat clearly did not relish in this prospect; and it scratched and clawed at me until I swore never to even mention the vet again. Besides, my friends with cats assured me the vet could do nothing. At most they would try to talk to the cat and give it some pills—which would have temporary results—but nothing long-lasting.
Finally, my college years came screeching to a halt and it was just me and the cat living in a cramped urban apartment. I learned just how lonely big cities are—lonelier than tiny towns with populations of several hundred. During that time, the cat and I became inseparable. Although it draped itself over my days like a heavy tarpaulin, the cat’s weight wasn’t a bad one: it reassured me I wasn’t entirely alone. Granted, it was shockingly averse to the few friends I tried to bring home with me, but that was probably for my own good. Who knew when they would suddenly disappear on me one day too.
With nothing else vying for my absolute attention, the cat soon became the prevalent subject of my thoughts. Sometimes, I had the eerie feeling that I was growing progressively smaller as the cat grew progressively bigger. This made things incredibly exasperating for me when the cat went on its excursions. Even those brief spells of levity were tinged with the worry that the cat would return and end it all; or that it wouldn’t return and the parts of me it absorbed would be lost forever.
This is not to say I never tried getting rid of the cat by force. It occurred to me more than once that I would probably be better off without the cat; but the more I hated and loathed it the more malicious it became. Leading me on wild cat chases through the city, it would abandon me in places where only wild animals roamed. Upon finding my way back, I would be so shaken I wouldn’t leave my apartment for days. Even my mirror fell victim to its now menacingly sharp claws; and lacking the money to replace it, my reflection was mauled forevermore.
But most alarming to me was the cat’s loss of its transparency. More and more people inquired about its presence until I wanted to scream, desperately. I hated it. I hated their eyes glistening with sympathy and voices dripping with worry when I knew that, in their hearts, they were snickering at my total subjection to a cat. And so, I hid all external traces of it. At the pet store, I bought a pink princess costume and even a little mask to hide its ugly scowl with a smile that somehow scared me even more. But still, I could feel its omniscient presence.
Now that it had its own disguise, the cat decided its presence was necessary even outside of the apartment. It was determined to ruin me. When I wanted a donut it forced me to buy a banana instead. When a cute boy talked to me on the subway it made me run away in fright. When my coworkers asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink it made me say no even though I really wanted to. All of this, I endured. But when it made me shut out my mom and I heard her cry for the first time, I decided I finally had enough.
This is where you come in, God of Cats. Because I’ve had this cat nine years longer than I should have. Nine years of an all too finite life. If I don’t do anything, the cat will probably follow me to my grave: first life, razor; second life, water; third life, bridge; fourth life, gas; fifth life, pills; sixth life, rope; seventh life, car; eighth life, suffocation—nine lives or not. But I’ve chosen happiness; and this flight has no space for an overweight feline.
To tell you the truth, God of Cats—I never had a cat.
What I have is something else.
And I want my ninth life.
Amen.
It was a bright and sunny day. But to Kate, it was just another ordinary day, as blank and meaningless as every other. Same procedures, same events. As she headed downstairs in a hurry, she heard her sister running down the stairs to match her pace. “Be safe, will you?”, her sister, Emily, said. “Yea”, Kate said, “Why are you so worried? There’s no danger.”
When Kate arrived at school, she was greeted with sneers and snickers. She knew this all too well. As she walked gloomily down the halls, she headed towards her first class: Drama class. Although there was a catch to it; drama class was never about plays and shows. It just had this aura of hatred, this aura that causes everyone to cause lots of drama about Kate. It’s so unfair! All she did was the same as any ordinary child! Go to school. Learn. Play. and yet, why are they still blaming it on her? When lunchtime came, she was glad to find her best friend, Hailey, by her side. “It’s gonna be alright, Kate”, she told Kate in a soothing voice. “Everything’s going to be alright.” Those were the last words she heard before her mind was engulfed in blackness.
Where am I? Kate thought. “Oh! You’re awake!”, a voice said. “Are you all right?”. Kate tried to sit upright, but only found herself back lying on the bed, groaning with pain. “That hurts”, she said. I guess I really am useless, Kate thought. Just then, she felt this deep pulsation within her body. What is this feeling? Kate thought. Then she twitched uncontrollably. “AH! I can’t control my body anymore!”, she screamed. Then, red and blue lights emitted from her body, then all was silent. “We will do anything to achieve our goal. Until then, we will be using this body.”, a voice echoed from deep within Kate’s body. Then her body convulsed and she drifted back to sleep.
The next morning, Kate woke up and stifled a yawn. “It’s too early, isn’t it? I should go back to sleep.” She stretched and fell back into her bed again. As soon as her eyes started to close, and her vision started to blur, she got jolted back to reality. And it started up again. “We will kill all of you useless humans. When you’re out of the way, we can continue.” And then Kate regained consciousness again. “Ugh, not again!”, Kate argued. “Will they ever stop? It’s getting annoying, and yet it's only the second time!”. “See? I am useless”, Kate whispered weakly. She hauled herself out of bed, and dragged herself out into the mysterious woods that linger near her house. As soon as she touched the first tree with her fingertips, she was swept through a mysterious portal. And, yet again, she drifted into nothingness.
This time, when she woke up, she was surrounded by beautiful willows and heather. Where am i? she wondered. Then she blinked open her eyes to find herself in a magical world of swaying willows, fairies, and beautiful landscapes. She was in a magical world! Kate turned around to find a translucent yet beautiful girl with silky blond hair gently gazing at her. “Are you all right?” she asked. “Don’t worry, as long as you’re here, you will be protected.” Protect from what? She wondered. OH! She suddenly remembered. “Ok...?” Kate said, her voice trailing off when she saw a white wolf, as pure and white as snow. “Woah! Is that a wolf?” she asked. “Yes,” the blond girl said. “H-how did I end up here?” Kate asked. “You’re not actually here.” the girl said. “What do you mean?” Kate asked. “You’re actually tossing and turning in your sleep back at your home. You’re all snuggled and cozy in your bed right now.” the girl said. Then how am i protected? My physical body isn’t, so how does this work? Is this a dream or what? Kate wondered. Then she felt the presence of reality around her. She turned around and almost fell off the bed. Then she stood, panting. Was that all real? Did that just happen to me? Kate wondered. Then she suddenly heard a scream from downstairs.
“I’ll be watching over you.” Those were the last words that Kate’s sister, Emily, breathed out before her body convulsed and she drifted into endless sleep. “NOO!!!” Kate screamed into the empty night. “Don’t leave me..”. But Kate knew that she had to get up and keep going. To stay strong for her sister. She needed to track down those evil controllers, who, in the past few months have just used her body to do evil things. She would never forgive them. She would hunt them down and kill them with no mercy. Her sister’s death had given her power and had made her fearless. But how long will that effect last?
Kate explored pretty much every corner of the world. Through the desert, and through the cold, cold night, she finally got to one suspicious-looking place full of spiderwebs and junk. She tip-toed her way in and found a bunch of old weapons and shields. “Ahh!” Kate screamed as the door slowly creaked open behind her. “Why are you here?” the person, no-more like a deformed mechanical sort of alien said. “Intruder!” it said. Then, with the speed of lightning, the “thing” reached over behind her and grabbed a gun. Quick as a flash, he directed the target sight to right in the middle of Kate’s forehead. He loaded the gun, and time stopped for just a millisecond before he pressed down hard on the trigger. Then a streak of blond hair flashed in front of Kate’s eyes. It took Kate a while to recognize the girl, now sprawled on the floor, barely alive. It was the girl from her dreams! ‘I..t-told you that y-you’d be p-protected.” she said. “Did you just take a bullet for me?” Kate asked. So..is this what she meant? Kate wondered. “NOO!”. That word was way too familiar with Kate now. She was not about to let another one of her saviors die in front of her like that. Just then, her body convulsed. Not with evil, but with power. She was powerful, right here, at this moment. “Yes.. Unleash your potential, Kate!” the blond girl rasped. Kate was surrounded with a white, holy light. She saw someone walking towards her. A girl with long brown hair…”EMILY!!” Kate screamed with happiness. Both girls rushed together, locked hands, and unleashed a magic that no one has ever before. The “thing” in the room dissolved away from the light. And so did all evil in the world. A sisters’ bond could heal even the worst of evil. And just then, the blond hair faded and merged herself into the light. “Goodbye, Kate.” whispers echoed around the room.
Kate was left in the darkness of the shed. “Noo…” Kate whispered. “You came back..to leave me again. Emily, how could you do this to me?” she asked. “I am around you Emily! Don’t lose faith.” Emily’s voice drifted around the shed and out. Kate looked at her hands. She was capable of such a thing. Does magic exist? Perhaps. She doesn’t know what’s in store for her. She spent another 2 and a half months traveling back to her house. She was hungry, thirsty, and tired. She was going to just give up when she suddenly remembered her sister’s words. She wouldn’t give up.
As the moment her house came in view, she felt suddenly so empty. She couldn’t go back without her sister by her side. Then, in that moment, her best friend Hailey ran over to Kate’s side. “Are you ok, Kate? Where have you been?” she asked. “Out having magical unbelievable adventures”, she said. “Hmm. I can sort of believe that.” Hailey said. “How? What do you mean?” Kate asked. Then she saw something unbelievable unfold right in front of her eyes. Hailey tugged at her hair and the black hair came off. Underneath was hair with the colour of autumn leaves. “Hey, Kate. It’s me, Emily.” She said. Kate just stared at her with her jaws wide open. She screamed in happiness until tears came out. They embraced in a tight hug.
And the wind blew softly in the dark night.
“I’m looking after you, my little shooting star. Look at the stars, and don’t be afraid..”
Isn’t it funny how they sort us into boxes?
Making innovation run slower like molasses
Together we’re compressed under the stress of success
Buckling with strain and twisting with pressure, I’m sure. We gotta make it out of here
And it turns out I’m the evil, encouraging incompetence boxing it up like cheerios
I hate it but it’s true it’s corruption central, cutting class only once but now it’s terminal
Who cares anyway, right is what the people say
never learning through harm progress is the other way
Walking the honeysuckle roads everyday
By the time we wake up under September and the Novocaine
But when the drugs fade away and your friends never stay
Still the reasons point to live out another day
Back when we had lives to dream away, fighting for our prospects
They caved in our goals made us conform to this mindset
Now It’s killing us softly, slowly, like Sinatra wanted, I’ll do it my way and
If I see another day make sure I don’t go astray
Guide me home with the life that I tried to fake away
“Mr. Downes. The Founder wants to see you.”
Oh no! The Founder never takes kindly to newcomers, or so I’ve heard from my friend. He’s my best friend, and after he went to NASA, he could never stop talking about “him”. “You mess up your words, you get fired,” my friend warned. I knew he was exaggerating, but it was still frightfully worrying.
My name is Cody Downes. I was born in San Francisco, California and my dream is to become an astronaut. I got a degree in Astronomy at Stanford, and soon afterward, NASA hired and invited me to their main base in California.
As I now walked with Sam, the Founder’s assistant, I shivered and shuddered. Just two days ago, I had walked into NASA, hoping to study and conduct research like everyone else. Now I have to talk to the Founder. Why? I didn’t have the foggiest idea.
Sam led me to a small door with a gold “F” on it. The strange thing was that the door was at the end of a seemingly endless hallway with painted black walls. It made me shiver even more, and soon, I could feel the sweat trickling down my face. Sam asked me to open the door, but I couldn’t. I felt like a frozen icicle.
I sure hope the Founder goes easy on me.
And with that thought in my head, I opened the door.
The first thing I noticed about the room was that it was completely disorganized. There were stacks of papers lying left and right on the floor, some reaching nearly three feet high. In the corner was a small man sitting behind a desk. His head was down, and he wore a big black hat like the ones famous cowboys wear in the old Westerns. He tapped his fingers on the desk, and when I came in, he suddenly stood up and approached me, with his hat still on his face. Now I could see him more clearly. He was wearing a tight black suit with a white tie and had sinister red shoes that looked like they were staring at me. I bit my lip and stood in silence.
“Mr. Downes, is it?” The Founder asked in a very deep voice.
“Yes, Sir.” I tried not to say much.
“Well Downes, I heard you love astronomy.”
“I do, Sir. I have posters of every NASA mission over the last 30 years hanging in my apartment.”
“Wow. That’s impressive. Listen. You are quite unique...much more capable than most people we have here.”
“How exactly am I unique?” I asked.
The Founder chuckled.
“It may not seem like it, but most people here don’t really know much about space or space travel when they first walk in here. They usually have to learn on the job. And we don’t usually go out looking for people. We are NASA, you know. People want to get hired by us.”
He was now pacing back and forth, weaving between the paper stacks.
“They have to prove something to show that they’re capable. But you…you’re special. The moment I saw your application, I knew we needed you.” He paused, looked straight at me, and said in a booming voice,
“I know that sounds confusing, but just shut up and listen to me.”
Yikes. I gulped my saliva. The Founder returned to his desk and sat down.
“Mr. Downes, I’m going to send you to Cape Canaveral to see the latest rocket we’re going to launch into space. I want you to go there and work with my friend, Roberto Shade. He’s quite the fellow and very much like you. It will be the perfect job.”
“I thought I’m supposed to do the work here,” I said.
“Are you crazy?” the Founder replied, pounding his fist on the table. “Men like you need challenges, big hairy challenges – something far better to do than these simple folks at the bottom of the rabbit hole doing their day jobs. Be thankful you are getting this opportunity. It’s not something I normally give to new hires. Get out of here now and be quick about it.”
“Good day to you too sir,” I replied automatically.
As Sam led me out, I was anxious. Now that I had to head to Florida, I couldn’t get any more tips from my friend. He had always worked at NASA here in California. The thought of doing this on my own was scary, but I was also curious about the new mission.
What will this Roberto be like?
“Sam, ever been so nervous that you don’t even know what you’re nervous for?”
“Don’t worry. That’s just the adrenaline pumping through your veins.”
*****
“This, Sir, is Destiny,” said Mark, one of Roberto’s assistants.
I stood speechless. The NASA rocket was well over 500 feet high, surrounded by six tall electrical towers. As I looked up to the top of the rocket, I could smell the scent of gas, and my mouth started turning drier and drier -- to the point where it felt like I was in a desert.
“What are the towers for?”
I tried to say the words to the best of my ability, but my mouth was extremely tired.
“The towers help protect the rocket in cases of extreme weather. Since they’re electrical, the towers will absorb any lightning…if it hits. This allows our rocket to basically not get fried.”
“That’s the first time I’ve seen something like that.”
“Thanks. You won’t believe how long it took to build them.”
After I saw the rocket, I was taken to a door leading into a room of generators. They were all green and connected in groups of three. The ceiling was over 300 feet tall, almost the size of a football field (if you took one and stood it up vertically!) Leaning against one of the generators was the man The Founder had wanted me to meet.
“Mr. Downes, this is Roberto,” said Mark.
Mr. Roberto turned around and stared at me. His face was pale, and he had short black hair. He wore red glasses with an extra thick frame, and a shirt that had the NASA logo on it. As he fixed his eyes on mine, I could hear the rumbling in his mouth as he was getting ready to speak. I touched my cheeks and trembled with worry.
“Welcome, Downes. It’s so nice to finally meet you! I’ve been waiting for your arrival,” Roberto said energetically.
Whew! This guy is more cheerful than he looks.
“Nice to meet you too, Roberto.”
“Follow me. I want to show you something. Did the Founder tell you about the incidents happening in space?”
I shook my head. Roberto pointed me towards a computer screen; it showed a rotating display of faces. He said, with a great sense of urgency,
“These are our astronauts from our last mission. All four died from something happening up there in space… something unusual. We have to figure out what is going on. If we don’t solve this, we won’t be able to launch Destiny and reach Neptune, its ultimate destination.” I was dumbfounded.
A strange killer in space?
“What do you think it is?” I asked.
“No idea. We are stumped. But we have to brainstorm some ideas, and quick. I heard you are the smartest new NASA recruit we have.”
“Not sure about that, but, where’s the Destiny crew?”
“In another room. I can’t risk sending my crews into space anymore because they might not come back.”
And with that, Roberto left me. As I sat, dazed and confused about this sudden turn of events, I took out my notepad and looked back at what my best friend used to say. I always read his words when I had no idea what to do.
Think out of the box.
*****
“You are out of your mind. It’s too risky.”
“Roberto, your crew is probably dying because you haven’t tried anything new. You just blast rockets off over and over again.”
“How do you know?”
“I am not blaming you. Believe me, I have done the same. There have been many times in my life, when I have been stuck and couldn’t solve a problem, I tried the same thing over and over again hoping like magic that the problem would go away. But it never did…until I started trying something new, experimenting with different approaches to the problem.”
I wasn’t sure how Roberto would react to my plea.
“What’s your plan, Downes?”
“Place a mini rocket inside the Destiny launcher. You’ll see.”
*****
“Okay. Locked and loaded,” said Roberto excitedly.
T MINUS 2 MINUTES
As the computer counted down, I sat inside the big rocket in its front seat. I could see the beautiful blue sky above me. I touched the buttons, and they all felt dry and dirty. I closed my eyes to calm my fears, but Roberto startled me when he said,
“Mr. Downes, are you ready?”
I gripped my chair and quickly prayed.
Who am I kidding? I may never come back to Earth.
“Yes.”
“Good,” said Roberto. “It’s almost time.”
T MINUS FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE
The rocket blasted up into the air as my seat forcefully went back. I hit my head, but I didn’t complain. As the rocket veered to the right, I knew it was time to put my plan into action.
“Roberto, it is time to launch the mini rocket. Remember, it’s in the small gap. Move it out of there so I can jump on it.”
“Got it.”
I gulped hard and jumped out of the main rocket. I actually jumped! However, the mini rocket did not emerge out of the mothership. It was still stuck in the gap.
Shoot!
I started breathing hard as the wind pushed against my stomach. I grabbed a large handle on the main rocket and gazed desperately at the gap praying my plan would succeed. The mini rocket was still stuck.
What I am going to do?
Just then, I saw the bottom of the mini rocket. It was sticking out a bit from the mothership, and I saw a silver circular trapdoor with a smaller handle on it. The problem was that the rocket I was holding on to was going higher and higher, and fast!
Let’s hope this works.
I took a deep breath and pushed off. Somehow, thanks to the miracles of God, I swung quickly onto the small handle. Luckily, that was the hard part. After that, I opened the trapdoor, and safely slid inside. I finally managed to move the rocket down and out of the mothership. I wanted to cheer, but I felt like I had just had a heart attack.
“Roberto...I think I’m the luckiest man alive.”
*****
It only took ten minutes before the mini rocket was in space. All I could see now were black stars.
“Okay Roberto. I’m in.”
“Good, now set your speed at the usual….”
“No! No! We have to go slow. That killer could be anywhere.”
I continued very slowly, moving about two and a half miles per second (or 9,000 miles per hour). That may seem like a lot, but a regular rocket goes five miles per second, or 17,600 miles per hour. Suddenly, I heard something strange. There was a weird crackling noise, similar to how electricity crackles.
Am I just hearing things?
I continued driving the rocket even slower than before when suddenly…
BAM.
I felt a zap of electricity rush through my veins. I fell off of the seat, staggered, and tried to get up. There was a small amount of blood on my left hand, and my shoulder was broken.
Mr. Roberto called in unexpectedly, “Hey kid, what the heck was that?”
I looked closer to see what it was, and then I noticed something weird. I saw the blackest shade of black staring at me. Space is normally black of course, but this shade of black was really dark, and it covered all the space in front of me, like a big blanket. And the blanket had some rough bumps on it.
“Roberto. You’re not going to believe this. There’s some kind of forcefield out here powered with electricity. It got me really good, and I broke my shoulder, but I’m okay. I’m just lucky that I didn’t smash my head into it.”
“Well, I’m just glad you’re alive. You scared me half to death for a second. Tell me what you see.”
I looked closer and orbited around the black blanket. But then I saw that it was much, much bigger, and I put two and two together.
This is a tube. Actually, no… it’s a... wire.
“This shade of black is actually a really big inner tube or because of the electrical field, it may be a very long wire.”
“Wire, huh? What do you mean?”
“Give me a few minutes.”
“Sure thing. And send me some pictures.”
Roberto hung up, but as I looked around, I could see little blue sparks going off here and there. Could this be what killed the astronauts? I continued looking and soon, I found a small gaping hole.
This hole is part of the tube, or wire.
I looked behind me. All I saw was the blackest black of space.
This looks like some kind of an opening. Who knows? Maybe there’s something in the wire.
I moved to the hole slowly, and now I could hear the crackling more clearly. But just as I took a breath, I felt a tug. A powerful tug pulling me inside.
I was now inside the wire! Was I going as fast as the speed of light? Faster? Suddenly, the rocket stopped and jerked me forward. I looked out the window of the mini rocket, and saw the most eye popping, jaw dropping sight of my life. Is this what Neil Armstrong felt like when he first saw the image of the Moon sitting in the Apollo 11?
I saw a planet…and it was not the Moon. It was something much farther out there in space, far beyond anything Man had ever travelled to. It was Neptune. I had passed through the wire so fast that I had journeyed across the solar system in mere seconds!
Were there more wires all over space? Were these the roads future space travelers would use to explore the planets, the galaxies and beyond? At that moment, I felt so happy - so full of joy and wonder and awe - that I thought my heart would burst. And any feelings of fear or worry just disappeared.
“Roberto, I have found something that will forever change mankind.”
And I took as many pictures as I could.
Saying goodbye
Is the hardest thing to do
I never thought I would
Especially not to you.
Know our friendship isn’t done
Wherever you go, I hope you have fun
We are not truly saying goodbye
We just won’t be seeing each other for some time
You have a special place inside my heart
I hope our friendship never falls apart
You’re compassionate, sweet, and kind
Wherever you go, I hope that happiness is what you find
You’re going on one path
And I, another
And despite our separation
I hope our friendship lasts forever
So goodbye for now my friend
Until our paths will cross again
South of the valley, the wind only blows
in the direction where all ears are closed.
It is hunting season, but neither of the boys
in the van have teeth that bite. In this land,
there is only space for the hawks
and the shepherds. The boys
can already sense them chasing.
All they can do is run, their bodies stiff
with denial. One boy grips the wheel,
the other inches toward the heat of his skin.
Their fingers are alight with unspoken fire.
The van weaves its way, slowly, through the snow
and into the woods. The boys hear nothing
but the static on the radio and the breath
of the other body beside him. They are hungry
for a different kind of flesh. In the darkness,
they close their eyes, press their fingers into foreign skin,
sink into the fire spreading through their thin bodies.
At the rise of the sun, the boys taste nothing
but lips on their lips. Blood courses beneath
their burning sheepskin. They pray to forget,
to wake up in a body that is not their own.
It was quiet.
I guess it always had been, but the walls of the hospital had blocked out even more of the Noise with impenetrable material made of human bones and the Silence. I didn't like the quiet, but the past was full of screeching violin strings and sour notes broken up by periods of static, so much so that I swear it silenced the beating of my heart.
But today is unusually quiet, and everyone can sense its awkward placement in the air between us at the group meeting. Morris's pretty hands fidget relentlessly as he traps them under his legs and folds them in his lap over and over again, and Earley's eyes rest on the man's fingers like they're sculpted out of glass. The look in his eyes is the same look he had given me as I had entered the ward that first day. All the other guys had been glancing nervously at me, but Earley had held a strong, unwavering gaze, and from his look I could already hear the sound of his voice in my head against the black and white of the static, and from that look I already knew his voice to be soothing in a way that pierced the Silence with song.
"Yeah, let him have the vote, why dontcha?" Coleman echoes, and the muffled sound of his voice barely makes it to my ears, but with one glance at the triumphant grin plastered on Earley's face, I know the words had been said.
I lift my sticky eyes to the muscular man as the Miss pretends to consider the vote. "The staff and I have agreed that the music in the ward will not change. We have ensured that the selected recording is the most therapeutic and well-suited for you men. There will not be a vote, Coleman." I strain my ears, listening for any rhythm or beat, but all that reverberates around in my brain is the shuffling of feet and whispers of Silence.
"What about a compromise? How about we move to the room you people put tables in for our card games, and the old men can sit out here with their radio?" Earley smiles sarcastically, and his voice rings clear in my ears.
The Miss returns his smile, a smile just as big and wide as Earley's and just as genuine. "Of course, there isn't enough personnel to cover two rooms. And I wish you wouldn't bounce your leg so much, Thompson, please. It distracts the rest of the patients from the meeting." A few eyes turn in my direction, and I shrink into my seat involuntarily. I can feel my leg still shaking, and the static pounds in my ears as no one stirs. Earley doesn't take the bait, however, and stares with heavy eyes at the Miss.
"Doctor," Earley nods at the scrawny man next to the Miss, "agreed that it would be a good idea to move us there. So unless there are any objections..." He looks around at the patients sitting around the circle, daring us to speak. The Silence throws itself back on us, and I can see the men's eyes dart from the Miss to Earley. I can hear them silently rooting for Earley, but no one breaks the Silence, not even Coleman, and I shut my eyes as the Silence grows louder and louder, blurring my vision.
"Doctor isn't familiar with the amount of coverage we can provide you men every day." Her eyes crawl across the room and land on the scrawny man's face. "Isn't that right?" Doctor glances quickly at the Miss before darting his eyes around the room, refusing to meet Earley's eye.
"No, Nurse Odioth," Doctor hesitates. "I guess not."
"So it's settled then." The Miss smiles.
The next day and the day after that Earley and the Miss sit again in the cool embrace of Silence with Earley watching the Miss while she flips through the pages on her clipboard, scanning for notes we all know aren't there. She doesn't let it show that she knows Earley's stare is trained on her; the Miss just sits with her stethoscope snaking around her neck, the clipboard in her lap, and her unnerving patience pulsing through her body. That I can hear.
Three days after the first round, I can tell Earley is preparing for a fresh battle at the next meeting. The air is tight as chains around my lungs, and with every minute that creeps closer to noon, it gets harder to breathe.
"Thompson!" Earley exclaims, slapping my back. I flinch, and he laughed a big hearty laugh. "How's the ward been treatin' you so far?"
"Quiet," I say. It's the first word on my mind. Earley laughs again.
"Better than that damn radio that's playing all the time. You hear it?"
I shrug, and Morris sits in the seat next to me, his knee brushing mine as it bounces up and down. My mind is dizzy again, and I can't breathe, and the Silence forces its sticky fingers over my ears, and the meeting has started, and I can't breathe.
It's too hard to hear anyone, even Earley.
So I don't.
I don't hear, I don't see, I don't breathe.
***
It's Earley who clears my vision. His unmistakable figure had launched out of its seat and toward the Miss at the head of the circle. I flinch, and the static wavers around me. It had gotten louder and louder as it tried to hide the beginning of the second round, but I knew Earley and the Miss would continue to fight and conspire and break each other down. The figure stands, staring down at the Miss, and two candy stripers materialize by his side, pulling his arms back. He hadn't laid so much as a finger on the woman before he's dragged back to his seat, and a strained smile returns to the Miss's red lips. Failure blooms bright red on Earley's pale cheeks as though the red of the Miss's lips had stained his. I can hear the anger bubbling within Earley, and he marches into the game room and retrieves a chair they use during card games. He gently sets it down near my leg and leaves for the game room again and then again and then again, clutching more chairs each time. He stares straight at the Miss and hurls the chair up toward the ceiling like a dead raven. The candy stripers frantically try to catch it, but it still hits the floor in a thundering crash.
I hear the Silence flicker and fade, and the room suddenly erupts into Noise and laughter and Earley's song. One leg of the chair cracks and flies right at the Miss's feet, and I see the slightest tug on her lips right as she bolts upright in her seat. I hear the leg slide across the floor in a perfect C major, and I hear E flat as the Miss's chair scrapes against the tiles. Earley launches more chairs at the ceiling with a swift movement of his big arms, and a symphony of notes explodes in my ears. I hear chains unraveling like the smooth elegance of a harp. I hear whistling and applause; I hear the sounds of a full house, of squeaking stands and swishing dresses. I hear the echoing of violin strings and tapping shoes, and the sounds flood my senses–sounds I barely remember but can't forget. I can hardly recall what static even sounds like, and I feel myself standing, mirroring Earley's arms and throwing the chair he placed in front of me at the speaker in the corner of the ceiling. It barely even grazes the surface, but I pick up the splintered pieces and hurl them at the speaker with as much force as I can muster. I see Coleman and Morris picking up the broken bones of the chairs and throwing them as hard as their weak arms let them before we finally hit the speaker, and Earley stops.
The return of the Noise makes me delirious, makes me crave delirium, but the crashing notes of Earley's symphony soon end in an abrupt sonata. I look up at the Miss, and she stands wide-eyed, unmoving, behind her chair. Dust and debris dot her hair from the ceiling and the broken bones of the chairs. Doctor sits tensely on the edge of his seat, watching and waiting for the Miss's reaction. Earley sits down quietly and eyes the Miss lazily. I can hear the clean, smooth quiet of the hospital, and every muffled sound, every tapping foot and fidgeting finger, is clear in my ears. Earley's song is quiet but powerful, and the Silence dwindles to an indistinct trickle, the black and white of the static painted by the colors of musical notes.
"I guess it is settled then."
Hovering on the verge of insanity,
there's a place.
It's small, it's delicate,
it's hidden from the world.
You don't get to go there
if you're frightened at all,
it's there for the brave
not scared of the fall.
Once you're inside,
they sit you down,
give you the speech,
the run-down of the ground.
Don't step a toe outside of the lines.
If you do, they'll catch you
with their infinite eyes.
Infinite eyes, you wonder?
Yes, they’re like that.
Again, there's no place for the frightened
at the edge of this cliff.
If you were to wander,
to go too far away.
You would pay the consequences
for all of your days.
The longer you stay,
the more they like you.
It makes it harder to leave
every second you delay.
For that reason
we recommend
that you get out of there
because once they give you a bed
there's no possible way.
Have I been there once?
Or do I write from beyond?
There isn't a place
for lost ones like me
any more than there's this place
out in the real world.
There is no cliff,
no beds and no guards,
there's no fortune teller
like me
looking into their cards.
There's no truth to the story,
but the truth is:
there doesn't have to be,
life is still just as hard
for the people who see
things that aren't there.
Who can talk to the gods,
if the gods are the air.
It doesn't matter
if there are cliffs
or clubs
or eyes that watch you
stumble out of the pub.
There's no meaning at all,
but the meaning is
that I give you this warning,
should you start to lose sight
of the things that matter
and turn out the light.